When I was 3 years old, I was expelled from preschool (a Montessori school, actually.) Montessori education is, by definition, “child-centred education designed to help all children reach their fullest potential – at their own pace” ….Well, I guess they didn’t like my pace.
I spent a lot of time in the principal’s office, often due to acting without thinking and being impulsive. I switched to a mainstream school in grade 4 and I was identified as “gifted” in grade 5. All that really led to was just me being told I’m not reaching my full potential by teachers, and me questioning for years and years why I seemed so dumb when I was supposed to be so smart. It felt like I was left out of the loop because everyone else seemed to know how smart I was, but I couldn’t figure out why they thought that. I wasn’t top of my class, and it felt like I had accidentally tricked people into thinking I was smart when I wasn’t.
Fast forward to high school, within my friend group I was always the one who knew the most in any study session, but we all just referred to me as “school smart, people stupid” or “book smart, world stupid.” Throughout my life, friends and family have often told me: “you know, you’re really dumb for a smart person” to which I would always agree with them.
In grade 11 chemistry, I finally had a teacher who made it clear to me that he knew there was a disconnect between me and my potential. On tests, he would come over and quietly read the question out loud without changing the wording or explaining it, and for some reason that helped it to “click” when it otherwise wouldn’t have from reading it in my head. This led to me speaking to my SERT (the spec ed teacher assigned to me since I had an IEP), and we set up a consultation with an educational psychologist.
During the evaluation, they told me: “You’re going to graduate next year, you’re an honour roll student, you’re well behaved, you’ve got great attendance. Unfortunately, you’re just not a priority for the school system to approve a proper psychoeducational assessment,” and that was that.
When I got to university, I was so excited about all the new experiences like going to class, living in residence and being downtown without my family. I was desperate for all the cool psychology knowledge I could get my hands on. In my 3rd year, after seeking out an assessment, I got diagnosed with ADHD at age 20 (which in my opinion was 15-17 years too late). I was also diagnosed with anxiety and depression, which, unfortunately, comes with the territory of undiagnosed/untreated ADHD. I slowly got worse and worse with procrastination, especially in my 4th year when I no longer lived in residence and instead had my own apartment.
During 2021 when all my classes were online, I was bad at taking care of myself. I only left my apartment to go to work a few times a week, was pretty depressed, and didn’t care about the work I was doing, which was very unlike me. I was just altogether lacking a lot of motivation for anything and everything. It got hard to do basic stuff like work up the effort to wash dishes or even do things I actually enjoyed like reading or colouring. I would spend hours just staring at the wall like a zombie while on the inside, I was doing mental gymnastics. If you have never experienced being physically tired while simultaneously being mentally hyper -- I’ll tell you right now, it is exhausting.
It was around this time that I started learning as much as I possibly could about ADHD, especially how it is in girls, which is quite different from how it can present in boys. It became a cycle because the more I learned, the more I wanted to learn, and the more I wanted to shout from the rooftops what I had found out. Since then, I have found out that I am also autistic, also something I had to figure out myself. I have continued learning about ADHD, the common misconceptions and realities of those who deal with it, and I have worked hard to advocate for ADHD awareness.
Currently, I am in a Master’s of Teaching program and have dedicated my research to help kids with ADHD as a teacher, and especially, to help kids who might slip through the cracks of the diagnostic system like I did. I know that I am really fortunate to have had the privileges in life that I’ve had, and that my school experience was generally positive. Ultimately though, my public-school experience left me feeling that this cannot be the best it gets for other neurodivergent students.
Despite the popular myth that ADHD is over diagnosed, those with ADHD, as well as those with autism, often make it into adulthood before being diagnosed. So many of my future neurodivergent students may very well not have an accurate IEP during their time in my classes if they are given one at all.
