I remember the moment I found out I had ADHD – in my early 40’s – so clearly. When my psychologist revealed the outcome of my assessment and confirmed, indeed, I had ADHD… my life flashed through my mind. The ideas, the stories I couldn’t tell without at least one side quest, the fast talking, the moments when silence had been so tough, the times I have been noted as an ‘out of the box thinker’ (what does that even mean?), the feedback I’ve received in annual reviews. And then my children.
I sought out a diagnosis not because I thought I had ADHD. The fact is, like so many other women, I had no idea. Sure, I had anxiety that came on postpartum after having our second child, but ADHD had never crossed my mind.
Earlier that year, my son was struggling in school with reading in Grade 1. Not at all surprising for this age. He’s a bright, very inquisitive, high energy little guy who is empathetic and can read a room so quickly. I wanted some help with how he learns so we decided to pursue an educational assessment with a psychologist, which revealed he had ADHD. That is a moment I will also never forget.
Suddenly I was alone – almost no one I knew (or so I thought) had ADHD, no one’s children had ADHD… and ADHD children were the more challenging group in the classroom, weren’t they? – the ones who couldn’t sit still, who had outbursts, who were usually spending time with the principal (at least in my early childhood they were). None of this fit my child. And then the psychologist said, you and your husband may want to consider getting tested as well because it can be hereditary. “Doesn’t fit me”, I thought. “Maybe on my husband’s side?”. In that moment, the psychologist said something I will never forget: “it presents completely differently in girls than it does in boys, and historically, girls have been severely underdiagnosed”. Enter the deep dive into ADHD in Women. And children… All of the research. What is an IPP? How do I do that with the school? What should be in it? What does a good one contain? What should it not contain? How do I advocate for him to get the best outcome for my son, for his classmates, for his future?
This was so new for me. I had no community, no one to talk to or ask questions to – no one that I knew of who had been here before.
It was one year before I started to be brave enough to talk about it to others outside of our family. When I first started talking about ADHD at work, sharing some of the things I had learned about myself, my children, working with the schools… I found out that there were so many others like me. Who had no community, no one to talk to, who were also scared of the stigma and what it might mean for them at work and elsewhere if they shared their experience.
I am a CFO by day, and am deeply involved in Diversity, Equity and Inclusion, Accessibility and Belonging. I know tone starts at the top. I know sharing personal experience makes a difference. It did for me in so many different ways throughout my career and I have such great respect for those who were open before me about their struggles and successes, whether it was in work/life balance, managing the boardroom or decision making. I knew I had to share more of my story. What ADHD has meant for me personally, how it presents for me (because everyone experiences it differently), and what it means in our family.
I see now that my ADHD has helped me be creative in how I tackle problems, how I read and respond to people. I am excellent at reading body language, which gives me an edge to step in when I know someone has been triggered in a conversation or negotiation. I know when we need to take a break and revisit an issue to give everyone time and space.
What helps me? As an executive, pre-reads are critical. I used to be the one saying ‘no one reads the pre-read’. But I do now. It helps me focus on the issue and task at hand. It is even better when there is a clear delineation between what is for information or background, and what decision is needed.
I now use notes when I speak publicly. I am not embarrassed by that at all. In fact, I call it out as helping me stay on track so we don’t go on too many side quests. I also have stopped rehearsing before most of my public speaking engagements. I have all of the ideas in my head. I jot down key points on my notes so I stay on track. I have found when I rehearse, I spend too much time in my head chastising myself when I miss a line that I had rehearsed while I’m presenting and that’s not a place I want to be. I’m more robotic and inauthentic, and that’s not who I am in reality. I’m a great speaker and even better when I’m able to read the audience and add/remove content depending on the room.
Deadlines are mission critical. Without a deadline, nothing is getting done on paper. I will have all of the ideas in my head, just like when I’m doing a speaking engagement, but nothing will move to paper without the deadline. One step deeper than that, it is likely nothing will move to paper until I am within 24 to 48 hours from the deadline. The pressure makes the ideas come out in a way that flows naturally.
As a parent, understanding what is happening with my children, trying new things because our brains get bored easily and switching up the tactics is helpful. Keeping in contact regularly with the teachers in terms of learning, behaviour, what’s working, what’s been challenging – this has been a game changer.
With my children, I find asking open ended questions when they get in the car after school like “What’s one thing you learned that was new today?”, “What was the best part of your day?”, “What’s something you’re proud of today?”, “What did you find tough today?” gives me great insight into their views. If they aren’t ready to talk because they need some time to unwind, these conversations can also happen closer to bed time.
I also have come to terms with, and accepted, that it is ok for me to be overstimulated and what I describe as ‘out-touched’. I love my children dearly and there are times when I need just a couple of inches on either side as my own space because I am overstimulated and/or need to maintain focus on a particular activity. It has taken a long time to get over the guilt of that, and I am a better partner and parent when I am open about needing a bit of space. Modelling this for my children has also helped them be able to advocate for themselves when they also find they are overstimulated and need space as well, which makes me incredibly proud of them.
All of this is also why I took an even deeper dive and became an ADHD Coach. The community I have been able to create at work, how I felt when I was diagnosed, and hearing stories and struggles of others tells me there is a deep need for connection in this space. Safe connection. Where parents, loved ones, caregivers, teachers and more can learn about ADHD – both the bright side and the challenges… How we can set ourselves up for success as parents, whether we have ADHD or not, and ensure our children are set up for success as well and not deficit thinking; the supports that are available (and the waitlists that unfortunately prevail), and tools we can use right now to help ourselves, our children, youth, students, and young adults be successful in the way they choose to that is important and provides meaning to them.
That deep dive I took into learning all about it on my own, I pour into my groups and learning modules. During the Office Hours/QA time, I see their eyes light up with connection and “Oh! That’s why…” Truly the best part of my day is working with these folks who care so deeply about those with ADHD in their lives, and themselves as well – because many of them also have ADHD too.
What can you do? Great question. As an employer, leader, colleague - if someone has shared a neurodivergent diagnosis with you, thank them for sharing and trusting you. Ask questions like “How can I best support you?”. Believe people’s experiences and stories. Believe those who ask for accommodation and to the best that you’re able, provide it. From a workplace perspective, don’t simply implement things you’ve read about on the internet without asking for perspective from those who would benefit – this is not a one size fits all solution.
