Parenting with ADHD can be quite overwhelming. For most of my life, I was misdiagnosed. I was told I had major depressive disorder that was resistant to treatment, anxiety, and Anorexia Nervosa. I was hospitalized when I was 20 years old for Anorexia and these were the diagnosis I was given. I had been on numerous medications and had ECT treatments done but still, I felt numb and empty, always overwhelmed, the smallest things would set me off, and I could not handle hearing multiple noises. It was as if all the noises enraged me, add in a child who also has ADHD and it was like a bomb in the house. My son was diagnosed at the age of 8 in 2023 before I was, I was diagnosed a month after he was! Getting his diagnosis was a time-consuming process, I kept being told that he is just a boy, they are hyperactive, that’s just who they are! It wasn’t until grade 3 that things started to get worse, he was having behaviors at school, was falling behind in school and struggling to keep up, and at home it was exhausting. My son has a low frustration tolerance and would have multiple meltdowns daily and I did not know how to deal with it effectively, his outbursts would set me off and then it was like a war between us. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted from not only myself but also from not knowing how to properly help him, if I was unable to regulate my emotions how was I supposed to help him? He ended up being seen at the local children’s mental health unit for a year, we were given strategies as was he, they did not always work but it was something we could work on.
As for myself, I was officially diagnosed in August of 2023 after seeing a psychiatrist. I did not go into his office expecting to hear what I did, I was hoping he would have the answers as to why no medications seemed to make me feel any better. Was I overwhelmed, Yes! I have always been a very busy person, someone who is great at multitasking and works insanely well under pressure. I like to say I do my best work under pressure. I worked full-time, completed my degree online, and was raising three kids. All those things combined would make anyone feel overwhelmed right? However, how I was presenting myself told a different story. I felt incapable of parenting my son, my son's dad was calmer with him and was better able to respond to him than I could. I felt like I was drowning and failing my son. I was hoping the psychiatrist would have been able to find the right medication, however, he was concerned and baffled at the number of medications I have tried and none seemed to do anything for me. I felt so numb, and irritable, found no enjoyment in life, and was losing motivation, I just felt hopeless. After everything was said and done, I was diagnosed with ADHD. After hearing this I was sad, and I remember just crying, thinking that If I had been diagnosed and treated properly earlier how my life may have been different? I was mourning that young girl who struggled for years, hating herself, compulsively exercising, and just being sad for many years. I also felt like a bad parent, it was not my son's fault that he was struggling, but I was not helping him either.
I felt like I had spent the last 15 years of my life being treated for something that was not the issue, yes, I have depression but now with the right medication and proper diagnosis, I feel like a different person. I won't lie and say it's all sunshine and rainbows, but it feels lighter. There is not so much darkness, I can relate more to my son and I feel like I can effectively deal with his meltdowns, and I know when I need a break. There have been some things that have helped my son and me, now I am not saying this will help everyone but it is what has worked for us. We are still learning as we go, and as I write this, my son will be having a psychoeducational assessment done, hopefully, once this is complete we will have a better understanding of how best to help him.
Things that I have found helpful:
As for myself, taking time away from the kids has been beneficial it allows me to recharge, if I can tell I am starting to feel overwhelmed I step away for a moment and compose myself. If my son and I are starting to butt heads, I will tell him that I need a moment for myself and I will come back and we can talk. It allows us both the chance to regroup, sometimes he needs more time and I allow him that and when he is ready to talk we do. In the last year, I have learned a lot about myself and even him, there are still days when I feel like I do not know how to parent him, but I am hopeful that once we have a full assessment done with him, we can devise a plan that will work and that will help him more. Getting to where we are now has been a long road, I have had to advocate a lot for him, I have reached out to numerous agencies for him, enrolled in parenting classes, and created a support network for him and myself. What I have learned from all of this is to advocate and make sure you have a support network.
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