Sometimes people tell me that all I talk about is ADHD and to that, I say: “so?” Not enough other people are talking about it, and if that means I must take it upon myself to spread awareness for it a bit more, I think that is really a small price to pay. To put it this way: anyone who might get annoyed with me for going on and on about ADHD, how much of life it affects and how more teachers, parents, and people, in general, should know about it, I would much rather have them be mildly annoyed with me instead of have kids grow up hating themselves or thinking they’re broken or alone in the world.
Growing up I was a good kid, and I excelled in school. We’re talking straight-A student. I loved to learn, but socially I was an awkward underdog – always insecure and unsure of my place in the world. I never felt like I fit in anywhere – with friends, or even family.
Fast forward to adulthood. I was married at 24 and had my two children at ages 25 and 26. I was living the dream with a home in the country and my perfect family. There was still an internal struggle, like a dark cloud hanging over me, but I managed. I’ve always been productive, fairly efficient, and never late for anything. On the outside, I believe I appeared to have it all together. On the inside, I don’t think I ever did until I reached (and overcame) my breaking point at the age of 35.
I had always been inactive, overweight, and never really prioritized my health and wellness. It was Summer 2020 when my children had grown enough to need me less, that I decided my lifestyle needed a serious change. I committed to an intense wellness challenge, determined to lose weight, get fit and feel great. Guess what?! It worked. It worked really well. I lost a lot of weight and was obsessed with the new me. Meal planning and exercising became my everything. I had accomplished something I never thought possible. But as I was building good health, I was also damaging it. Little ailments kept popping up resulting in numerous doctor visits.
By Winter 2021-2022 I was a wreck. I was stuck in calorie-deficit-mode when I no longer needed to be – which shifted to semi-starvation without me realizing it. I felt like I was living a lie – like the old me was going to return and everyone would see me fail. I was obsessed with maintaining control with every ounce of my being, until I cracked. An eating disorder was at the top of my mind. My husband was concerned about my mental health.
At this point, after visits to my doctor over physical ailments – I went in with my mental health concerns. My doctor recognized some patterns and behaviours at this point. ADHD was the diagnosis. I was stunned. Never in my life had I ever thought I had any of the characteristics. Truth is, I just internalized (masked) them all. My brain is very cluttered. I’m very forgetful and fidgety. I’m a terrible listener, known to interrupt and offer my two cents when they aren’t asked for. I obsess about the things that interest me. When I’m bored or lacking stimulation, I plummet into laziness, negativity, overthinking and often turn to food for comfort. My fixation on weight loss and physical improvement was my continuous hit of dopamine.
Since my diagnosis about a year ago, I have received support for my ADHD, as well as my disordered eating (and exercising). It became evident quite quickly that ADHD was the root. In treating and learning to manage it, my other problems have become much more manageable. I am a healthy weight, and no longer fixate on the unhealthy habits I’d established.
My diagnosis floored me because it was so unexpected. At first, I felt intense grief over the years lost not knowing myself. My life didn’t have to be as hard or confusing as it was! After those feelings subsided came a feeling of freedom. I stopped caring about what people thought of me. I stopped making choices based on others’ expectations or judgements of me. I started living more and worrying less.
My diagnosis has taught me so much about myself. It strengthened my marriage, and resulted in some changes in the ways we both parent our children. I’ve gained the confidence to start my own creative marketing business, and I’ve built some solid relationships with people who love and accept me for who I am.
I’m managing my symptoms with many tools. Medication calms my busy brain, but I must put in the work every day to thrive.
Here's a list of things that work for me:
• I articulate my feelings of stress and anxiety when I’m feeling overwhelmed.
• I find healthy hobbies and outlets for managing my symptoms and improving my health.
• I acknowledge that I feel my best when I eat well, drink plenty of water, and sleep well (although I don’t always do these things).
• I find challenges for myself and set goals. Then I use those goals to create action plans. It gives me motivation and something positive to fixate on.
• I see a therapist specializing in ADHD.
• I take risks (reasonable ones) and embrace opportunities to experience new things.
