If you’ve ever noticed your child coming home from school feeling moody, withdrawn, or simply wiped out, you’re in good company. For kids with ADHD, after-school restraint collapse is a frequent experience. But what does it really mean?
What is Restraint Collapse?
After a full day at school, many children with ADHD experience what’s known as “restraint collapse.” This is when they’ve exhausted their self-control, focus, and emotional resources to hold it together throughout the day. Hours spent sitting, listening, and managing social interactions can leave them mentally drained by the time they return home. When they finally step through the door, the pressure is off—and all that stored tension often surfaces as a meltdown or shutdown.
Why Your Child’s Quietness or Irritability Isn’t Defiance
It’s important to remember that if your child seems distant or doesn’t immediately respond after school, it’s not a sign of defiance or lack of care. They’re simply depleted. Their brain needs a break after so much effort managing impulses and emotions all day. Taking their behavior personally can lead to unnecessary stress, but a few small adjustments can help you meet them where they are.
Ways to Support Your Child After School
Here are some helpful approaches to ease your child’s transition into their after-school routine:
Greet Them with Warmth 🥰
Sometimes, what your child needs most is a warm connection. Welcome them with a smile or a hug, showing you’re happy they’re home. This simple gesture can help them feel secure and understood.
Give Them Space to Unwind ⏳
Children with ADHD often need a moment to relax after a busy day. Instead of immediately asking about homework or their day, allow them some quiet time. This could mean alone time in their room or a calming activity they enjoy. This break helps them reset.
Use Visual Cues Instead of Questions 👀
Kids with ADHD can feel overloaded when asked to handle multiple requests. Instead of a string of questions or verbal reminders, try using a visual checklist or other reminders. Visual cues are less stressful and allow them to stay on track without relying entirely on memory.
Provide a Snack and Drink 🍎🥤
A little nourishment can go a long way. Offering a healthy snack and some water after school can improve their mood and energy, making the transition into the evening a little easier. Try the “three-bite rule” - three bites of protein every few hours. Protein helps to stabilize blood sugar (and mood).
Encourage Movement and Play 🏃♂️
After a full day of managing their behavior, children with ADHD often need an outlet for their stored-up energy. Encourage them to play, run around, or engage in a physical activity they love to help them reset their focus and mood.
The Key: Patience and Understanding
Supporting your child through after-school restraint collapse requires empathy and patience. Remember, their non-responsiveness or moodiness isn’t about you—it’s their way of recovering from a demanding day. By offering comfort, space, and a little time, you’re helping them recharge in a safe environment.
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Parenting can often feel like a juggling act, especially when it comes to finding the right balance between fun, nurturing moments and necessary discipline. For many of us, it feels like there’s more of the “hard parenting”—the tasks like brushing teeth, tidying up, and managing daily routines—while the “soft parenting”—the tickles, snuggles, and playful moments—seems harder to come by. Striking that balance is crucial, not only for your relationship with your child but also for their overall brain development and emotional well-being.
This balancing act becomes even more challenging when you’re parenting a child with ADHD. Children with ADHD face unique neurological hurdles: an imbalance in neurotransmitters like dopamine (the feel-good reward chemical) and norepinephrine (which drives alertness and attention). On top of that, children with ADHD often receive up to 20,000 more negative comments about themselves compared to their neurotypical peers by age 12, leading to significant emotional dysregulation, low self-esteem, and difficulties with emotional resilience.
For parents, constantly navigating this imbalance can feel exhausting and overwhelming. And it’s equally challenging for children, who often feel misunderstood, frustrated, and dysregulated. But there is a powerful, FREE, and scientifically supported tool that can transform your approach: love.
The Neurobiology of Love: How Connection Calms the ADHD Brain
Neuroscience reveals that love, and the sense of connection it fosters, has measurable effects on the brain. When a child feels truly heard and understood, their brain releases a cocktail of calming, feel-good chemicals: endorphins, natural opiates, and oxytocin—the “love hormone.” These chemicals soothe the nervous system, help regulate emotional responses, and make the brain more receptive to learning and cooperation. This process is particularly vital for children with ADHD, who often struggle with emotional regulation.
One of the most effective ways to harness the power of love is through deep listening. Rather than immediately trying to fix a problem or distract a child, take the time to listen intently and acknowledge their feelings. For example, imagine your child has just watched their block tower crumble to the ground. The instinct as a parent might be to reassure them, "It’s okay, we can fix it," or try to distract them from their frustration. However, jumping too quickly into problem-solving can backfire, as it may unintentionally dismiss their emotions, leaving them feeling unseen.
Instead, try this: “Oh no, what happened? That tower was amazing! You worked so hard on it, and it looked fantastic.” By validating their emotions and showing empathy, you allow your child to feel truly heard. This triggers a release of oxytocin and other calming neurochemicals, helping them process their frustration and begin to regulate their emotions on their own.
When children with ADHD experience emotional validation and support, they are better able to calm down and re-engage in problem-solving without feeling overwhelmed by their emotions.
Hard and Soft Parenting: Striking the Right Balance
Our everyday interactions with our kids often emphasize "hard parenting" tasks—getting them to follow routines, stop undesirable behaviors, or complete chores. While structure is essential, too much emphasis on correcting behavior without connection can leave children feeling like they are always in trouble or not good enough. This is particularly true for children with ADHD, who already face higher-than-average rates of negative feedback, leading to heightened anxiety and negative self-talk.
But the beauty of "soft parenting" is that it balances out these moments of structure by creating opportunities for connection. These are the moments when love, playfulness, and nurturing can counterbalance the necessary discipline, creating emotional safety for your child.
This doesn’t mean letting go of rules or expectations. Instead, it’s about connecting before correcting. When you take a moment to truly understand your child’s feelings before addressing their behavior, you help them feel secure and emotionally grounded, making them more likely to cooperate.
