Down the Rabbit Hole by Dee

MY FRIENDS CALL ME Dee
A journey of self-discovery, atonement and acceptance after a middle-aged ADHD Diagnosis

On a cold December afternoon in 2022, I requested a call with my family doctor that would change the trajectory of my life, and would be the missing piece of the puzzle I had been searching for.

I was concerned, after watching endless YouTube videos and listening to Spotify podcasts, there was a chance that I could be neurodivergent, with all signs pointing towards Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder.

Years before my self-discovery journey, like many others, I had a very stereotypical picture in my mind of who was afflicted with this diagnosis: your typical rowdy, class-clown (always a boy), whose parents were on a first name basis with the school principal, and who had his teachers fantasizing about early retirement.

Into my thirties, I had come to find two of my much younger extended family members had been diagnosed with ADHD, one of which is female. My first initial thought was, “but, she’s a girl, is that possible?” It turns out it is, and her mom shared the same concerns about her daughter, that would be the crux of the tumultuous relationship I had living with my parents, which caused endless arguments, tears and epic fights, well into my twenties and early thirties, to which I think back upon with the heaviest of hearts.

Going down the rabbit hole a little deeper, I started to reflect upon earlier childhood quirks that have carried into adulthood, which are considered traits of ADHD

Clue 1: “It was all a dream…”
I definitely was not a class clown in elementary school; I was reserved and quiet. During that time, I always felt like a spectator, watching the other kids interact in a way that looked so natural, and without insecurity. Unfortunately, I was bullied as a child for having glasses (and later, braces). To feel better about my childhood, I like to think of myself as an OH (Original Hipster), with my thick coke-bottle 1980’s specs, and sailor outfits that every Italian mother dressed their children in on special occasions.

When picking me up from elementary school, my mother always remarked that I was “always the last one ready” and took a while to put on my coat and boots. This is one trait, that has followed me well into my early forties. Before an event, to help keep me on track, my outfit is decided upon at least 48 hours in advance, to avoid multiple outfit changes, and leaving a pile of clothes on the bed, which will not be hung back up for at least a week or two.

My husband (who’s never late) patiently provides me a two-hour advanced reminder to be ready by “X” time, with multiple reminders every half-hour. I am a huge daydreamer, and while I am supposed to be focusing on getting ready on time, I get lost in the playground of my mind, thinking about anything and everything, from replaying a disagreement with an old friend from 15 years ago, to picturing myself on stage, singing to thousands of adoring fans, screaming my name (Sidebar – I can’t sing). My inner world is so rich and colourful; reality is too boring for me. I retreat within myself.

Clue 2: “Another hit”
Down the Rabbit Hole, I started to learn about Dopamine, the chemical deficiency that causes those with ADHD to search high and low for that “hit”, the high that helps to make us feel whole.

As a child, I looked forward to Easter and Halloween chocolate binges.
I remember receiving a box of fancy Godiva chocolates one Easter. I’ve never seen so many different types of nuts and creams before! Within minutes, the top tray was devoured. Once the tummy ache subsided, I would hit up the box for round two!
There is a significant age gap between my brother and I, when I was too old to go Trick or Treating, I would steal his Halloween candy. I knew all the hiding spots. It didn’t matter how much he cried to my parents, or how many times I would be yelled at… I WANTED THAT CHOCOLATE, and nobody could stop me.

In my twenties, when I started working full-time and became self-conscious about my body and fashion, I went from chocoholic, to shopaholic. Whenever I was lonely, and felt misunderstood and stressed out (which felt like every day) I would shop to take the edge off.

I’m embarrassed to think about how many articles of clothing I bought that I only wore a few times, and heartbroken to think with all that money wasted, I could have had a down-payment on a home in my twenties, which would have been my ticket to independence.

After my thirtieth birthday, I made a commitment to lose as much weight as possible. Still a shopaholic, I got “hooked” on exercise and dieting. I became obsessed with the process, and the new “hit” was the compliments from women, who would tell me I looked “so good”. When you are bullied as a child by female classmates, those compliments were vindication from my lonely childhood.

To add insult to injury, with my new thin body, I would by designer clothes that I could not afford, to show the world how “fabulous” I looked.

I became very slender, and my parents were very concerned. My mother would keep pies in the fridge to help stimulate my appetite. I had a hard time controlling myself, however, this new obsession made me feel like I was finally in control of myself and my life.

To this day, I still struggle with body image, however, I feel like I am on the right track, and I am proud of the progress I have made.

Clue 3: “The Fire-Breathing Dragon”

Looking deeper within myself, and taking an honest inventory of my past relationship issues, I would say the most damaging and regrettable symptom of my ADHD is the struggle to keep my anger under control and difficulty with emotional regulation.  Friends and loved ones can forgive a messy room, or being fashionably late, but the relational damage one can do when angry, can harm a relationship, and dissolve within seconds.

There are two sides of me.  My “Light Side” is loving, jovial, and friendly.  Always happy to offer help to dear friends.  The side that cries when watching sad commercials, no matter who is in the room with me.  This side loves kittens, puppies, and the colour pink.  Picture Elle Woods (Legally Blonde), without the law degree.  Unfortunately, kindness is often mistaken for weakness, and I have been hurt in the past when being too open to the wrong people.

My Shadow Self I affectionately refer to as the three-headed dragon; not many people have had the displeasure to make her acquaintance.  She is mean, fierce and is full of blackout, unbridled rage when pushed past the point of no return.  When triggered from repeated signs of disrespect, unkind words, feeling harshly judged, she builds up that anger, until it explodes.  The pain of perceived rejection feels like a sharp finger-nail, digging deeply, and opening a core wound.  It is unbearable. Picture Daenerys Targaryen (final season of Game of Thrones), destroying King’s Landing, without mercy.

Am I like this because of trauma from childhood bulling, combined with having Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), which many with ADHD experience?  Quite possibly.  It is something I still struggle with and have taken steps to seek help with.  I am learning to be kinder to myself, and I hope one day I can downgrade my three-headed dragon, to a feisty chihuahua – some bite, but not as ferocious.

My Light Side and Shadow Side make a great team when I am in a good headspace (I can slay dragons, with tact, while looking great in pink)

With these clues, as well as other symptoms that I shared with my family doctor, I was able to get an appointment with an ADHD clinic in Toronto.  After multiple tests and evaluations, it was confirmed, yes, I do have ADHD. 

There were so many feelings to process from the diagnosis.  A part of me was relieved – finally – the challenges I have been struggling with have a name and a cause.  A part of me also felt let down and full of regret.  What if I had received the diagnosis years ago, would I have had a better life today?

Yesterday is done, and while there are actions in my past I regret, that can be attributed to having ADHD, I can honestly say I am proud of all I have accomplished, despite of it.  With grit and determination, I was able to create a wonderful life for myself, I am resilient and have overcome challenges with hard work, and determination. 

It has been a year since my diagnosis, and I am excited for what the future holds, and I am looking forward to exploring my new world with others on this journey with me. 

Your friend,

Dee