• I make lists so I don’t forget things as often. Crossing things off my to-do lists is very satisfying!
During the pandemic when I started that fitness challenge, I discovered a love for running. It is hands-down the most effective tool for managing my ADHD symptoms. I find peace when I run. I feel powerful when I run. Runner's high is the real deal! I love running so much that I challenged myself to complete a half-marathon. I trained through the winter and accomplished my goal on March 5th. I’m ready to do a second in May!
My ADHD diagnosis has changed my life. That’s not to say it’s not hard – it’s always hard. It creates a lot of stress and consumes a lot of energy to manage. But I choose to see the silver lining. I’m alive, I finally accept myself as I am, and I’ve learned to embrace imperfection. I accept that there will be bad days scattered amongst the good days. I’m finally starting to understand myself, and that’s really freeing.
If I were diagnosed earlier, my life would have been much different.
I would not have had to put up with the abuse I endured growing up and after I left home. I was called lazy, stupid, and crazy and told that those with ADHD have lower intelligence than those with out it.
Nancy, diagnosed at age 55
I can remember sitting in a grad school seminar when the professor, referring to children with executive functioning skill challenges, said we need to remember “to lend our kids our frontal lobes.” What they meant was that for children struggling with executive functioning, as many children with ADHD do, we, as the parents, teachers, and other supporting professionals will often have to directly model and then support the development of these skills with our children and youth. This idea is one I return to frequently as both my daughter and the youth I support in private practice begin their return to on-campus, post-secondary learning. For some students, this month is marking the first return to in-person learning since March of 2020. While for others, this is the first time ever being on campus, as they began their post-secondary experience remotely. As the youth prepare for their transitions, this important idea of lending our frontal lobes has become very timely once again.
Over the past few weeks, I have found myself supporting a number of youth with their plans for in-person academic re-entry. While it is often assumed that students can’t wait to return to an on-campus experience, many are nervous. I have found myself “lending my kids our frontal lobes”. Ideas that may be helpful for other parents and professionals in the weeks ahead:
Schedules. Students are needing help with their concept of time. They are out of practice with transit schedules, many of which have changed during Covid as new routes are now in place. They need support with factoring in the time required to pass through screening checkpoints and learning how to use the apps needed to facilitate that process. There is also time budgeting to get from campus to part-time jobs. Another new experience for many of them. I have found myself helping many students set various alarms and reminders in order to help their days run as smoothly as possible.
Workload Management. Many students have not had in-person instruction at the post-secondary level. I have found myself reminding youths about how in-person learning will go. They are worried about note-taking skills and in-person groups. Many lectures have been recorded and students have been able to pause lectures and relisten to sections of the lecture in order to refine their notes. There is nervousness over losing that ability. Accessibility offices have required emails so new accommodations can be smoothly transitioned in. Students are feeling overwhelmed.
Organizing. Many students are asking for support to organize bags and supplies. Many students, especially in hands-on programs such as art, have never had to collect and bring in their art supplies. The organizing seems daunting. They have forgotten how to pack gym bags, and backpacks, while making sure they have transit passes, and masks. One student talked about sitting in her room unable to start gathering anything as it was all just too much and her brain simply fell apart. Together we went step by step through the organization process. I spoke out loud about my own organizational thinking, modeling how to work through an overwhelming process in pieces. The student’s nervousness decreased. Skills were modeled and belongings were organized in the process.
Anxiety. Students are excited. But, they are anxious. Some of my students have strong self-awareness skills and can recognize their anxiety while others speak more vaguely about their feelings. Regardless, the underlying issue is being anxious about being around people again. There are concerns about social skills, making friends, fitting in, and remaining healthy.
Each student has their own set of concerns but many don’t know what to do with their feelings. I have found myself helping them to identify what is making them anxious and talking through strategies to deal with their feelings. I have been reminding them about the power of the breath. I have been helping them to develop simple, straightforward scripts they can use when they are feeling overwhelmed socially. For some, I have been helping them write emails or make calls to other professionals who have, in the past, been sources of therapeutic support for them.