Here are some strategies to help you incorporate both connection and structure into your parenting, based on the neurobiology of love:
1. Connect Before Correcting
Always seek to understand and empathize with your child’s emotions before addressing behavior issues. For example, if they refuse to tidy up, take a moment to connect: “It looks like you’re feeling really frustrated about cleaning up. Let’s figure this out together.” When children feel heard, they are more likely to be receptive to your guidance.
2. Be Fully Present
Put aside your own agenda and take the time to be fully present with your child. Eye contact, a gentle touch, or even sitting quietly beside them can communicate your emotional availability. Mirroring their emotions by acknowledging them helps them feel understood and loved.
3. Validate Their Experience
Match your facial expressions and tone of voice to your child’s emotional state, and say things like, “I can see you’re really upset right now.” This validation not only soothes their distress but also floods their brain with oxytocin, which helps to block cortisol, the stress hormone. Feeling understood on this deep emotional level calms them, which makes future behavioral guidance more effective.
4. Limbic Bonding Through Play
Play is one of the best ways to bond with your child and increase oxytocin production, which promotes emotional resilience. Let your child take the lead during playtime, whether it’s through imaginative games, tickle fights, or simply enjoying each other’s company. This kind of limbic bonding is especially important for children with ADHD, who often need extra support to process their emotions.
5. Balance Structure with Flexibility
While structure and routine are crucial for children with ADHD, being flexible within that structure can prevent power struggles. Use playful methods to transition between tasks, like singing a silly song while cleaning up, which can turn a rigid demand into a cooperative activity. This approach promotes positive engagement and reduces stress for both you and your child.
The Long-Term Impact of Love and Connection
Parenting children with ADHD requires not only discipline but also an abundance of love and understanding. Children with ADHD are often big feelers, more prone to anxiety, negative self-talk, and sometimes even depression. Without consistent emotional support and connection, they may seek unhealthy ways to manage their emotions—like risk-taking behaviors or substance use—as they grow older.
By incorporating these strategies into your daily routine, you’re not only balancing the hard and soft aspects of parenting but also nurturing your child’s emotional intelligence, resilience, and ability to self-regulate. The neurobiology of love teaches us that connection isn't just a nice-to-have—it’s an essential part of creating a harmonious, happy home.
Want to Learn More About Harnessing Love to Strengthen Your Connection with Your Child?
If you’re looking for more ways to leverage the power of neurobiology to create deeper connections and foster emotional well-being in your family, I invite you to join LOVE Ü Parenting. At The ADHD Village, we dive deep into actionable strategies for balancing discipline with love, helping you and your child thrive. Visit us at www.theADHDvillage.com to learn more!
As a mom raising three boys with ADHD, you’d think I’d have seen the signs. My boys were all diagnosed young, with their ADHD showing up in the more “obvious” ways—hyperactivity, impulsiveness, and the constant need to move. I thought I had a pretty clear picture of what ADHD looked like. But my daughter? Because she didn’t fit the typical ADHD mould, I didn’t recognize what was happening beneath the surface.
When she was younger, I often marvelled at her energy. She was outgoing—always the first to introduce herself to new kids at the playground—and loved entertaining everyone around her. Her passion for drawing, creative storytelling, and ability to lose herself for hours in a book filled me with pride. She also loved to please and impress her teachers, friends, and family. As my first child of five, she was helpful and appeared mature for her age—a true old soul.
Underneath that bright exterior, though, I sometimes worried that she was trying too hard and cared too much about what others thought. But it didn’t seem to affect her. As a self-professed perfectionist (explained later), I overlooked how much she pushed herself to do more and be more.
As she entered her later elementary years, I could see the pressure she put on herself intensify. She didn’t just want to meet expectations—she felt she had to exceed them to prove her worth. When she couldn’t or when she upset someone, especially friends, her world seemed to collapse.
I began to notice my once-vibrant, confident daughter pulling away from friends, school, and even me. She appeared sad and anxious about things that never bothered her before. Her spark was fading. I chalked some of it up to typical teenage stress. After all, she was my first daughter, and I wasn’t an easy teen either—my parents reminded me of that regularly!
Then, seemingly out of nowhere, things got worse. She became moody, irritable, and constantly on edge. Her outbursts went from zero to one hundred, with no middle ground. It was like a slow unravelling none of us could fully understand. When depression hit, it hit hard. Watching her retreat from life and from me, when I thought we were so close, was terrifying.
Eventually, we ended up in a psychologist’s office, where she was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. At first, it felt like we finally had an answer. But despite therapy and the new strategies we implemented at home, nothing seemed to work. She was still struggling socially, academically, and emotionally. It kept getting worse, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was still missing.
The Turning Point.
When the pandemic hit, and she was home all the time, we started noticing behaviours that didn’t quite fit with her mental health diagnosis. We dug deeper and eventually discovered that she had ADHD. Given our family history and everything I thought I knew about it, I couldn’t believe I had missed that she had ADHD.
She had been masking it for so long—working twice as hard to succeed in school and activities to make up for her ADHD challenges. But that constant striving for perfection wore her out, and eventually, she couldn’t keep up anymore.
The Diagnosis Wasn’t Enough.
Though the ADHD diagnosis felt like a turning point, the worst was yet to come. Mid-morning on Easter Sunday, my daughter attempted suicide. We were all outside playing catch—it stands out in my memory because it was the happiest I’d seen her in a while. She went inside, and after some time, my husband asked where she was. In that moment, I felt something I had never felt before—deep, gut-wrenching fear. I found her and called an ambulance, terrified of what would happen. She was rushed to the hospital and, thankfully, survived. But I was left in shock, questioning how we had missed how deeply she was struggling.
After that, we received more intensive support and finally connected the missing puzzle piece—her anxiety and depression were symptoms of her undiagnosed ADHD, which had always been there. While we focused on her mental health, we hadn’t realized that untreated ADHD was the root cause of much of her struggles. Addressing ADHD was the key to truly supporting her.
The Takeaway.