As a parent, caregiver, teacher, partner, loved one, connection – keep the conversation going. Advocate for your children. Use the tools like IPP’s that are available to document the support your student needs to be successful. Have open conversations with the school about what they are experiencing and forge a relationship to work together for the benefit of the student. Teach advocacy skills and being attuned to one’s body. Don’t be afraid to take time for yourself to regroup – you will be a better person for it. Know that sometimes it is a dance of two steps forward one step back, but each of these steps are learning and that is a win. Keep on doing the things you are doing because you’re making a difference, even when it might feel like you’re not.
I would like to close this post with a heartfelt thank you to the parents, caregivers, loved ones, teachers, colleagues, friends, families and connections of those with ADHD. By engaging in the learning and conversations, you make it easier for us to be open and learn about ourselves as well. ADHD can be exhausting – not just for us who have ADHD but also for those around us. Your help and support means the world to those around you.
Bio:
Leanne Gawley (she/her) is an internationally experienced neurodivergent finance professional turned ADHD and Executive Coach. She has dedicated her career to helping individuals and teams with finding success in a way that is authentic to their journey. As a professional ADHD and Executive Coach, Leanne specializes in helping children and families with ADHD navigate to understanding and success, and Executives who are feeling stuck to rediscover purpose and meaning. She is a Chartered Professional Accountant (Alberta), holds an MBA (Manchester University), a Certified Executive Coach (Royal Roads University), Associate Certified Coach (International Coaching Federation), ADHD Coach (JST Coaching) and Imposter Syndrome Informed Coach (Imposter Syndrome Institute). She resides in Moh’kinsstis, traditional Treaty 7 territory, commonly referred to as Calgary, Alberta with her husband and children.
One of the quotes that sparked my continued pursuit of clowning was: "Instead of thinking that each problem you face is a tragedy, you can use the creative side of your brain-- which is likely to benefit from your ADHD traits--- to figure out a solution." (Fast Minds- Craig Surman and Tim Bilkey).
I gave up on my dream to be a therapeutic clown. I gave it up thirteen years ago when I dropped out of my theatre degree in Montreal, too depressed to continue. I married, moved to Ottawa and had two children. In 2023, was diagnosed with ADHD at 36 years old. I reignited my passion for theatre through improv, stand up and clowning healing from a painful separation and divorce. I have always found it difficult to express myself through writing, so the ease of communication through clowning helpful. I needed a new way to play and get out of my head. I believe clowning is all about resilence to chaos, externalizing that chaos in our lives and embracing it. Clowning is not therapy in itself but the effects of letting loose and laughing at yourself distracts my constantly changing mind and uplifts my usually defeated spirit. My brain connects things that are at random and creates ridiculous and unexpected results with absolutely no effort. My brain takes the reins and I let it loose like a bucking bronco.
I face misunderstandings from practically most of the systems and people I interact with. I am trying to inject clowning into everything I do to strengthen my ability to laugh at myself and the situations I have encountered. As soon as my invisible disability becomes visible--assumptions are made in customer services, public services and banking institutes because of the lack of education about ADHD.
Clowning takes moral courage even in the face of disapproval. Being the only one in a crowd to take an unpopular stance requires resilience. That unpopular stance might be that we are foolish as a species. That we are unwise, we always think we know more than we do.
What I have learned from clowning, is that it takes an individual who is courageous enough to be absolutely vulnerable in front of a crowd. To open up themselves and connect with the audience with their offer to connect. When I clown, I take the risk to celebrate vulnerability when it has a deep and lasting payoff for the audience. These opportunities to practice reaching for your inner child and other people's inner child is what has such an empowering effect on all people. I am new to clowning but so far it grounds me and helps me to figure out who I am. The more I learn about clowning, the more it touches another issue I might have struggled with as an undiagnosed adult with ADHD.
Failure and celebrating failure is helping me to face my fears right now. This is absolutely freeing for me to experience when I am struggling to see my successes everyday. The act of acting out failure as a goal-- gives you room to see it in a different light and make more sense to your life that sometimes doesn't or didn't make sense before your ADHD diagnosis. Your failures and ability to fail in a planned and practiced way becomes your gift. It is an invaluable gift to society-- to celebrate failure and laugh in the face of fear and rejection.
What does it really mean to let go?
There are different ways to let go. When you hold onto beliefs, ideas, and stories that cause you suffering it looks like tension, stress, anger, resentment, anxiety and overall disconnection. When you won’t let go of belongings that you don’t need anymore you end up with chaos, confusion and a cluttered mind. When we hold on to how things “should” be done, we don’t have enough time to do other things that are important, including taking care of health and well-being.
Holding on means you are stuck in the past and to let go means to be present with what is now. Letting go means you’ve come to terms with what has happened. The power is in the now and that is where you can create. Now is where you are connected to your body, breath and your conscious mind. Letting go means cutting the energetic ties to the past that keep you weighed down, depressed, and stuck.
Decluttering Your Outer World
When you begin to declutter your outer world it allows you to see the inner patterns that created the clutter in the first place. When you let go of belongings in an intentional and conscious way you also let go of the emotional attachments you have to them( old beliefs, thoughts, “shoulds”, guilt, shame and resentments). This doesn’t mean getting rid of most of your belongings and becoming a minimalist. It also doesn’t mean that you have to do it in one round. It is a process of understanding what was coming in, why you are keeping it and what stops you from letting it go.
Step 1 – Connect
Get clear on what your values and intentions are. Make a list of 10 values that are most important to you now and then group them into three main themes. Those three themes will be your anchors for when you need to make decisions. You’ll reference them to see, ok, if commitment is important to me then skipping the gym today doesn’t align with that value.
Next is having a general sense of what your intentions are during this process. Then make a list of what anchors you will use to help you stay focused, grounded and connected when you get distracted, triggered, or overwhelmed. For example, going for a walk, doing a meditation, putting your hand on your heart.