Our youth have had a very challenging few years. This is a time in their lives when they should be branching out, and learning more about who they are as independent young adults. They should be working to individuate away from their families a little bit but many have not been able to. They are excited their world is starting to open up again. They are also overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, and not sure where to begin. So, for the rest of this school year, and I am certain for the start of the next one as well, I will be lending my frontal lobes to the youth in my life.
Written and submitted by X. Laudati, 14 years old from the USA!
Imagine having an itchy brain
Imagine having trouble focusing
Imagine forcing yourself to be dedicated to something
Imagine when you want something all you do is talk about it
Now just imagine you want everything to go your way
Imagine not sleeping through the night or not needing a lot of sleep
Imagine trying to focus while playing sports with ADHD
Imagine being able to play an entire soccer game without getting tired
Imagine doing something you immediately regret
Just imagine finishing your popcorn before the movie starts
Imagine having someone tell you to “STOP” multiple times
Imagine someone reminding you multiple times to do something
Imagine your name being called all the time but you don’t respond
Imagine how special it is to have ADHD Imagine having endless energy
Imagine having the drive to complete something
Imagine enjoying life and not stressing about stuff
Imagine focusing on the small stuff that gets left behind
Imagine taking risks and learning from them
I could never imagine my life without having ADHD
Alison Brazier, PhD
Alison Brazier is a mother, health scientist, and parent and family ADHD coach supporting families with neurodiversity. She is the founder of Brilliant Not Broken Coaching and Consulting.
I still clearly remember the heartache I felt when my six-year-old son told me he felt like his life was breaking apart because his dad and I were constantly mad at him. At the time, we had no idea he had ADHD, and it was several more years before he was diagnosed.
Though we were just in the early days of our journey, we realized that day-to-day life with an ADHD child can present huge challenges for parents. Mostly, this is due to a lack of understanding of how the ADHD brain works, and what kinds of supports a child needs to be successful. In my parent and family coaching practice, I listen to parents describe households in crisis due to conflict and difficult behavior, lack of parenting agreement between spouses, and severely strained relationships between parent and child. Parents are left wondering, “What is wrong with my child? Why am I failing as a parent?” In the most extreme circumstances, parents have even expressed the desire to give up on their children. They feel that broken.
Research has documented that parents of ADHD kids do experience more parenting stress than parents of children without a diagnosis (Theule et al., 2010). In addition, there is evidence of increased marital conflict and increased rates of divorce. (Wymbs et al., 2008). Parents of ADHD children were shown to be two times more likely to divorce before the child turns eight years old.
As I have learned through my work with clients, my son was not unusual; children and teens living with ADHD often feel misunderstood, ashamed, and have low self-esteem due to constant negative feedback and the feeling they can’t meet the expectations of parents and teachers. These kids express considerable emotional concerns such as questioning whether their parents truly love them as much as non-ADHD siblings, whether they will have any future success due to their perceived lack of potential, and some even have moments of wondering if their life is worth living in the most severe cases. The ADHD child can clearly feel broken too.
Research also bears this out. For example, a UK study (2016) looked at the impact of ADHD on the health and well-being of ADHD children and their siblings. Findings demonstrated ADHD was associated with a substantial reduction in quality of life, even in those being treated for their condition. ADHD study participants showed reduced health, lower subjective well-being, less sleep, and an increase in bullying compared to non-ADHD peers. Both ADHD participants and their siblings indicated they were significantly less happy with their family and with life overall. These findings are consistent with previous research.
How do we change this troubling situation?
I believe a key factor in helping parents and children to feel less distraught is the willingness of the parent to dive into a process of personal growth to arrive at full acceptance of the diagnosis and the child. As Jeff Foster says in his book Deep Acceptance (2012), “Suffering is always, always the invitation to deep acceptance.”