October is ADHD Awareness Month, and I want to share an important takeaway from our story.
I had no idea that anxiety and depression are common misdiagnoses for teenagers, especially girls. In fact, 46% of females are misdiagnosed with another mental health disorder before being diagnosed with ADHD. Girls often don’t show the stereotypical signs of ADHD, like hyperactivity. Instead, it can manifest as inattentiveness, low self-esteem, daydreaming, or, in my daughter’s case, anxiety and depression.
Our experience gave us clarity on what to do next. We put better support systems in place. Therapy helped her work through the anxiety and depression, the school helped manage her workload, medication was part of her multi-modal treatment, and I learned more about how ADHD shows up differently in girls. A year later, I realized I was part of that overlooked statistic and was diagnosed as well (remember that perfectionism I mentioned?).
For both my daughter and me, life before and after an ADHD diagnosis is night and day. The diagnosis—and understanding how to manage it—can be life-changing. Once we realized that ADHD was the root of so many struggles, we began implementing strategies that made a real difference. The weight lifted. We stopped feeling “broken” or “less than.” Understanding how the ADHD brain works empowered us to approach challenges differently.
Awareness and understanding unlocked our true potential. My daughter has since graduated from high school and works every day to show up as the confident, vibrant person she truly is. As a mom, I want all my children to feel understood and supported. Now that I have a clearer picture of what ADHD looks like, I know the road ahead can be navigated with more certainty and joy.
I remember the moment I found out I had ADHD – in my early 40’s – so clearly. When my psychologist revealed the outcome of my assessment and confirmed, indeed, I had ADHD… my life flashed through my mind. The ideas, the stories I couldn’t tell without at least one side quest, the fast talking, the moments when silence had been so tough, the times I have been noted as an ‘out of the box thinker’ (what does that even mean?), the feedback I’ve received in annual reviews. And then my children.
I sought out a diagnosis not because I thought I had ADHD. The fact is, like so many other women, I had no idea. Sure, I had anxiety that came on postpartum after having our second child, but ADHD had never crossed my mind.
Earlier that year, my son was struggling in school with reading in Grade 1. Not at all surprising for this age. He’s a bright, very inquisitive, high energy little guy who is empathetic and can read a room so quickly. I wanted some help with how he learns so we decided to pursue an educational assessment with a psychologist, which revealed he had ADHD. That is a moment I will also never forget.
Suddenly I was alone – almost no one I knew (or so I thought) had ADHD, no one’s children had ADHD… and ADHD children were the more challenging group in the classroom, weren’t they? – the ones who couldn’t sit still, who had outbursts, who were usually spending time with the principal (at least in my early childhood they were). None of this fit my child. And then the psychologist said, you and your husband may want to consider getting tested as well because it can be hereditary. “Doesn’t fit me”, I thought. “Maybe on my husband’s side?”. In that moment, the psychologist said something I will never forget: “it presents completely differently in girls than it does in boys, and historically, girls have been severely underdiagnosed”. Enter the deep dive into ADHD in Women. And children… All of the research. What is an IPP? How do I do that with the school? What should be in it? What does a good one contain? What should it not contain? How do I advocate for him to get the best outcome for my son, for his classmates, for his future?
This was so new for me. I had no community, no one to talk to or ask questions to – no one that I knew of who had been here before.
It was one year before I started to be brave enough to talk about it to others outside of our family. When I first started talking about ADHD at work, sharing some of the things I had learned about myself, my children, working with the schools… I found out that there were so many others like me. Who had no community, no one to talk to, who were also scared of the stigma and what it might mean for them at work and elsewhere if they shared their experience.
I am a CFO by day, and am deeply involved in Diversity, Equity and Inclusion, Accessibility and Belonging. I know tone starts at the top. I know sharing personal experience makes a difference. It did for me in so many different ways throughout my career and I have such great respect for those who were open before me about their struggles and successes, whether it was in work/life balance, managing the boardroom or decision making. I knew I had to share more of my story. What ADHD has meant for me personally, how it presents for me (because everyone experiences it differently), and what it means in our family.
I see now that my ADHD has helped me be creative in how I tackle problems, how I read and respond to people. I am excellent at reading body language, which gives me an edge to step in when I know someone has been triggered in a conversation or negotiation. I know when we need to take a break and revisit an issue to give everyone time and space.
What helps me? As an executive, pre-reads are critical. I used to be the one saying ‘no one reads the pre-read’. But I do now. It helps me focus on the issue and task at hand. It is even better when there is a clear delineation between what is for information or background, and what decision is needed.
I now use notes when I speak publicly. I am not embarrassed by that at all. In fact, I call it out as helping me stay on track so we don’t go on too many side quests. I also have stopped rehearsing before most of my public speaking engagements. I have all of the ideas in my head. I jot down key points on my notes so I stay on track. I have found when I rehearse, I spend too much time in my head chastising myself when I miss a line that I had rehearsed while I’m presenting and that’s not a place I want to be. I’m more robotic and inauthentic, and that’s not who I am in reality. I’m a great speaker and even better when I’m able to read the audience and add/remove content depending on the room.
Deadlines are mission critical. Without a deadline, nothing is getting done on paper. I will have all of the ideas in my head, just like when I’m doing a speaking engagement, but nothing will move to paper without the deadline. One step deeper than that, it is likely nothing will move to paper until I am within 24 to 48 hours from the deadline. The pressure makes the ideas come out in a way that flows naturally.
As a parent, understanding what is happening with my children, trying new things because our brains get bored easily and switching up the tactics is helpful. Keeping in contact regularly with the teachers in terms of learning, behaviour, what’s working, what’s been challenging – this has been a game changer.
With my children, I find asking open ended questions when they get in the car after school like “What’s one thing you learned that was new today?”, “What was the best part of your day?”, “What’s something you’re proud of today?”, “What did you find tough today?” gives me great insight into their views. If they aren’t ready to talk because they need some time to unwind, these conversations can also happen closer to bed time.