Step 2 – Create
What is it that you want to create in your life? Creating is one of the wonderful gifts of being human. When we set definitive goals we stifle our creativity. Focusing on what you want to create gives you a map to follow that is wide open for life to happen and allow for change. When we focus on creating it allows for ideas, opportunities and possibilities that are way beyond what we originally thought. The values and intentions are your anchor to stay focused and not stray too far away.
Step 3 – Release
Take an inventory of what you have. I always recommend to start with your spaces and keep it simple by starting with one category at a time, ie. clothing, books. Do this by sorting that category on a large cleared surface, make an excel sheet for time and finances and use a journal when you are reflecting on your relationships.
Once you see it all,you are able to gain a lot of insight, awareness and guidance on what needs to change. Now it’s time to let go of what doesn’t match your values, intentions and what you want to create!
This step is probably the biggest one because the insight you gain allows you to see WHY you have so much life clutter. It could be a belief that you can’t let go of something because you might need it one day and understand that the fear is causing havoc in your life. Getting support and guidance from a trauma therapist or coach during this phase is integral to making true change.
Step 4 – Recalibrate and reorganize
Now it’s time to recalibrate with what’s left and get organized. When it comes to your belongings it means zoning your spaces so that they match your intentions. For example, you want to read more so you move your shelf next to a reading chair and have all your books there instead of having them in multiple places. When it comes to your time, you zone your day for what you are focusing on. For example, having a set time to check emails instead of doing it often and randomly throughout the day, which inevitably wastes time.
Step 5 – Rhythm
Getting into your rhythm means setting boundaries and creating new habits so that you can sustain the changes you’ve made. Where do you need to start saying no? Is it when you go shopping and see something on sale that you don’t need (this helps both financially and with physical clutter)? What habits and daily routines will you integrate to help keep your spaces organized so that you can focus on what you are creating instead of feeling stressed and overwhelmed? How will you integrate more self care and focus around your wellbeing and overall health?
Decluttering Your Inner World
Sounds a little weird, eh!? The reality is clutter comes in different forms including our minds, hearts and body. If you fill your mind with negative thoughts about yourself it creates clutter and prevents you from seeing your true essence. If you fill your body with food and substances that cause harm then it gets clogged up and doesn’t run smoothly and optimally. You get the picture.
This internal clutter then affects the decisions you make, how you behave and how you feel about yourself. This comes from a combination of how you grew up, your life experiences both in the home and the world around you, cultural viewpoints, trauma etc. Often people get disconnected from their inner world in order to cope and survive. This causes a weakening of intuition, mind-body connection and being able to act from your true power and with compassion. To learn more about this process you can check out this video here.
Anyone who has a child with ADHD knows that they can present unique difficulties when parenting. The research backs this up: Families with ADHD report more conflict than families without, and parents of children with ADHD are often less confident in their ability to regulate their children (Park et al., 2017; Weyers et al., 2019). I knew this dynamic to be true in my own family. My brother has been diagnosed with ADHD since he was 7 years old, but the frequent battles between himself and my parents have been present in our home for as long as we can remember. Given that ADHD is a heritable disorder, there is a running joke in our family as to who is responsible for passing it down to my brother. Although made in jest, it sparked a personal interest in how ADHD has manifested itself in my family lineage, and how parenting with potentially undiagnosed ADHD may have exacerbated the tension between my brother and my parents.
Cut to today, I currently research parent-child relationship dynamics for children with ADHD, specifically in a school context. Much of the literature on these topics mirrored my own experience with my brother, both as a witness to the conflict at home and regarding my parents’ experience navigating the school system. The research almost seemed unanimous in their conclusions that ADHD always serves as a deficit to both parent and child, regardless of who is diagnosed. However, during my search, I came across the Similarity-Fit hypothesis. In their seminal paper, Psychogiou et al. (2007) discovered that in parent-child dyads where both members had ADHD, the relationship quality was somewhat improved compared to dyads where only one member displayed ADHD symptoms. This finding has been replicated in other research, especially among dyads where the parent has especially high symptom severity (Griggs & Mikami, 2011; Johnston et al., 2012; Psychogiou et al., 2008).
The authors’ explanation for this phenomenon can be traced back to the amount of empathy the ADHD parent has for their ADHD child. The theory posits that the reason parent and child can avoid increased conflict is because there is a shared understanding of each other’s minds. Especially for parents with severe ADHD, they are more likely to extend empathy to their child during times of high stress, regardless of the symptom severity of the child (Johnston et al., 2012). This is not to say that neurotypical parents don’t have empathy for their children with ADHD, but having lived experience of what they are going through every day seems to make it easier to overlook certain deficits. As a result, when parents’ ADHD symptom severity is similar to their child’s symptom severity, the shared understanding between them ameliorates the frequency of conflict and improves the closeness between parent and child.
These findings stood in contrast to just about everything I thought I knew about parent-child relationships with ADHD. It led me to re-evaluate the existing literature through a new lens: If we are to investigate ADHD in children in the context of relationship dynamics, it is potentially negligent to omit parent symptom severity when making conclusions as to how ADHD affects the relationship. Even more so, it made me re-evaluate my family’s dynamic. For parent-child dyads where both share an ADHD diagnosis and where there is high conflict, researchers refer to this as a similarity-misfit. That is, the symptoms of one member tend to worsen the symptoms of the other, resulting in increased conflict, which then leads to a more severe presentation of symptoms, and so on… This dynamic may be more likely to be present when the parent is undiagnosed and the child has moderate to severe ADHD. It appears in my own family there is a case of a similarity-misfit between parent and child. Regardless of fitness or mis-fitness, just having an awareness of what drives conflict between parent and child has led to a more accurate understanding of one another within my family.
40-55% of children with ADHD also have a parent with the disorder (Smalley et al., 2000). However, one wonders if there is a generational divide at play hidden in this statistic. Rates of ADHD diagnosis are rising (Abdelnour et al., 2022), and more and more women and girls are being diagnosed as we continue to understand how ADHD presents itself depending on gender. Perhaps a significant proportion of the current generation of parents of children with ADHD are simply undiagnosed. The socio-historical landscape these parents grew up in was less likely to acknowledge ADHD unless it was obvious. I am hopeful that future generations of parents with ADHD will be more inclined to extend empathy to their neurodivergent children because they will have a better understanding of themselves and their minds. Ideally, this shift can help us reframe ADHD as having potential benefits to family life, rather than always being a deficit.
