How challenging and removing the word “SHOULD” from my inner dialogue is cultivating self-compassion by Dee

In 2024, I had entered what I believe to be the “eye of the storm” of the Great Reckoning of my late adult ADHD diagnosis. 

For those of you who are horoscope buffs, last year was pivotal for the cardinal signs.  Astrologists predicted “profound spiritual growth and self-discovery”. 

These predictions of change came to fruition, yet, how this shift happened and what unexpected events unfolded can be described as a metaphorical geomagnetic storm which caused mass destruction of my sense of self, stability and identity. 

I literally felt as if my world exploded.  I received the shift I had been longing for … but not in the way I thought things “should” have happened.

         During this Trial By Fire, I was fortunate to have a trusted professional ally teach me about Mindfulness, which is quite different then Meditation.  Before exploring Mindfulness, I would strongly suggest working with a trained professional; please note this is my personal experience I am sharing, and by no means medical advice.

I’ve heard the phrase “be mindful” and I initially connected it to attention to detail, being on time, and politeness, but until last year, I didn’t realize it meant so much more.

Being Mindful has to do with awareness in your body and mind – it is noticing sensations and thoughts.  As those of us with ADHD can attest, when your mind is going a mile a minute, slowing down to notice seems impossible.

I gave Mindfulness a try; I would take walks alone, and practiced “noticing”:

I heard birds, singing softly.

I felt the warm sun on my face.

I smelled freshly cut grass.

So far so good.

From there, I would begin to notice sensations in my body:

My jaw is clenched.

My cheeks are sore.

My foot is really sore.

My shoulders are tight.

My hand is trembling.

Not so good…

The most profound part of this experience was noticing the sound-track of negative thoughts, playing through my mind.

These negative thoughts became very noticeable. 

Imagine your worst critic reciting a laundry list of everything you didn’t do in your life, with feelings of guilt and shame attached.

“You Should have kids, everyone else does.”

(sidebar, I have fertility issues)

“You Should have more money saved”

“You Should have known better”

“You Should learn to stop talking so much – you’re exposing yourself”

“You Should be a better daughter, wife, friend, human being”

Suddenly, this Mindfulness practice went dark, real quick.

         Although it was a painful at the start, this practice helped and is continuing to help me uncover important insights about myself.  The most profound one was that deep down in my core, I felt ashamed of myself, because I still hold onto comparisons, past mistakes, and internalized old (irrelevant) conversations I heard about other women, and made them about me, because of who had said them and the significance they held in my life.

For example, I still remember the person I respected and looked up to the most in my life making comments about “Ms. So-and-So” someone she did not like, back in 1997.

“Ms. So-and-So” had a messy house, and therefore was called Lazy (Lazy is a word that is very triggering, as I’m sure some of you will agree).

Fast forward to 2024: my chores around the house fell to the side, because of the anxiety and stress I was experiencing.  Through Mindfulness, I uncovered that subconsciously, I was ashamed of myself because, like “Ms. So-and-So”, my house was messy, and because I was messy, I was lazy.

Then, the rumination shame spiral would begin:

“If my house is messy, and I am not working at this time, I will be labeled lazy.”

“If I’m lazy, people will not like me”

“If people don’t like me, they will speak badly of me to others”

“Everyone will know I’m messy and lazy, therefore, I will DIE ALONE” ….

Make. This. Stop.

During my healing journey, I learned to challenge these self-defeating, unproductive and negative thoughts. 

Ultimately, I was rejecting myself and letting the opinions of others (which may or may not be real, and perhaps could have even changed since 1997) keep me stuck in the past, and guide my ship, which was not cool.

I challenged the “messy/lazy/dying alone” stuck point; and uncovered evidence that dismantled this negative belief:

I have arthritis in my foot, making it harder to be mobile (and vacuum the house), and I’m still doing my best despite this.

I am under extreme stress, and there is evidence to show this will affect someone’s home care routine.

My house is in a state of flux now, but it was not always this way.

I will get better, this will change.

I can ask for help.

You have a lot on your plate and are still getting things done, independently.

Having a spotless kitchen does not guarantee a life without hardship, and doesn’t prevent dying alone.

All this evidence suggests I’m not lazy.  Just struggling.

         In 2025, I am making a commitment to challenge the word “should” when it comes in a thought that has guilt and shame attached to it.  A tidy home is great, but do you know what’s even better?  A tidy mind, free of toxic shame and the unimportant and oppressive opinions of others I was holding a yardstick to, so I can assess my self-worth.

Your friend,

Dee