I also have come to terms with, and accepted, that it is ok for me to be overstimulated and what I describe as ‘out-touched’. I love my children dearly and there are times when I need just a couple of inches on either side as my own space because I am overstimulated and/or need to maintain focus on a particular activity. It has taken a long time to get over the guilt of that, and I am a better partner and parent when I am open about needing a bit of space. Modelling this for my children has also helped them be able to advocate for themselves when they also find they are overstimulated and need space as well, which makes me incredibly proud of them.
All of this is also why I took an even deeper dive and became an ADHD Coach. The community I have been able to create at work, how I felt when I was diagnosed, and hearing stories and struggles of others tells me there is a deep need for connection in this space. Safe connection. Where parents, loved ones, caregivers, teachers and more can learn about ADHD – both the bright side and the challenges… How we can set ourselves up for success as parents, whether we have ADHD or not, and ensure our children are set up for success as well and not deficit thinking; the supports that are available (and the waitlists that unfortunately prevail), and tools we can use right now to help ourselves, our children, youth, students, and young adults be successful in the way they choose to that is important and provides meaning to them.
That deep dive I took into learning all about it on my own, I pour into my groups and learning modules. During the Office Hours/QA time, I see their eyes light up with connection and “Oh! That’s why…” Truly the best part of my day is working with these folks who care so deeply about those with ADHD in their lives, and themselves as well – because many of them also have ADHD too.
What can you do? Great question. As an employer, leader, colleague - if someone has shared a neurodivergent diagnosis with you, thank them for sharing and trusting you. Ask questions like “How can I best support you?”. Believe people’s experiences and stories. Believe those who ask for accommodation and to the best that you’re able, provide it. From a workplace perspective, don’t simply implement things you’ve read about on the internet without asking for perspective from those who would benefit – this is not a one size fits all solution.
As a parent, caregiver, teacher, partner, loved one, connection – keep the conversation going. Advocate for your children. Use the tools like IPP’s that are available to document the support your student needs to be successful. Have open conversations with the school about what they are experiencing and forge a relationship to work together for the benefit of the student. Teach advocacy skills and being attuned to one’s body. Don’t be afraid to take time for yourself to regroup – you will be a better person for it. Know that sometimes it is a dance of two steps forward one step back, but each of these steps are learning and that is a win. Keep on doing the things you are doing because you’re making a difference, even when it might feel like you’re not.
I would like to close this post with a heartfelt thank you to the parents, caregivers, loved ones, teachers, colleagues, friends, families and connections of those with ADHD. By engaging in the learning and conversations, you make it easier for us to be open and learn about ourselves as well. ADHD can be exhausting – not just for us who have ADHD but also for those around us. Your help and support means the world to those around you.
Bio:
Leanne Gawley (she/her) is an internationally experienced neurodivergent finance professional turned ADHD and Executive Coach. She has dedicated her career to helping individuals and teams with finding success in a way that is authentic to their journey. As a professional ADHD and Executive Coach, Leanne specializes in helping children and families with ADHD navigate to understanding and success, and Executives who are feeling stuck to rediscover purpose and meaning. She is a Chartered Professional Accountant (Alberta), holds an MBA (Manchester University), a Certified Executive Coach (Royal Roads University), Associate Certified Coach (International Coaching Federation), ADHD Coach (JST Coaching) and Imposter Syndrome Informed Coach (Imposter Syndrome Institute). She resides in Moh’kinsstis, traditional Treaty 7 territory, commonly referred to as Calgary, Alberta with her husband and children.
Anyone who has a child with ADHD knows that they can present unique difficulties when parenting. The research backs this up: Families with ADHD report more conflict than families without, and parents of children with ADHD are often less confident in their ability to regulate their children (Park et al., 2017; Weyers et al., 2019). I knew this dynamic to be true in my own family. My brother has been diagnosed with ADHD since he was 7 years old, but the frequent battles between himself and my parents have been present in our home for as long as we can remember. Given that ADHD is a heritable disorder, there is a running joke in our family as to who is responsible for passing it down to my brother. Although made in jest, it sparked a personal interest in how ADHD has manifested itself in my family lineage, and how parenting with potentially undiagnosed ADHD may have exacerbated the tension between my brother and my parents.
Cut to today, I currently research parent-child relationship dynamics for children with ADHD, specifically in a school context. Much of the literature on these topics mirrored my own experience with my brother, both as a witness to the conflict at home and regarding my parents’ experience navigating the school system. The research almost seemed unanimous in their conclusions that ADHD always serves as a deficit to both parent and child, regardless of who is diagnosed. However, during my search, I came across the Similarity-Fit hypothesis. In their seminal paper, Psychogiou et al. (2007) discovered that in parent-child dyads where both members had ADHD, the relationship quality was somewhat improved compared to dyads where only one member displayed ADHD symptoms. This finding has been replicated in other research, especially among dyads where the parent has especially high symptom severity (Griggs & Mikami, 2011; Johnston et al., 2012; Psychogiou et al., 2008).
The authors’ explanation for this phenomenon can be traced back to the amount of empathy the ADHD parent has for their ADHD child. The theory posits that the reason parent and child can avoid increased conflict is because there is a shared understanding of each other’s minds. Especially for parents with severe ADHD, they are more likely to extend empathy to their child during times of high stress, regardless of the symptom severity of the child (Johnston et al., 2012). This is not to say that neurotypical parents don’t have empathy for their children with ADHD, but having lived experience of what they are going through every day seems to make it easier to overlook certain deficits. As a result, when parents’ ADHD symptom severity is similar to their child’s symptom severity, the shared understanding between them ameliorates the frequency of conflict and improves the closeness between parent and child.