From the moment she could speak, my husband and I knew our bright, highly creative, physically active daughter was “different” so we enrolled her in the local private school; we hoped the small class size and additional resources would provide whatever help she needed.
Throughout elementary school and high school, we heard the same feedback from teachers, medical professionals and family members:
“She won’t sit still when I’m talking to her.”
“If only she’d focus and pay attention.”
“She spends too much time talking and not enough time doing.”
“How do you make her listen, because she doesn’t listen to me.”
“She’s not trying hard enough.”
The first couple years were fine, but Grade 3 was a nightmare. The teacher had spent her career at an all-boys British preparatory high school, and had no patience for my impulsive, disorganized child. Parents started phoning me (this was before texting), concerned my daughter was being bullied by the teacher; in front of the class the teacher called our daughter “lazy” and “spoiled brat” and encouraged students to do the same. After additional unacceptable incidents and many meetings with school administrators, we eventually moved our daughter to another class with another teacher. I took our daughter to a therapist, but the damage was done - our happy, boisterous child became sad, anxious and fearful.
The following year our daughter’s grade 4 teacher was a kind and compassionate soul who coaxed her out of her shell. She also suggested our daughter be assessed for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) as she recognized the telltale signs (the teacher had family with ADHD). I had no idea what ADHD was or meant, but that was the eventual diagnosis. Few people had even heard of ADHD twenty years ago! I don’t have it, nor does anyone in my family, but I strongly suspect my husband does. Years ago, my husband developed many tools and coping strategies that work amazingly well for him to this day. Studies now show there is a strong hereditary component to ADHD; children are as likely to develop ADHD from their parents as their height.
I did a deep dive into all things ADHD, but back then there wasn’t much research available. I read what I could and attended workshops and conferences. Plus I stayed up to date with the research which finally confirmed ADHD is a neurodevelopmental or brain-based condition, and not a behavioural problem caused by poor parenting, too much sugar or playing too many video games.
About 15 years ago I decided to write the story my kids never had – the funny, chaotic one set in Canada about a ten-year-old girl who doesn’t quite fit in. And like my daughter when she was ten, Queenie Jean gets into trouble and again, with her teacher, her parents and the Very Important Principal at school. And again and again, Queenie feels shame and calls herself a loser.
Tapping into my life-long love of reading, English studies at university, lived-experience with ADHD, and my adult life as a chartered accountant working with non-profits, my goal was to create a totally immersive first-person point-of-view through the eyes of Queenie. The reader sees only what she sees and hears only what she hears. I wanted to clearly portray the magnitude of ADHD in family life – it’s not just a set of behaviours observed during school hours but a 24-hour, seven-days-a-week complicated reality. Queenie Jean is in Trouble Again told in contemporary time, computers, cellphones and all, with the emphasis on now, now, now.
Kids love seeing characters who look and/or act like them in the stories they read. Don’t take my word for it – The Book Trust, the UK’s largest reading charity and researchers at the University of Edinburgh recently published their findings and concluded “children benefit from seeing their experiences, and those of their friends, reflected in the books they read.” After reading stories featuring neurodivergent characters, neurodivergent kids felt more understood and also believed these stories helped reduce stigma and increase peer understanding. (“Why schools need books featuring neurodivergent characters,” https://www.booktrust.org.uk/news-and-features/features/2023/december/why-schools-need-books-featuring-neurodivergent-characters)
Sally J Pla, the award-winning American author of numerous kid’s books featuring neurodiverse characters, wrote simply and powerfully in the 2024 spring edition of Education Choices Magazine, “Stories teach us we’re not alone.” And just as importantly, “Stories teach us empathy for each other…Yet according to a 2019 study, only 3.4% of children’s books portray a disabled main character.” We know the rate of ADHD is 5-7% in Canada and the US, so when we add autism, dyslexia and other forms of learning challenges, the figures are much higher. (Sally J Pla, “Stories Can Teach Us We’re Not Alone,”)
Clearly we need lots more stories about kids with ADHD!
Although Queenie Jean is in Trouble Again is inspired by the adventures of my daughter almost twenty years ago, the novel is a work of fiction. Queenie has an easier time with school and family than my daughter did. By telling stories like this one, hopefully people will smile, perhaps recognize themselves or perhaps recognize their friend or classmate. And maybe there will be a little less misunderstanding in the world about ADHD and a little more support. I hope you check out Queenie Jean is in Trouble Again and her (my) drawings of her family and other characters in the story including her chocolate lab Coco and see what you think. And let me know. Available in bookstores across Canada.
Parenting with ADHD can be quite overwhelming. For most of my life, I was misdiagnosed. I was told I had major depressive disorder that was resistant to treatment, anxiety, and Anorexia Nervosa. I was hospitalized when I was 20 years old for Anorexia and these were the diagnosis I was given. I had been on numerous medications and had ECT treatments done but still, I felt numb and empty, always overwhelmed, the smallest things would set me off, and I could not handle hearing multiple noises. It was as if all the noises enraged me, add in a child who also has ADHD and it was like a bomb in the house. My son was diagnosed at the age of 8 in 2023 before I was, I was diagnosed a month after he was! Getting his diagnosis was a time-consuming process, I kept being told that he is just a boy, they are hyperactive, that’s just who they are! It wasn’t until grade 3 that things started to get worse, he was having behaviors at school, was falling behind in school and struggling to keep up, and at home it was exhausting. My son has a low frustration tolerance and would have multiple meltdowns daily and I did not know how to deal with it effectively, his outbursts would set me off and then it was like a war between us. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted from not only myself but also from not knowing how to properly help him, if I was unable to regulate my emotions how was I supposed to help him? He ended up being seen at the local children’s mental health unit for a year, we were given strategies as was he, they did not always work but it was something we could work on.