Pediatric neuropsychologist, Dr. Rita Eichenstein, believes acceptance is the fifth stage of a grieving process for parents who receive a diagnosis for an atypical child. Dr. Eichenstein’s book, “Not What I Expected: Help and Hope for Parents of Atypical Children”, is aimed at helping parents of children diagnosed with ADHD, autism, learning disabilities, and other developmental differences to better understand and navigate their emotional challenges. She believes parents go through a process of grief over the loss of their ideal child – the one they expected to have, without the diagnosis. She models her explanation of five stages of grief developed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross after the loss of a loved one: These 5 stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance, with each stage involving different reactions to the diagnosis.
Not all parents go through all five stages, some go back and forth through the stages many times, and some get stuck in one stage and can’t move on. For example, a parent can get stuck in denial and not be able to move past this. According to Dr. Eichenstein, if there is a problem with parents “getting on the same page” it is most likely one parent stuck in denial. She says this is extremely common, and usually, the one in denial has less education about the diagnosis.
Why is acceptance so important?
In the state of acceptance parents have truly embraced the child they have, and they have made peace with the life they now are living. This doesn’t mean that life is not exhausting or that it is easy. But acceptance moves the parent (and potentially the whole family) from a place of resisting what is and being able to envision a bright future even with this unexpected diagnosis. As Dr. Eichenstein explains, “It means that suffering and joy can co-exist”. For some parents, they can even see the gifts that the unexpected journey has brought for them or their family. For me, it was the opportunity to become a parent and family ADHD coach, and work towards supporting neurodiverse families.
Acceptance is a process that develops over time. It requires a commitment on the parent’s part to grow and learn, and to maintain an awareness and acknowledgment of their own feelings. A parent’s willingness to gain sufficient knowledge and understanding about ADHD, and a desire to move out of survival mode and find a better way of living are also key factors. Separating out the difference between what their ADHD child “can’t do”, for example, due to lagging skills or brain function, versus what they “won’t do”, more intentional behaviour they have control over, is a critical turning point.
This distinction can open the door for compassion for the child as well as the parent. If it is discovered the child is not willfully refusing to behave in certain ways, but instead, does not have the ability to meet a parent’s expectations, the household energy changes dramatically. The focus then shifts from implementing consequences to supporting a child to develop the necessary skills. As psychologist, Dr. Ross Greene, is well known for stating, “Kids do well if they can”.
Our children are deeply influenced by our response to their neurodiversity. If we deny, ignore, or can’t move out of our anger or depression about this unexpected parenting experience, we are demonstrating to our kids (consciously or unconsciously) that they are not ok, and having ADHD is a disability without hope. In reality, ADHD is considered one of the most treatable psychiatric conditions. We also know that those with ADHD not only have challenges, but their ADHD wiring can actually give them great strengths as well. The task is to uncover them.
The other day I reminded my teenage son that he had forgotten to bring in the garbage cans from the street. He responded with loud exasperation, “I just can’t do anything right!!” I felt stress rising inside me in anticipation of an uncomfortable interaction. But when I turned to look at him, he had a huge grin on his face, “I am totally kidding, Mom!”
He has now actually developed a sense of humour around those earlier, tougher times. It made me think about how far we have come together from those days when he was young and feeling like his world was crumbling, and I felt like mine was too. It was hard to imagine things getting better, but they have – immeasurably. Deeply accepting my son’s ADHD, and his other neurodifferences has given me the freedom and ability to become the parent I want to be. As a family, we have learned that having differences does not have to mean feeling broken. It can be bumpy, but if we are willing to learn and grow, it can be brilliant.
References:
Eichenstein, R. Not What I Expected: Help and Hope for Parents of Atypical Children. Penguin
Group, New York: 2015.
Foster, J. Deepest Acceptance: Radical Awakening in Ordinary Life. Sounds True, Boulder, Colorado: 2012.