These findings stood in contrast to just about everything I thought I knew about parent-child relationships with ADHD. It led me to re-evaluate the existing literature through a new lens: If we are to investigate ADHD in children in the context of relationship dynamics, it is potentially negligent to omit parent symptom severity when making conclusions as to how ADHD affects the relationship. Even more so, it made me re-evaluate my family’s dynamic. For parent-child dyads where both share an ADHD diagnosis and where there is high conflict, researchers refer to this as a similarity-misfit. That is, the symptoms of one member tend to worsen the symptoms of the other, resulting in increased conflict, which then leads to a more severe presentation of symptoms, and so on… This dynamic may be more likely to be present when the parent is undiagnosed and the child has moderate to severe ADHD. It appears in my own family there is a case of a similarity-misfit between parent and child. Regardless of fitness or mis-fitness, just having an awareness of what drives conflict between parent and child has led to a more accurate understanding of one another within my family.
40-55% of children with ADHD also have a parent with the disorder (Smalley et al., 2000). However, one wonders if there is a generational divide at play hidden in this statistic. Rates of ADHD diagnosis are rising (Abdelnour et al., 2022), and more and more women and girls are being diagnosed as we continue to understand how ADHD presents itself depending on gender. Perhaps a significant proportion of the current generation of parents of children with ADHD are simply undiagnosed. The socio-historical landscape these parents grew up in was less likely to acknowledge ADHD unless it was obvious. I am hopeful that future generations of parents with ADHD will be more inclined to extend empathy to their neurodivergent children because they will have a better understanding of themselves and their minds. Ideally, this shift can help us reframe ADHD as having potential benefits to family life, rather than always being a deficit.
From the moment she could speak, my husband and I knew our bright, highly creative, physically active daughter was “different” so we enrolled her in the local private school; we hoped the small class size and additional resources would provide whatever help she needed.
Throughout elementary school and high school, we heard the same feedback from teachers, medical professionals and family members:
“She won’t sit still when I’m talking to her.”
“If only she’d focus and pay attention.”
“She spends too much time talking and not enough time doing.”
“How do you make her listen, because she doesn’t listen to me.”
“She’s not trying hard enough.”
The first couple years were fine, but Grade 3 was a nightmare. The teacher had spent her career at an all-boys British preparatory high school, and had no patience for my impulsive, disorganized child. Parents started phoning me (this was before texting), concerned my daughter was being bullied by the teacher; in front of the class the teacher called our daughter “lazy” and “spoiled brat” and encouraged students to do the same. After additional unacceptable incidents and many meetings with school administrators, we eventually moved our daughter to another class with another teacher. I took our daughter to a therapist, but the damage was done - our happy, boisterous child became sad, anxious and fearful.
The following year our daughter’s grade 4 teacher was a kind and compassionate soul who coaxed her out of her shell. She also suggested our daughter be assessed for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) as she recognized the telltale signs (the teacher had family with ADHD). I had no idea what ADHD was or meant, but that was the eventual diagnosis. Few people had even heard of ADHD twenty years ago! I don’t have it, nor does anyone in my family, but I strongly suspect my husband does. Years ago, my husband developed many tools and coping strategies that work amazingly well for him to this day. Studies now show there is a strong hereditary component to ADHD; children are as likely to develop ADHD from their parents as their height.
I did a deep dive into all things ADHD, but back then there wasn’t much research available. I read what I could and attended workshops and conferences. Plus I stayed up to date with the research which finally confirmed ADHD is a neurodevelopmental or brain-based condition, and not a behavioural problem caused by poor parenting, too much sugar or playing too many video games.
About 15 years ago I decided to write the story my kids never had – the funny, chaotic one set in Canada about a ten-year-old girl who doesn’t quite fit in. And like my daughter when she was ten, Queenie Jean gets into trouble and again, with her teacher, her parents and the Very Important Principal at school. And again and again, Queenie feels shame and calls herself a loser.
Tapping into my life-long love of reading, English studies at university, lived-experience with ADHD, and my adult life as a chartered accountant working with non-profits, my goal was to create a totally immersive first-person point-of-view through the eyes of Queenie. The reader sees only what she sees and hears only what she hears. I wanted to clearly portray the magnitude of ADHD in family life – it’s not just a set of behaviours observed during school hours but a 24-hour, seven-days-a-week complicated reality. Queenie Jean is in Trouble Again told in contemporary time, computers, cellphones and all, with the emphasis on now, now, now.
Kids love seeing characters who look and/or act like them in the stories they read. Don’t take my word for it – The Book Trust, the UK’s largest reading charity and researchers at the University of Edinburgh recently published their findings and concluded “children benefit from seeing their experiences, and those of their friends, reflected in the books they read.” After reading stories featuring neurodivergent characters, neurodivergent kids felt more understood and also believed these stories helped reduce stigma and increase peer understanding. (“Why schools need books featuring neurodivergent characters,” https://www.booktrust.org.uk/news-and-features/features/2023/december/why-schools-need-books-featuring-neurodivergent-characters)
Sally J Pla, the award-winning American author of numerous kid’s books featuring neurodiverse characters, wrote simply and powerfully in the 2024 spring edition of Education Choices Magazine, “Stories teach us we’re not alone.” And just as importantly, “Stories teach us empathy for each other…Yet according to a 2019 study, only 3.4% of children’s books portray a disabled main character.” We know the rate of ADHD is 5-7% in Canada and the US, so when we add autism, dyslexia and other forms of learning challenges, the figures are much higher. (Sally J Pla, “Stories Can Teach Us We’re Not Alone,”)
Clearly we need lots more stories about kids with ADHD!
Although Queenie Jean is in Trouble Again is inspired by the adventures of my daughter almost twenty years ago, the novel is a work of fiction. Queenie has an easier time with school and family than my daughter did. By telling stories like this one, hopefully people will smile, perhaps recognize themselves or perhaps recognize their friend or classmate. And maybe there will be a little less misunderstanding in the world about ADHD and a little more support. I hope you check out Queenie Jean is in Trouble Again and her (my) drawings of her family and other characters in the story including her chocolate lab Coco and see what you think. And let me know. Available in bookstores across Canada.