As for myself, I was officially diagnosed in August of 2023 after seeing a psychiatrist. I did not go into his office expecting to hear what I did, I was hoping he would have the answers as to why no medications seemed to make me feel any better. Was I overwhelmed, Yes! I have always been a very busy person, someone who is great at multitasking and works insanely well under pressure. I like to say I do my best work under pressure. I worked full-time, completed my degree online, and was raising three kids. All those things combined would make anyone feel overwhelmed right? However, how I was presenting myself told a different story. I felt incapable of parenting my son, my son's dad was calmer with him and was better able to respond to him than I could. I felt like I was drowning and failing my son. I was hoping the psychiatrist would have been able to find the right medication, however, he was concerned and baffled at the number of medications I have tried and none seemed to do anything for me. I felt so numb, and irritable, found no enjoyment in life, and was losing motivation, I just felt hopeless. After everything was said and done, I was diagnosed with ADHD. After hearing this I was sad, and I remember just crying, thinking that If I had been diagnosed and treated properly earlier how my life may have been different? I was mourning that young girl who struggled for years, hating herself, compulsively exercising, and just being sad for many years. I also felt like a bad parent, it was not my son's fault that he was struggling, but I was not helping him either.
I felt like I had spent the last 15 years of my life being treated for something that was not the issue, yes, I have depression but now with the right medication and proper diagnosis, I feel like a different person. I won't lie and say it's all sunshine and rainbows, but it feels lighter. There is not so much darkness, I can relate more to my son and I feel like I can effectively deal with his meltdowns, and I know when I need a break. There have been some things that have helped my son and me, now I am not saying this will help everyone but it is what has worked for us. We are still learning as we go, and as I write this, my son will be having a psychoeducational assessment done, hopefully, once this is complete we will have a better understanding of how best to help him.
Things that I have found helpful:
As for myself, taking time away from the kids has been beneficial it allows me to recharge, if I can tell I am starting to feel overwhelmed I step away for a moment and compose myself. If my son and I are starting to butt heads, I will tell him that I need a moment for myself and I will come back and we can talk. It allows us both the chance to regroup, sometimes he needs more time and I allow him that and when he is ready to talk we do. In the last year, I have learned a lot about myself and even him, there are still days when I feel like I do not know how to parent him, but I am hopeful that once we have a full assessment done with him, we can devise a plan that will work and that will help him more. Getting to where we are now has been a long road, I have had to advocate a lot for him, I have reached out to numerous agencies for him, enrolled in parenting classes, and created a support network for him and myself. What I have learned from all of this is to advocate and make sure you have a support network.
I am Melanie (She Her), Or Mel as most people call me. I work as a middle manager in a corporate job and as a small business owner as a decluttering coach and professional organizer.
This is my ADHD and Clutter story.
I am an empty nester and have been married to my husband and terrific neurotypical partner, Mike, for 27 years. I live near Toronto in Ontario, Canada, and enjoy playing ice hockey, writing, reading, practicing yoga, and keeping fit. I am also a mom to 2 young adult daughters who both make me immensely proud every day. I was diagnosed with ADHD late in life, at age 53, and started taking medications and working with an ADHD coach just this January.
In the mid-70s, when I started grade school, no one talked about ADHD. I think a little later they did, but it was only hyperactive little boys who were acting out they used the term about. I was a super talkative little girl who liked to read a lot and was mainly doing ok at school.
I was always messy. I often put something on any surface and then no longer saw it. To me, it all became the landscape of the room. I was always in trouble for it at home as a kid. (My poor parents tried their best.) Living with a few different roommates, my now-husband later kept me in check. I developed some simple routines to stay on top of my stuff.
However, when I became a mom at 29 and then went back to work full-time, I became overwhelmed. Add kiddo number 2 a few years later, and the wheels really started to fall off. During that second mat leave, I fell into a depression. The house was a disaster. I often spent hours a day crying. Finally, I went to my doctor and got help; getting on some antidepressants and adding light daily exercise seemed to get me back on track.
But our messy home was getting worse and worse as time went on. I had a shopping problem I see now. So much stuff was coming into our house for what I know now was likely some dopamine-seeking behaviours. I bought Rubbermaid tubs, bins, baskets, and even furniture to store it all and was convinced I needed to organize it. Nothing ever was leaving the house. More kept coming in. After all, it was perfectly good, useful stuff, and we might need it someday. My memory problems were starting to get worse, and I often never remembered what we had or where it was, so we would buy what we could not find.
When we had company, it was a huge work effort to clean and tidy the home at the last minute. I would shove and stuff wherever I could, but I went to great lengths to keep this all secret.
My husband was often frustrated and tried to talk to me about shopping and letting go of stuff, but I was always very defensive and snappy back. I feel bad about that now. It could not have been fun for him. He would often go through the kids' toys with them and pack up stuff to get out of the house and regain control, as I never had the capacity.
When I returned to work after daughter number two was born, we had a housekeeper help come in every couple of weeks, which was a terrific help. However, I would tidy in a mad rush like a crazy person the night before so they could clean. When I was tired most nights after the kid's routines and dinner, I grabbed an empty bin or laundry basket and just threw the random stuff in there, thinking I would put it all away later. The baskets got shoved into our unfinished basement, where, due to my memory issues, I promptly forgot about them.
Fast forward several years, and my oldest was struggling and hated school. After talking to a caring teacher, we took her to get privately assessed, and it was found that she had ADHD. As they described the symptoms and experiences, I heard warning bells. Parts of this sounded like me. But I told myself I was doing ok. My career was taking off. I was volunteering in the community and thought I had it all together.
In the meantime, our home was getting worse and worse. Those doom boxes in the basement were filling up that space. And my shopping was creating more and more extra junk in our house. But it was overwhelming me more and more.
I finally started to make a change around 2019. I tried so many different methods and ways to declutter and found many of them so overwhelming. I finally found Dana K White on a podcast and started listening and trying her methods; somewhat half-assed, but it did help. Something about her and her self-deprecating humour, describing her issues and new simple steps, spoke to me. It was like she was in my head. I watched all her YouTube videos. And had a realization that every little bit of time helps. It did not need to be a whole-day marathon. We made massive momentum in our home during the pandemic by decluttering and getting honest about how much we could manage.
We set up routines with laundry and dishes and standard housekeeping tasks. I even do menu planning now before we shop for groceries.
We emptied out that basement of all its Doom boxes and surprises. It was painful because I had to admit I had done this, and all the money was wasted. I was able to confront that secret shame and no longer shop like I once did.
