Parenting Through the Distraction by Patricia

“What would you do differently?” This is a question I am so frequently asked that I have decided to respond to it in this blog about how my children have helped me become a better person. My acupuncturist most recently asked me this question this week when discussing their own child’s teenage adventures. Over the years I have shared in the stories people related to their young ones; and have learned in the end, it is all about relationships. I am a mother and a teacher with ADHD. I also have children who have ADHD. I am an ordinary person who finds joy in everyday things. I believe we can do small things with greatness or great things can be done in small amounts. That helps me when I feel overwhelmed, which can happen with my ADHD. For example, when writing this blog or preparing a meal. As a teacher, I hope to help promote, inspire, or support greatness in small amounts every day. As parents, it would be difficult to inspire greatness in everything we did but rather, our children are remarkably great and so are we.

Even an octopus does not multitask. Do one thing at a time. Mindfully being present in my activities has helped ease my anxiety about having to retain information from conversations while simultaneously completing non-related activities. The art of conversation is hard to find at present with the busyness of modern society and technological devices. Spending time and purposefully being present with my children during their conversations is one of my favorite pastimes. Simply listening, without judgment or correction, has allowed them to develop their thoughts and feelings. Learning to listen, without trying to guide or interject, has taken time. As a parent with ADHD and children with ADHD, there are always so many thoughts that want or need to be shared. However, learning when it is appropriate is another matter. I have learned that sometimes it is necessary to listen first and wait to respond later. Feelings can be big and need space. Our children can have the last word and most of the time, they need our presence more than our voice.

Perfection is not required. However, as a parent I desperately tried to achieve this with every lunch and snack I packed for the children. Each was a non-repeating, 45-minute process, of allergy-conscious, selective-eating, healthy options, budget-limited selections. Every item was carefully chosen for its maximum health potential, likelihood to be eaten, and economic affordability. I wanted the children to find healthy food options in their lunches that supported their neurodevelopment. Ensuring the children had an abundance of food for school and the perfect lunches was a way I tried to protect them from possible negative adult perceptions. In this way, the children’s behavior couldn’t be blamed on poor food choices, lack of nutrition, or neglect. As the children aged, they began to take part in sponsored lunch programs, buying cafeteria food, trading lunches, and even asking to meet up with me for lunch. As I became more comfortable and adapted to advocating for my children, I focused less on what was in their lunches and more on what was in their classroom. It is a process.

Worrying has never stopped anything from happening, including worrying. I worried then and I worry now. For both my children and me, our journey with ADHD occurs with Anxiety. The substance of my anxiety has changed regarding my children as they have aged and have taken on more of their responsibilities. Gone are the days of having to remember tests, assignments, birthday parties, and extra pairs of shoes. The floors have walked bare and the chairs rocked for hours, waiting for phone calls or for children to come home. Children leave when emotions get too big when words fail, friends call, days are long, or adventures await. My worry turned every scenario into the worst possible situation for my children. Every time they were late or chose a friend I did not approve of, I let their diagnosis of ADHD overshadow their creativity, independence, and interpretational skills. When things go astray, ADHD can create a big “WHAT IF” monster in my head. Children do choose their friends and do stay out late. They will get bruises and get hurt. Worry has never stopped my children from any of things. Being there for them has helped them heal when it has.

Even though I feel like motherhood has given me “the pink slip” now, my children still tell me I am needed. Even as an older mom, I still learn new things about motherhood as a mom with ADHD and with older kids with ADHD. Nothing is ever complete, like laundry or the dishes. They stay piled forever. If people want to see a perfect house, they can watch television or watch a magazine. My family is not perfect, and I am not raising a house. Your home can be clean without causing you anxiety or worry. Since several members of our home have ADHD how we try to accomplish things in the home is completely different. This used to cause communication issues, and emotional tension, and consequently, not a lot was accomplished. Through counseling and learning better communication skills and spending more time listening, I learned that sometimes getting things done gets in the way of relationships. My children helped to teach me a different type of organization system where things can be visualized. They also taught me how to delegate tasks and break down jobs into smaller ones. As a single mother, I was used to doing everything myself, and being able to hyperfocus, I was able to complete tasks without issue. However, the children taught me work will always be there but sunny days or freshly fallen snow are to be enjoyed. Take the time to make memories, they will keep you company when the children are grown.