Despite knowing the immense benefits of school attendance, many parents can relate to the battle that ensues when trying to get their child ready for school. Parents of children with attention-deficit / hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) might ask themselves, ‘what can I do to increase my child’s attendance at school?’. Parents may worry that their child’s absence at school due to school requests to stay at home, problematic behaviours, school refusal etc. will affect their child’s academic performance. Such concerns are warranted as school attendance is generally considered essential for academic progress, which is a powerful social determinant of health and long-term educational attainment. Research findings that children with ADHD are 3 times more likely to be held back a grade and 2.7 times more likely to drop out of high school before graduation (Barbaressi et al., 2007) highlight the importance and urgency of this issue. In this blog post, I aim to explore school absence from the perspective of a researcher and offer some insights into whether parents being more involved in their child with ADHD’s education is the key to improving their school attendance.
Is not attending school really that bad?
For parents, allowing their child to miss a few days of school may seem like a solution to the meltdown or emotional outburst at hand, but it might be the beginning of a pattern of school absence. School absenteeism, which is defined as missing 10 percent or more of the school year (Gottfried, 2019) is an important social determinant of health that has been greatly understudied in children with ADHD. Of the approximately 194 school days in a year, that is 19.4 days of learning and opportunities for social and emotional development that are missed. Research suggests that children and youth with ADHD, particularly boys, miss more school compared to their peers without ADHD (Classi et al., 2012; Kent et al., 2011; May et al., 2021). This may pose a significant challenge for the education of these children. The educational journey of children with ADHD can be fraught with difficulties due to cognitive challenges such as impairments in memory functions, increased distractibility, and slow thought processing speeds (Mohammed et al., 2021). These difficulties already heighten children with ADHD’s risk of underachievement, but when combined with chronic absenteeism, these children may struggle with reaching their true academic potential. But, why are these children missing more school than their neurotypical counterparts? There are a myriad of reasons why a child is absent from school, but research has shown that 41% of these reasons are parent driven for typically developing children (Hancock et al., 2018). For neurodivergent children, the answer to this question is less clear. Considering the research suggesting that supportive parental involvement education is associated with academic achievement in children with ADHD (Rogers, 2009a), addressing school absence may require focusing on parents to reduce these absences.
Is parental involvement in schooling beneficial for children with ADHD?
As a neurotypical child, I recall dreading parent teacher meetings because of how involved my parents were in my education. While their absence was missed at school events because of their busy schedules, my parents made it a point to know when I had tests, how I felt about each school subject, the friends I hung out with at lunch and what extracurricular activities I liked. Previously, their interest seemed excessive, but the more I research the benefits of parental engagement in schooling, the more grateful I am for their involvement. Families with children with unique learning needs, such as those with ADHD may struggle in these areas. I asked my aunt to describe what navigating the school system is like with a child with ADHD. She said, and I quote, “Being a mom of a child with ADHD is tough...I’m always worried he’s being left out...I try to stay involved, but it feels like I’m constantly at loggerheads with the school.”
Parental involvement implies a parent’s dedication of resources such as time and effort for their child’s development. Parental involvement encompasses a wide range of behaviours performed at home or school, from homework-helping (home-based parental involvement) to participation in school activities (school-based parental involvement). There is a plethora of benefits of parental involvement in education for both youth with and without ADHD. For example, in children with ADHD, supportive parental involvement is related to higher academic achievement (Rogers et al., 2009c). However, it seems that there may be obstacles for parents of children with ADHD to reaping these benefits. According to research, parents of children with ADHD perceive more teacher demands than parents of children without this diagnosis (Rogers et al., 2009). Given the inattentive behaviours commonly seen in these children, it might be that parents are interpreting comments made by teachers about their child with ADHD’s behaviour as excessive demands on their time and energy, which may already be depleted. It is conceivably difficult for parents of children with ADHD to foster positive relationships with their child’s teacher and attend school events when they do not feel welcome.
So, how can parents and teachers get around this obstacle? A practical method that has demonstrated its effectiveness for youth with ADHD in research is the use of a daily report card (DRC) system (Iznardo et al., 2020). A DRC system involves setting behavioural goals which are monitored daily by teachers. Information is recorded on the child’s ability to meet said goals. Parents sign the report card at the end of each day and when a child’s reaches a predetermined level of success, they are rewarded. This system proactively addresses behavioural problems and may improve communication between families and schools by building positive rapport and providing parents with opportunities for school-based involvement. Clearly, school-based parental involvement and parent-teacher relationships are both significant for children with ADHD’s schooling, but is this the answer to the high rates of chronic absenteeism seen in this population?
Is parental involvement the missing puzzle piece?
The short answer is maybe. There is no one overarching answer to school absenteeism in children with ADHD. The solution to school absence is just as complex and varied as the reasons for school absence. The long answer is that targeting chronic absenteeism may require a four-pronged attack involving not just parents but also educators, practitioners, and policymakers. The paucity of literature on this topic, necessitates further research on the link between parental involvement in education and school attendance in children with ADHD to inform interventions and programs that seek to improve absenteeism. My current research explores this very question, so I hope to add to the knowledge on this topic. While I cannot presently answer whether parental involvement is the key to improving school attendance in children with ADHD, investing time and being more involved in your child with ADHD’s education is certainly a step in the right direction.