We can have people over with little notice, and I am not embarrassed. We can now see and keep up with regular home chores and maintenance projects. Someone can work on our furnace or water heater without spending days clearing a path for them. I can be on a Zoom call and not worry about the piles in the background.
My home still gets messy, but routines quickly restore it. I know where things are, and regular decluttering is now an ingrained habit and is really satisfying.
Now, I am making it my mission to help other ADHD people, with all the empathy in the world, no matter where they are starting from, to declutter and organize their homes and lives functionally and reduce their stress and overwhelm. It was amazing how much having a tidier, less cluttered home has helped me function better in so many areas that I was struggling with.
If I can do this, anyone can!
MY FRIENDS CALL ME Dee
A journey of self-discovery, atonement and acceptance after a middle-aged ADHD Diagnosis
On a cold December afternoon in 2022, I requested a call with my family doctor that would change the trajectory of my life, and would be the missing piece of the puzzle I had been searching for.
I was concerned, after watching endless YouTube videos and listening to Spotify podcasts, there was a chance that I could be neurodivergent, with all signs pointing towards Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder.
Years before my self-discovery journey, like many others, I had a very stereotypical picture in my mind of who was afflicted with this diagnosis: your typical rowdy, class-clown (always a boy), whose parents were on a first name basis with the school principal, and who had his teachers fantasizing about early retirement.
Into my thirties, I had come to find two of my much younger extended family members had been diagnosed with ADHD, one of which is female. My first initial thought was, “but, she’s a girl, is that possible?” It turns out it is, and her mom shared the same concerns about her daughter, that would be the crux of the tumultuous relationship I had living with my parents, which caused endless arguments, tears and epic fights, well into my twenties and early thirties, to which I think back upon with the heaviest of hearts.
Going down the rabbit hole a little deeper, I started to reflect upon earlier childhood quirks that have carried into adulthood, which are considered traits of ADHD
Clue 1: “It was all a dream…”
I definitely was not a class clown in elementary school; I was reserved and quiet. During that time, I always felt like a spectator, watching the other kids interact in a way that looked so natural, and without insecurity. Unfortunately, I was bullied as a child for having glasses (and later, braces). To feel better about my childhood, I like to think of myself as an OH (Original Hipster), with my thick coke-bottle 1980’s specs, and sailor outfits that every Italian mother dressed their children in on special occasions.
When picking me up from elementary school, my mother always remarked that I was “always the last one ready” and took a while to put on my coat and boots. This is one trait, that has followed me well into my early forties. Before an event, to help keep me on track, my outfit is decided upon at least 48 hours in advance, to avoid multiple outfit changes, and leaving a pile of clothes on the bed, which will not be hung back up for at least a week or two.
My husband (who’s never late) patiently provides me a two-hour advanced reminder to be ready by “X” time, with multiple reminders every half-hour. I am a huge daydreamer, and while I am supposed to be focusing on getting ready on time, I get lost in the playground of my mind, thinking about anything and everything, from replaying a disagreement with an old friend from 15 years ago, to picturing myself on stage, singing to thousands of adoring fans, screaming my name (Sidebar – I can’t sing). My inner world is so rich and colourful; reality is too boring for me. I retreat within myself.
Clue 2: “Another hit”
Down the Rabbit Hole, I started to learn about Dopamine, the chemical deficiency that causes those with ADHD to search high and low for that “hit”, the high that helps to make us feel whole.
As a child, I looked forward to Easter and Halloween chocolate binges.
I remember receiving a box of fancy Godiva chocolates one Easter. I’ve never seen so many different types of nuts and creams before! Within minutes, the top tray was devoured. Once the tummy ache subsided, I would hit up the box for round two!
There is a significant age gap between my brother and I, when I was too old to go Trick or Treating, I would steal his Halloween candy. I knew all the hiding spots. It didn’t matter how much he cried to my parents, or how many times I would be yelled at… I WANTED THAT CHOCOLATE, and nobody could stop me.
In my twenties, when I started working full-time and became self-conscious about my body and fashion, I went from chocoholic, to shopaholic. Whenever I was lonely, and felt misunderstood and stressed out (which felt like every day) I would shop to take the edge off.
I’m embarrassed to think about how many articles of clothing I bought that I only wore a few times, and heartbroken to think with all that money wasted, I could have had a down-payment on a home in my twenties, which would have been my ticket to independence.
After my thirtieth birthday, I made a commitment to lose as much weight as possible. Still a shopaholic, I got “hooked” on exercise and dieting. I became obsessed with the process, and the new “hit” was the compliments from women, who would tell me I looked “so good”. When you are bullied as a child by female classmates, those compliments were vindication from my lonely childhood.
To add insult to injury, with my new thin body, I would by designer clothes that I could not afford, to show the world how “fabulous” I looked.
I became very slender, and my parents were very concerned. My mother would keep pies in the fridge to help stimulate my appetite. I had a hard time controlling myself, however, this new obsession made me feel like I was finally in control of myself and my life.
To this day, I still struggle with body image, however, I feel like I am on the right track, and I am proud of the progress I have made.
Clue 3: “The Fire-Breathing Dragon”
Looking deeper within myself, and taking an honest inventory of my past relationship issues, I would say the most damaging and regrettable symptom of my ADHD is the struggle to keep my anger under control and difficulty with emotional regulation. Friends and loved ones can forgive a messy room, or being fashionably late, but the relational damage one can do when angry, can harm a relationship, and dissolve within seconds.
There are two sides of me. My “Light Side” is loving, jovial, and friendly. Always happy to offer help to dear friends. The side that cries when watching sad commercials, no matter who is in the room with me. This side loves kittens, puppies, and the colour pink. Picture Elle Woods (Legally Blonde), without the law degree. Unfortunately, kindness is often mistaken for weakness, and I have been hurt in the past when being too open to the wrong people.
My Shadow Self I affectionately refer to as the three-headed dragon; not many people have had the displeasure to make her acquaintance. She is mean, fierce and is full of blackout, unbridled rage when pushed past the point of no return. When triggered from repeated signs of disrespect, unkind words, feeling harshly judged, she builds up that anger, until it explodes. The pain of perceived rejection feels like a sharp finger-nail, digging deeply, and opening a core wound. It is unbearable. Picture Daenerys Targaryen (final season of Game of Thrones), destroying King’s Landing, without mercy.
