Parenting, Productivity and Perseverance: My late ADHD diagnosis and what I’ve learned as a parent, partner and executive by Leanne

I remember the moment I found out I had ADHD – in my early 40’s – so clearly. When my psychologist revealed the outcome of my assessment and confirmed, indeed, I had ADHD… my life flashed through my mind. The ideas, the stories I couldn’t tell without at least one side quest, the fast talking, the moments when silence had been so tough, the times I have been noted as an ‘out of the box thinker’ (what does that even mean?), the feedback I’ve received in annual reviews. And then my children.

I sought out a diagnosis not because I thought I had ADHD. The fact is, like so many other women, I had no idea. Sure, I had anxiety that came on postpartum after having our second child, but ADHD had never crossed my mind.

Earlier that year, my son was struggling in school with reading in Grade 1. Not at all surprising for this age. He’s a bright, very inquisitive, high energy little guy who is empathetic and can read a room so quickly. I wanted some help with how he learns so we decided to pursue an educational assessment with a psychologist, which revealed he had ADHD. That is a moment I will also never forget.

Suddenly I was alone – almost no one I knew (or so I thought) had ADHD, no one’s children had ADHD… and ADHD children were the more challenging group in the classroom, weren’t they? – the ones who couldn’t sit still, who had outbursts, who were usually spending time with the principal (at least in my early childhood they were). None of this fit my child. And then the psychologist said, you and your husband may want to consider getting tested as well because it can be hereditary. “Doesn’t fit me”, I thought. “Maybe on my husband’s side?”. In that moment, the psychologist said something I will never forget: “it presents completely differently in girls than it does in boys, and historically, girls have been severely underdiagnosed”. Enter the deep dive into ADHD in Women. And children… All of the research. What is an IPP? How do I do that with the school? What should be in it? What does a good one contain? What should it not contain? How do I advocate for him to get the best outcome for my son, for his classmates, for his future?

This was so new for me. I had no community, no one to talk to or ask questions to – no one that I knew of who had been here before.

It was one year before I started to be brave enough to talk about it to others outside of our family. When I first started talking about ADHD at work, sharing some of the things I had learned about myself, my children, working with the schools… I found out that there were so many others like me. Who had no community, no one to talk to, who were also scared of the stigma and what it might mean for them at work and elsewhere if they shared their experience.

I am a CFO by day, and am deeply involved in Diversity, Equity and Inclusion, Accessibility and Belonging. I know tone starts at the top. I know sharing personal experience makes a difference. It did for me in so many different ways throughout my career and I have such great respect for those who were open before me about their struggles and successes, whether it was in work/life balance, managing the boardroom or decision making. I knew I had to share more of my story. What ADHD has meant for me personally, how it presents for me (because everyone experiences it differently), and what it means in our family.

I see now that my ADHD has helped me be creative in how I tackle problems, how I read and respond to people. I am excellent at reading body language, which gives me an edge to step in when I know someone has been triggered in a conversation or negotiation. I know when we need to take a break and revisit an issue to give everyone time and space.

What helps me? As an executive, pre-reads are critical. I used to be the one saying ‘no one reads the pre-read’. But I do now. It helps me focus on the issue and task at hand. It is even better when there is a clear delineation between what is for information or background, and what decision is needed.

I now use notes when I speak publicly. I am not embarrassed by that at all. In fact, I call it out as helping me stay on track so we don’t go on too many side quests. I also have stopped rehearsing before most of my public speaking engagements. I have all of the ideas in my head. I jot down key points on my notes so I stay on track. I have found when I rehearse, I spend too much time in my head chastising myself when I miss a line that I had rehearsed while I’m presenting and that’s not a place I want to be. I’m more robotic and inauthentic, and that’s not who I am in reality. I’m a great speaker and even better when I’m able to read the audience and add/remove content depending on the room.

Deadlines are mission critical. Without a deadline, nothing is getting done on paper. I will have all of the ideas in my head, just like when I’m doing a speaking engagement, but nothing will move to paper without the deadline. One step deeper than that, it is likely nothing will move to paper until I am within 24 to 48 hours from the deadline. The pressure makes the ideas come out in a way that flows naturally.