Peasgood T, Bhardwaj A, Biggs K, et al. The impact of ADHD on the health and well-being of ADHD children and their siblings. European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. 2016; 25:1217:1231.
Theule, J, Wiener J, Tannock R, Jenkins, JM. Parenting stress in families of children with ADHD: a meta-analysis. Journal of Emotional and Behavioral Disorders. Published online 18 Nov 2010.
Wymbs BT, Pelham Jr. WE, Molina BSG, Gnagy EM, Wilson TK, Greenhouse JB. Rate and
predictors of divorce among parents of youth with ADHD. Journal of Consulting and Clinical
Psychology. 2008 October; 76(5): 735-744.
(I want to preface this article by saying that I am not against traditional medication if that is the right thing for you or your child with ADHD, but for my son, it so far has not been the right thing. This is an article about our experience using natural methods to support my son's ADHD brain).
My son has ADHD. He also has SPD. He is hyper and impulsive. His brain and his body are constantly moving. Emotionally, he is about 2 years behind his peers. When he was first diagnosed in early 2020, he was just over 6 years old, and even our pediatrician hesitated with the diagnosis. Our school had requested that we bring someone along to that pediatrician appointment, and I knew it would mean a discussion of medicating him. I had no doubt that that was what the school wanted. Sure enough, once the diagnosis came, the first thing asked by many was "what medication are you going to put him on?" The thought hadn't even crossed my mind. He was only 6, and I dare say most 6-year-old are impulsive and can't sit still at times. He needed adults who understood his brain difference and could teach him in an out-of-the-box way, not to be on some medication that could possibly worsen his difficulties with sleeping and other ADHD challenges. He tends to get 'hangry' if he hasn't eaten enough and I did not want to imagine what that might look like if he was taking a medication that could result in loss of appetite as a side effect. He also gets grumpy and has a harder time when he hasn't gotten enough sleep. I know my kiddo best, and I didn't want to feel forced to put him on traditional medications when I knew he just needed time. Time to grow into his ADHD, time to learn about how his brain works, to learn coping and calming strategies. Lack of focus wasn't the issue. Neither was intelligence. It was his hyper activeness and impulsivity that was because it meant he wasn't able to sit in a chair at a desk all day. When he wasn't asked to sit all day and was allowed to have movement breaks, he was fine.
When his official diagnosis came, he had already been doing Occupational Therapy (OT) for 6 months. Originally referred to OT for help with written output, the OT soon saw that the reason for the struggles with written output came from a weak core. During their weekly sessions, they worked hard on sensory circuits, core strengthening activities, and writing with larger writing items on big surfaces (like using a whiteboard pen on a whiteboard or writing on a chalkboard at OT. At home he uses bingo dabber). He was calmer at the end of his sessions and was able to sit for 10 minutes and do table work with the OT, so I knew we must be on to something. OT was working and he was loving it, but his hyperactivity and impulsiveness were still high, and so on the advice of a friend of my mom's, I decided to give a Naturopath a call. I thought I would exhaust all my other options before going down the traditional medications route. We got started on a gluten-free diet, probiotics, multivitamins, and omega 3's. By the time we started on the gluten-free diet, it was about a week or so before lockdown, so it was hard to tell at that point if it was helping or not. I stayed the course though, and by the time school resumed for the month of June, I had seen an improvement in his gut health and his behaviour. Sleep remained our #1 issue. Both the quality of it and the quantity. The sleep issues affected the behaviour and stamina in a huge way, and I knew that eventually, we would need to look deeper into it and figure out a solution.