Am I like this because of trauma from childhood bulling, combined with having Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), which many with ADHD experience? Quite possibly. It is something I still struggle with and have taken steps to seek help with. I am learning to be kinder to myself, and I hope one day I can downgrade my three-headed dragon, to a feisty chihuahua – some bite, but not as ferocious.
My Light Side and Shadow Side make a great team when I am in a good headspace (I can slay dragons, with tact, while looking great in pink)
With these clues, as well as other symptoms that I shared with my family doctor, I was able to get an appointment with an ADHD clinic in Toronto. After multiple tests and evaluations, it was confirmed, yes, I do have ADHD.
There were so many feelings to process from the diagnosis. A part of me was relieved – finally – the challenges I have been struggling with have a name and a cause. A part of me also felt let down and full of regret. What if I had received the diagnosis years ago, would I have had a better life today?
Yesterday is done, and while there are actions in my past I regret, that can be attributed to having ADHD, I can honestly say I am proud of all I have accomplished, despite of it. With grit and determination, I was able to create a wonderful life for myself, I am resilient and have overcome challenges with hard work, and determination.
It has been a year since my diagnosis, and I am excited for what the future holds, and I am looking forward to exploring my new world with others on this journey with me.
Your friend,
Dee
A few weeks ago, my child stepped off the school bus quietly, and grabbed my hand to walk home with an uncharacteristically quiet demeanor. He is usually bouncing, with his backpack unzipped and bubbling about new facts he’s learned - or about how he doesn’t quite trust the new facts he’s learned. In my mind, he is a tiny excited professor, with his black-rimmed glasses and constant skepticism about my extremely thorough and age-appropriate answers to his constant stream of questions.
All became clear, however, when he handed me his yellow assessment folder, which housed a math test where the mark didn’t reflect his (above grade) knowledge. Curious, I reviewed the test with him and discovered that he completely missed the second part of a question, didn’t check back of the page thereby missing another question, and didn’t understand what a third question was asking - and didn’t ask for help. When I asked him about the test, it was clear he didn’t receive the support to which he was entitled, as per his Individualized Education Plan (IEP).
I could see the deleterious impact of this test on my otherwise happy, curious and engaged child and my chest tightened; what was a frustrated mama to do?! Breathe with me for a second, as I switch from mama mode to teacher mode.
In assessment, we want to ensure that what we end up measuring is actually what we intended to measure. Sometimes, because of implicit biases of its creators, the measurement instrument itself (e.g., the test) creates unintended “noise”, obfuscating the results. In standardized testing, for example, questions framed outside of one cultural set of norms result in poorer test scores; just a small change to reword it in a familiar cultural context, equalizes scores. This is just one example of one type of assessment bias, and because it holds to a single state of what is expected (an assumption that makes little sense in schools today), it unfairly discriminates against those unfamiliar with it.
In the same way, the classroom teacher wants to measure math proficiency with the test. But, if a child doesn’t understand or even see the questions, the resulting scores don’t measure proficiency with math. In the case of my child, the test measured, for example, his ability to hold a second instruction to a question in working memory, which we already know is impaired due to ADHD. Clearly differentiating the separate instructions through format, layout, numbers/letters or by highlighting is one small change that would help my child to demonstrate his proficiency at math, allowing the test to now measure what it set out to measure.
Given that the purpose of the assessment is to determine if my child knows and understands the math content and can demonstrate it accordingly, accommodations are in place to ensure any barriers that create “noise” in the results are removed. His accommodations include having the teacher go over/mark up the questions with him individually during the test to ensure he sees and understands all the questions. The same accommodations might apply to ESL students, for example. In addition, his accommodations include receiving a test that is laid out more clearly and formatted differently, where specific word cues are highlighted in some way, where there is a clear visual cue (such as an arrow) to indicate additional questions on the reverse side. The same accommodations might apply to a student with a visual impairment, for example. Additional small changes for assessing him include that he can be tested verbally, be assigned a scribe, take the test in a separate room and take additional time to complete.
Now, back to mama mode.
When my son came home that day, he dejectedly handed me his yellow assessment folder, head down and shoulders slumped; the sight of which broke my heart. But it wasn’t just this one test, anymore. The repeated experience of getting poor test results back, especially in subject areas in which he excels conceptually, had been chipping away at his confidence, self-esteem and self-efficacy. He was starting to dread school, and losing motivation to bother with schoolwork. The actual mark on this math test was never my concern, nor the impetus for acting. Rather, it was the excruciating realization, as both a teacher and parent, that schooling was destroying my child’s seemingly unquenchable thirst for learning.
I gave him a big hug and told him that there was a mistake with the test, and that it wasn’t set up in a way that allowed him to show his teacher what he actually knew. He seemed relieved that it wasn’t his own failing. I asked him if he’d prefer the teacher verbally test him on the questions he missed, and he lit up.
I sent an email to the teacher to ask if accommodations had been given for this test, and asked her to make one small change by re-assessing him verbally for this subject matter. Teachers, just like our children, are doing the best they can, and a gentle reminder, in the context of the partnership that has been consistently nurtured all year, is both kind and helpful, if your child isn’t getting the support they should be. Teachers have deep expertise in many areas, but you are the subject matter expert on your child’s needs. It is likely you hold key information that, once shared with the teacher, can make a world of difference to both teacher and student. You are your child’s advocate, cheerleader and protector - and your involvement in your child’s education is your right.
The next day I received a note from the teacher thanking me for the reminder about testing himverbally. That afternoon, he bounded off the bus, raced into my arms, yellow folder already in hand and head held high; my tiny professor had aced the test.
When I first got diagnosed with ADHD just over two years ago, my therapist told to me about something she and her colleagues dubbed “The Three-Year Reckoning.” They gave it this name after noticing it happen time and time again in their practice; things finally starting to fall into place for their clients after their ADHD was diagnosed and treatment followed. Slowly but surely, they start to become the version of themselves they have always wanted to be and let me just say, wow, am I in the thick of it now!