As a parent, understanding what is happening with my children, trying new things because our brains get bored easily and switching up the tactics is helpful. Keeping in contact regularly with the teachers in terms of learning, behaviour, what’s working, what’s been challenging – this has been a game changer.

With my children, I find asking open ended questions when they get in the car after school like “What’s one thing you learned that was new today?”, “What was the best part of your day?”, “What’s something you’re proud of today?”, “What did you find tough today?” gives me great insight into their views. If they aren’t ready to talk because they need some time to unwind, these conversations can also happen closer to bed time.

I also have come to terms with, and accepted, that it is ok for me to be overstimulated and what I describe as ‘out-touched’. I love my children dearly and there are times when I need just a couple of inches on either side as my own space because I am overstimulated and/or need to maintain focus on a particular activity. It has taken a long time to get over the guilt of that, and I am a better partner and parent when I am open about needing a bit of space. Modelling this for my children has also helped them be able to advocate for themselves when they also find they are overstimulated and need space as well, which makes me incredibly proud of them.

All of this is also why I took an even deeper dive and became an ADHD Coach. The community I have been able to create at work, how I felt when I was diagnosed, and hearing stories and struggles of others tells me there is a deep need for connection in this space. Safe connection. Where parents, loved ones, caregivers, teachers and more can learn about ADHD – both the bright side and the challenges… How we can set ourselves up for success as parents, whether we have ADHD or not, and ensure our children are set up for success as well and not deficit thinking; the supports that are available (and the waitlists that unfortunately prevail), and tools we can use right now to help ourselves, our children, youth, students, and young adults be successful in the way they choose to that is important and provides meaning to them.

That deep dive I took into learning all about it on my own, I pour into my groups and learning modules. During the Office Hours/QA time, I see their eyes light up with connection and “Oh! That’s why…” Truly the best part of my day is working with these folks who care so deeply about those with ADHD in their lives, and themselves as well – because many of them also have ADHD too.

What can you do? Great question. As an employer, leader, colleague - if someone has shared a neurodivergent diagnosis with you, thank them for sharing and trusting you. Ask questions like “How can I best support you?”. Believe people’s experiences and stories. Believe those who ask for accommodation and to the best that you’re able, provide it. From a workplace perspective, don’t simply implement things you’ve read about on the internet without asking for perspective from those who would benefit – this is not a one size fits all solution.

As a parent, caregiver, teacher, partner, loved one, connection – keep the conversation going. Advocate for your children. Use the tools like IPP’s that are available to document the support your student needs to be successful. Have open conversations with the school about what they are experiencing and forge a relationship to work together for the benefit of the student. Teach advocacy skills and being attuned to one’s body. Don’t be afraid to take time for yourself to regroup – you will be a better person for it. Know that sometimes it is a dance of two steps forward one step back, but each of these steps are learning and that is a win. Keep on doing the things you are doing because you’re making a difference, even when it might feel like you’re not.

I would like to close this post with a heartfelt thank you to the parents, caregivers, loved ones, teachers, colleagues, friends, families and connections of those with ADHD. By engaging in the learning and conversations, you make it easier for us to be open and learn about ourselves as well. ADHD can be exhausting – not just for us who have ADHD but also for those around us. Your help and support means the world to those around you.

Bio:

Leanne Gawley (she/her) is an internationally experienced neurodivergent finance professional turned ADHD and Executive Coach. She has dedicated her career to helping individuals and teams with finding success in a way that is authentic to their journey. As a professional ADHD and Executive Coach, Leanne specializes in helping children and families with ADHD navigate to understanding and success, and Executives who are feeling stuck to rediscover purpose and meaning. She is a Chartered Professional Accountant (Alberta), holds an MBA (Manchester University), a Certified Executive Coach (Royal Roads University), Associate Certified Coach (International Coaching Federation), ADHD Coach (JST Coaching) and Imposter Syndrome Informed Coach (Imposter Syndrome Institute). She resides in Moh’kinsstis, traditional Treaty 7 territory, commonly referred to as Calgary, Alberta with her husband and children.

http://www.leannegawley.ca/