We went through the summer and early fall on the same regime as the spring and didn't add any other supplements until October. On the advice of the naturopath, we decided to add a daily zinc tablet to his regime, as well as vitamin d. The zinc was meant to help with the impulsivity and hyperactivity, and after having him take it for several months, I could tell the days he didn't take it, like weekends. He was way more impulsive. I was a little reluctant to give him melatonin, or any kind of thing to help him sleep, but he was really struggling to get good quality sleep, he was having really big emotions and meltdowns at bedtime, and it was affecting how he was in the day times also. We finally did add two sleep aides, and they have helped him to get both good quality and a good quantity of sleep. I plan to keep my son on this course of treatment for as long as possible. I read that impulsivity in his type of ADHD usually peaks by age 8 and he is already 7 1/2, so I am hopeful that things will continue to improve. Combined with a predictable and consistent schedule & routine, accommodations at school and home to allow his brain to not be on overload, and enough sensory and heavy work activities throughout the day, my son is doing just fine. He completes his work quickly and efficiently; both the work he does at school and the work he is given by his teacher to do at home -- and he can multitask while doing so -- he understands the material and enjoys doing it. I know that we may not be able to stay on this course forever. He is only 7 1/2, so the work isn't super complicated or hard yet. Although he is already better at math than I am! Right now, he is thriving on our current treatment plan, but there may come a day when he wants to give traditional medications a try. I want him to be old enough to understand all that that entails and to be able to make an informed decision for himself before making that decision, but if it's something he wants to do, we can certainly look into it.
This was submitted to #ADHDSpeaks for ADHD Awareness Month. This month’s we’re focusing on ADHD in women and girls as it often goes underrecognized and underdiagnosed. Thanks to Larissa, 17 from BC for their brave and important words!
Hi my name is Larissa,
I was diagnosed with ADHD at the young age of 7 and have been conquering the world ever since.
ADHD is a neurological disorder that effects over a million Canadian adults, and 1 out of 30 school aged children. ADHD tends to run in the family for example a lot of my family has it. I want people to know that mental illness and ADHD are not always visible. It is so important to know that ADHD can effect anyone, no matter age, gender, or race.
Without proper treatment, depending on the severity of ADHD, it can really effect a person’s ability to live a successful and fulfilling life.
I take medication for my ADHD, but not everyone does. Without my medication, I am unable to work, attend school, drive, complete daily tasks, and achieve my goals and dreams.
ADHD also has it’s positives though, as it does not affect a person’s intelligence. In fact it’s proven that we are some of the most creative, adventurous, outgoing, and resilient people.
I want everyone to know that ADHD is something you can’t control, and it’s not your fault. There’s gonna people in your life that won’t like you for your ADHD quirks, flaws, and hyperactivity. My advice, be you! Don’t change for anyone because there’s only one of you in this world. Find People in your life who will love you for who you are. End the stigma, show the world who you truly are.
I had always struggled with my ADHD, and I would say that as an adult with ADHD there are many more difficulties that are often overlooked. I struggle personally with executive dysfunction. The struggle is often with daily tasks that I see others experience seamlessly. I can’t tell you how many times I have forgotten my wallet, phone, or keys.
The things that I find helpful now are lists most definitely. There are other resources I use such as my close friends or a family member that I trust that I can be accountable to. I find that I struggle with accountability as well. I find that when I have someone else being a part of what I am doing that it becomes easier to complete tasks than when I am forced to do it on my own as I know at that point that it won’t get done in time or sometimes at all. Then the guilt sets in! I feel guilty when I don’t complete a task on time or at all and I will think about it most of the time and it will take up a lot of space in my mind until I break down. Honestly, sometimes I wish I was neurotypical as that would at least allow me to complete things on time!
Coming from my mother having difficulty with me in high school as I didn’t acknowledge that I was different. I feel like I fought the rigidity of doing school like everyone else. I was the daydreamer in school, and I still find peace when I zone out as an adult. Though I don’t think there is really anything wrong with zoning out, granted it probably wouldn’t make much sense to do in the middle of a business meeting… I think it helps somewhat reset my brain.