By
Christine Okigbo M.A. B.A
Dr. Maria Rogers
Parenting with ADHD can be quite overwhelming. For most of my life, I was misdiagnosed. I was told I had major depressive disorder that was resistant to treatment, anxiety, and Anorexia Nervosa. I was hospitalized when I was 20 years old for Anorexia and these were the diagnosis I was given. I had been on numerous medications and had ECT treatments done but still, I felt numb and empty, always overwhelmed, the smallest things would set me off, and I could not handle hearing multiple noises. It was as if all the noises enraged me, add in a child who also has ADHD and it was like a bomb in the house. My son was diagnosed at the age of 8 in 2023 before I was, I was diagnosed a month after he was! Getting his diagnosis was a time-consuming process, I kept being told that he is just a boy, they are hyperactive, that’s just who they are! It wasn’t until grade 3 that things started to get worse, he was having behaviors at school, was falling behind in school and struggling to keep up, and at home it was exhausting. My son has a low frustration tolerance and would have multiple meltdowns daily and I did not know how to deal with it effectively, his outbursts would set me off and then it was like a war between us. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted from not only myself but also from not knowing how to properly help him, if I was unable to regulate my emotions how was I supposed to help him? He ended up being seen at the local children’s mental health unit for a year, we were given strategies as was he, they did not always work but it was something we could work on.
As for myself, I was officially diagnosed in August of 2023 after seeing a psychiatrist. I did not go into his office expecting to hear what I did, I was hoping he would have the answers as to why no medications seemed to make me feel any better. Was I overwhelmed, Yes! I have always been a very busy person, someone who is great at multitasking and works insanely well under pressure. I like to say I do my best work under pressure. I worked full-time, completed my degree online, and was raising three kids. All those things combined would make anyone feel overwhelmed right? However, how I was presenting myself told a different story. I felt incapable of parenting my son, my son's dad was calmer with him and was better able to respond to him than I could. I felt like I was drowning and failing my son. I was hoping the psychiatrist would have been able to find the right medication, however, he was concerned and baffled at the number of medications I have tried and none seemed to do anything for me. I felt so numb, and irritable, found no enjoyment in life, and was losing motivation, I just felt hopeless. After everything was said and done, I was diagnosed with ADHD. After hearing this I was sad, and I remember just crying, thinking that If I had been diagnosed and treated properly earlier how my life may have been different? I was mourning that young girl who struggled for years, hating herself, compulsively exercising, and just being sad for many years. I also felt like a bad parent, it was not my son's fault that he was struggling, but I was not helping him either.
I felt like I had spent the last 15 years of my life being treated for something that was not the issue, yes, I have depression but now with the right medication and proper diagnosis, I feel like a different person. I won't lie and say it's all sunshine and rainbows, but it feels lighter. There is not so much darkness, I can relate more to my son and I feel like I can effectively deal with his meltdowns, and I know when I need a break. There have been some things that have helped my son and me, now I am not saying this will help everyone but it is what has worked for us. We are still learning as we go, and as I write this, my son will be having a psychoeducational assessment done, hopefully, once this is complete we will have a better understanding of how best to help him.
Things that I have found helpful:
As for myself, taking time away from the kids has been beneficial it allows me to recharge, if I can tell I am starting to feel overwhelmed I step away for a moment and compose myself. If my son and I are starting to butt heads, I will tell him that I need a moment for myself and I will come back and we can talk. It allows us both the chance to regroup, sometimes he needs more time and I allow him that and when he is ready to talk we do. In the last year, I have learned a lot about myself and even him, there are still days when I feel like I do not know how to parent him, but I am hopeful that once we have a full assessment done with him, we can devise a plan that will work and that will help him more. Getting to where we are now has been a long road, I have had to advocate a lot for him, I have reached out to numerous agencies for him, enrolled in parenting classes, and created a support network for him and myself. What I have learned from all of this is to advocate and make sure you have a support network.
When I first got diagnosed with ADHD just over two years ago, my therapist told to me about something she and her colleagues dubbed “The Three-Year Reckoning.” They gave it this name after noticing it happen time and time again in their practice; things finally starting to fall into place for their clients after their ADHD was diagnosed and treatment followed. Slowly but surely, they start to become the version of themselves they have always wanted to be and let me just say, wow, am I in the thick of it now!
It all started for me at the age of 39, when I was diagnosed after my ex-husband and daughters were, as it often happens with women. In fact, most women don’t get diagnosed with ADHD until about the age of 38 and there I was, another statistic for the research papers. My official diagnoses are combined ADHD, social anxiety related to performance and a math learning disability called Dyscalculia. And while it was a relief to finally be diagnosed, that grief that so many ADHDers talk about was also very real and it shook me to my core.
In my advocacy I call it “The Sixth Sense Effect,” that moment you realize it was ADHD all along. Stupid, stupid ADHD screwing with me, my family and everything around me! I had countless sleepless nights rewinding and overanalyzing the movie reel of my life and ruminating about what could’ve and should’ve been had I been diagnosed earlier.
Could school have been easier for me, and would I be smarter and or successful today as a result? Could I have pursued a job I would have loved in journalism or entertainment if I didn’t struggle so much with RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) and performance anxiety? Could I have saved my marriage if I got my control and anger issues in check sooner? Could I have been a better mom who didn’t rage so much and not have traumatized my kids the way I did? Let’s face it ladies, we could “shoulda, woulda, coulda” ourselves to death but it’s not something I recommend because we can’t change what was or what could have been. We are here now; things cannot be erased and all we can do is move forward with grace.
So, in true ADHD fashion, I moved forward in fast forward and hyper focused hard. The difference was that this time, the focus was on ME. What a notion, huh moms? Giving ourselves the time and attention we need to get better? And what I learned quickly is the more I looked in the mirror, dug deep and devoted myself to my own treatment with medication, therapies and an intense devotion to improving and maintaining my physical health, the faster it all got better for my daughters too.
If you’re reading this blog, I’m assuming you know a thing or two about neurodiversity and how it’s genetic and tends to cluster in families, friend groups and work groups. There was even a study done on it recently called “Birds of a Feather” that proved just how prevalent it is. And it makes sense, doesn’t it? People with different brains being drawn to one another for just that reason? Yet when I talk to the women in the support group I run and as I continue to advocate, I find more and more that it’s often the atypical control freak, ultra organized, chronically overwhelmed and emotionally unstable neurodivergent moms who are the ones that are diagnosed last. We just learned to mask it so well that we can even fool ourselves. This is why I can’t stress enough how important it is for ALL family members to be screened once one is diagnosed.