It all started for me at the age of 39, when I was diagnosed after my ex-husband and daughters were, as it often happens with women. In fact, most women don’t get diagnosed with ADHD until about the age of 38 and there I was, another statistic for the research papers. My official diagnoses are combined ADHD, social anxiety related to performance and a math learning disability called Dyscalculia. And while it was a relief to finally be diagnosed, that grief that so many ADHDers talk about was also very real and it shook me to my core.
In my advocacy I call it “The Sixth Sense Effect,” that moment you realize it was ADHD all along. Stupid, stupid ADHD screwing with me, my family and everything around me! I had countless sleepless nights rewinding and overanalyzing the movie reel of my life and ruminating about what could’ve and should’ve been had I been diagnosed earlier.
Could school have been easier for me, and would I be smarter and or successful today as a result? Could I have pursued a job I would have loved in journalism or entertainment if I didn’t struggle so much with RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) and performance anxiety? Could I have saved my marriage if I got my control and anger issues in check sooner? Could I have been a better mom who didn’t rage so much and not have traumatized my kids the way I did? Let’s face it ladies, we could “shoulda, woulda, coulda” ourselves to death but it’s not something I recommend because we can’t change what was or what could have been. We are here now; things cannot be erased and all we can do is move forward with grace.
So, in true ADHD fashion, I moved forward in fast forward and hyper focused hard. The difference was that this time, the focus was on ME. What a notion, huh moms? Giving ourselves the time and attention we need to get better? And what I learned quickly is the more I looked in the mirror, dug deep and devoted myself to my own treatment with medication, therapies and an intense devotion to improving and maintaining my physical health, the faster it all got better for my daughters too.
If you’re reading this blog, I’m assuming you know a thing or two about neurodiversity and how it’s genetic and tends to cluster in families, friend groups and work groups. There was even a study done on it recently called “Birds of a Feather” that proved just how prevalent it is. And it makes sense, doesn’t it? People with different brains being drawn to one another for just that reason? Yet when I talk to the women in the support group I run and as I continue to advocate, I find more and more that it’s often the atypical control freak, ultra organized, chronically overwhelmed and emotionally unstable neurodivergent moms who are the ones that are diagnosed last. We just learned to mask it so well that we can even fool ourselves. This is why I can’t stress enough how important it is for ALL family members to be screened once one is diagnosed.
My first day on medication was wild. I had that typical first experience of it kicking in and my world being rocked. Not everyone has that experience but, in my case, it’s exactly how it went. Within one hour of the meds kicking in, I felt the tension leave my body and it was quiet. Like, really quiet. I felt calm, focused, less agitated, less anxious, clear minded and moved through my day with ease. I remember crying myself to sleep that night at the realization that after trying so many things for so long; therapy, antidepressants, getting healthy and blowing up my life, this was one of the things I clearly needed all along. Yet not one of the 4 therapists I went to saw it in me, even the one that noticed it in my ex after meeting him only twice. I was angry and sad, and it was in that moment I knew I would never shut up about it so let me hop up on my soap box real quick and allow me to remind you all of a few things:
We HAVE ADHD. It’s IT and not US that trips us up from time to time. It doesn’t define us; we didn’t ask for it and we don’t deserve it. These are our symptoms, not our personality and we’re not bad people, moms, dads, or friends. It is possible and up to us to take control of these symptoms, though, and this I know for sure. Not all the way and we’ll never be perfect but with ADHD being one of the most treatable disorders in the world, as full-blown adults it’s our responsibility to treat the symptoms as best we can with the resources we have. Our diagnosis is an explanation but not an excuse so if you learn anything from reading this blog, I hope it’s this: pursuing a diagnosis and treatment is worth it, things can and will get better, and you’ll never regret it.
I must say I’m still pretty bitter about it being missed in me my entire life. We tend to ask ourselves things like how the hell did the doctors and therapists not see it? Was it not obvious? Do they not know enough about it? How did I, the world’s biggest know-it-all, not know!? I guess the short answer is that it’s just not obvious for most girls and women who tend to be more internally hyperactive, inattentive and daydreamy but I can assure you I am NOT. From the day I shot out of the womb, I was loud, hyperactive, charismatic, funny, quirky and unique. I’m a first generation Canadian, raised in a very strict home in the 80’s so ADD, as it would’ve been called back then, wasn’t something anyone around me would’ve heard of. And being the bright, cunning, resourceful girl I was, I flew under the radar for a very long time.
And about that Three-Year Reckoning I wrote about earlier? Here’s a not-so-comprehensive list of all the things I’ve done since diagnosed just over two years ago:
I’m pretty blown away by this list myself and almost in tears as I’m getting it all down. I take all the time in the world to list my to-dos and should-dos but have never actually sat down to list my “have-dones” until now. Please don’t tell my therapist, she’ll kill me! She’s told me a million times to write them down and shove them in my face, all the things I’ve accomplished and am proud of. But I’m just not the journaling kind. Maybe this is my cue, though, to get at it and finally put some pen to paper and write a book or something. I don’t know, but I’m sure I’ll get to it some day.
Lastly, I want to mention, for anyone who resents the use of the term “superpower” when it comes to ADHD, let’s agree to disagree. I’m no dumb dumb and well aware my untreated ADHD effed up my life more than it helped it and ADHD itself is not a superpower. But when we can get the symptoms in check, all the amazing things that usually come with ADHD can help us soar, no doubt. Those we can use as superpowers and promote them as such, especially to instill some confidence in our neurodivergent youth who need it so badly right now.
I know I wouldn’t be the person I am or be where I am today without my ADHD and I can say with 100% certainty that if given the option, I would never give it back. I am the coolest, most fun mom, the most loyal and ridiculously funny friend, an intensely loving and giving human being, devoted to making a difference and doing good in the world. I’m hella intuitive, creative and capable of balancing much more than the average human because I’m not your average human. Sure, I probably screw up and act out more often than others do. But now that I’ve learned to quickly repair and forgive myself and others, I’m learning to love me and my unique brain more and more each day. We’re a pretty cool pair, my brain and me. Stuck with one another for all of eternity. And I’m okay with that. Very okay with that.