I know that I am very intelligent, I know this. I just really struggle with applying myself. I know what I must do, I just can’t get my body to move or engage myself enough in the task to get it done. I think therefore I enjoy delegating and being a manager because I have loved building a team and building people up rather than being responsible for manufacturing items or writing etc. I love being around people. I love being a leader. I know I am meant to be an entrepreneur.
I think there is definitely a need for the community around ADHD and I think groups are a great way to feel seen and accepted. I think there is something to be said for medication too, although I haven’t investigated this too much over the years as I struggle with stimulants. I think what works for each person varies and trial and error is an important part too. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
If you have ADHD, you’re probably already familiar with the concept of executive dysfunction. While executive dysfunction is not exclusive to ADHD, most people with ADHD struggle with some level of executive dysfunction. Executive functioning allows an individual to control their actions with varying amounts of effort. Executive function is what allows us to overcome procrastination, to create a schedule and stick with it, and maintain interest in a task that may be difficult and not immediately rewarding. On the flip side, executive function also allows us to stop doing an activity that is rewarding (fun) in order to do a task that isn’t.
People with ADHD often struggle with impaired executive function: executive dysfunction. Something I wish the people around me understood is how genuinely difficult completing a seemingly simple task can be. As I write this, I have a month’s worth of schoolwork to catch up on and two exams in four days. I’ve been excited about writing this piece, but I haven’t had the energy to force myself to write until now, the day it is due. In the time that I was supposed to have been doing all of these things, what did I do? I spent an hour making a schedule detailing when I should be writing, studying, or relaxing that I successfully ignored for the entire month of May. I tried to shame myself into completing some schoolwork. I tried to appeal to my reward-hungry brain by thinking about how interesting it would be to write this article, and how disappointed I would be in myself if I didn’t finish it on time. I read thousands of pages of fantasy novels. I tried the Pomodoro method (twenty minutes on, five minutes off). I researched male pattern baldness for several days, even though I have no leg in that race. I just thought it was interesting. I tried studying alone, in the same room as someone else, with music, in silence. Evidently, none of my strategies worked, or this piece of writing would be much better quality and have much more direction than it does. Now, I’m desperately trying to finish this article in the middle of studying for exams, and I’m buzzing with nervous energy that can best be described as a hive of bees swarming in my brain.
When I try to tell my friends without ADHD about this, they say “oh, everyone has issues with procrastination. Everyone has difficulty sticking to a schedule.” This might be true, but I can’t help but think that my case is a little more than procrastination. Most people I know usually don’t have to ask for an extension for almost every paper they turn in. Most people don’t read several fantasy novels in the span of six days instead of their textbooks, at the cost of their sleep, diet, and hygiene. Most people I know are able to prioritize and dedicate a healthy amount of time to the priorities they’ve set. Though I’ve been diagnosed for three years and dutifully take my medication every day, I seem to have made very little progress on this front. Often, when I try to talk about my issues with executive dysfunction, people like to tell me I’m just lazy. I hate that more than anything else, because it devalues all of the effort I put into completing a task. It’s not that I think about studying and decide to blow it off, it’s that I think about studying and the thought of sitting down for an hour and reading notes physically paralyzes me.
Now, to be honest with you, I really don’t have any tips on how to hack executive dysfunction. I can’t say I’ve found one strategy that’s worked for me over a long period of time. What has worked for me, however, is accepting that sometimes my brain won’t do what I want it to do. Forgiving myself for missed opportunities. Congratulating myself for turning in a paper that is a day late, even if I get a 5% deduction, because I finished the paper and that’s worth something! Shaming myself into working has never been effective, it only makes me want to avoid doing the work more. If you struggle with executive dysfunction it can be very hard to acknowledge your own hard work, because often the amount you put out doesn’t seem to align with the effort you put in. Working your hardest every day is exhausting! It’s okay to take a break, and it’s okay to be less productive than your neurotypical peers. Sometimes you just need to sit down and play video games for 8 hours straight.