My first day on medication was wild. I had that typical first experience of it kicking in and my world being rocked. Not everyone has that experience but, in my case, it’s exactly how it went. Within one hour of the meds kicking in, I felt the tension leave my body and it was quiet. Like, really quiet. I felt calm, focused, less agitated, less anxious, clear minded and moved through my day with ease. I remember crying myself to sleep that night at the realization that after trying so many things for so long; therapy, antidepressants, getting healthy and blowing up my life, this was one of the things I clearly needed all along. Yet not one of the 4 therapists I went to saw it in me, even the one that noticed it in my ex after meeting him only twice. I was angry and sad, and it was in that moment I knew I would never shut up about it so let me hop up on my soap box real quick and allow me to remind you all of a few things:
We HAVE ADHD. It’s IT and not US that trips us up from time to time. It doesn’t define us; we didn’t ask for it and we don’t deserve it. These are our symptoms, not our personality and we’re not bad people, moms, dads, or friends. It is possible and up to us to take control of these symptoms, though, and this I know for sure. Not all the way and we’ll never be perfect but with ADHD being one of the most treatable disorders in the world, as full-blown adults it’s our responsibility to treat the symptoms as best we can with the resources we have. Our diagnosis is an explanation but not an excuse so if you learn anything from reading this blog, I hope it’s this: pursuing a diagnosis and treatment is worth it, things can and will get better, and you’ll never regret it.
I must say I’m still pretty bitter about it being missed in me my entire life. We tend to ask ourselves things like how the hell did the doctors and therapists not see it? Was it not obvious? Do they not know enough about it? How did I, the world’s biggest know-it-all, not know!? I guess the short answer is that it’s just not obvious for most girls and women who tend to be more internally hyperactive, inattentive and daydreamy but I can assure you I am NOT. From the day I shot out of the womb, I was loud, hyperactive, charismatic, funny, quirky and unique. I’m a first generation Canadian, raised in a very strict home in the 80’s so ADD, as it would’ve been called back then, wasn’t something anyone around me would’ve heard of. And being the bright, cunning, resourceful girl I was, I flew under the radar for a very long time.
And about that Three-Year Reckoning I wrote about earlier? Here’s a not-so-comprehensive list of all the things I’ve done since diagnosed just over two years ago:
I’m pretty blown away by this list myself and almost in tears as I’m getting it all down. I take all the time in the world to list my to-dos and should-dos but have never actually sat down to list my “have-dones” until now. Please don’t tell my therapist, she’ll kill me! She’s told me a million times to write them down and shove them in my face, all the things I’ve accomplished and am proud of. But I’m just not the journaling kind. Maybe this is my cue, though, to get at it and finally put some pen to paper and write a book or something. I don’t know, but I’m sure I’ll get to it some day.
Lastly, I want to mention, for anyone who resents the use of the term “superpower” when it comes to ADHD, let’s agree to disagree. I’m no dumb dumb and well aware my untreated ADHD effed up my life more than it helped it and ADHD itself is not a superpower. But when we can get the symptoms in check, all the amazing things that usually come with ADHD can help us soar, no doubt. Those we can use as superpowers and promote them as such, especially to instill some confidence in our neurodivergent youth who need it so badly right now.
I know I wouldn’t be the person I am or be where I am today without my ADHD and I can say with 100% certainty that if given the option, I would never give it back. I am the coolest, most fun mom, the most loyal and ridiculously funny friend, an intensely loving and giving human being, devoted to making a difference and doing good in the world. I’m hella intuitive, creative and capable of balancing much more than the average human because I’m not your average human. Sure, I probably screw up and act out more often than others do. But now that I’ve learned to quickly repair and forgive myself and others, I’m learning to love me and my unique brain more and more each day. We’re a pretty cool pair, my brain and me. Stuck with one another for all of eternity. And I’m okay with that. Very okay with that.
When I was a child, I was often referred to as a daydreamer. I would often zone out or stare off into space. No one was concerned however, because I was always a strong student and did well with minimal effort. As I got older and things required studying, I would find it nearly impossible, I wasn’t able to focus long enough to get through one page, especially if the subject was of little interest to me. I was always an avid reader and could get through books with little issue if they had enough to hold my attention, so no one ever suspected ADHD given I was a very calm person.
Fast forward to my thirties, I was finding it increasingly difficult to focus on certain tasks, I would constantly fidget, forget laundry in the washer, cleaning was an insurmountable mountain that I couldn’t even convince myself to climb.
Being a nurse, I was in a particularly lucky circumstance where I was working with my family physician. She was already treating me for anxiety but had noticed my fidgeting at work. We scheduled an appointment and had a long discussion about my childhood, my daydreaming and focus and she looked and me and said “Kim, you have ADHD.” Whoa, ADHD, thinking back now this made a lot of sense and thinking back, can’t believe we missed it.
With my new diagnosis and a new prescription for Vyvanse I went on my merry way, hopeful that this would help me bring some order back into my everyday existence. That feeling was short lived as we discovered that the Vyvanse, regardless of the treatment I was already on for my anxiety, made it 10 times worse. I was having nightmares and could not sleep. That was the end of that hope. A few weeks after stopping Vyvanse we discovered I was pregnant and to my surprise, as my pregnancy progressed, I started to feel better. Things were a little easier and I was feeling good! This went on until my son was about 6 months old, then it all came flooding back with a vengeance!
Mom brain is REAL but throw ADHD in the mix and, what day is it again? What did I need in here? Where is my phone? Because of that, I made another appointment with my doctor. I never expected ADHD to get harder as I got older, but here I was, starting a new treatment with Intuniv and some tools to help me manage the day-to-day. As moms we tend to always put ourselves last, but I am now learning that I need to put some care into myself if I want to be able to care for my family. I am still working on ways to keep things going and be on top of everything going on, I am not perfect and not everything will work for me, but I am doing my best and that is enough for now.
