Shaming has been the name of the game for kids with ADHD for a long time. I expect it became a problem at about the time mankind stopped living in the world and started trying to control it instead.
There was no need for children to behave like little adults until we started making them sit still for long periods of time at dining room tables, in church pews and in classrooms. At that point, the shaming of the neurodivergent began in earnest. This cartoon from the 1800’s typifies the treatment that ADHDers have been subjected to over the past few centuries.
Fidgety Phil
“Let me see if Phillip can Be a little gentleman; Let me see if he is able
To sit still for once at the table.” Thus, Papa bade Phil behave; And Mama looked very grave. But Fidgety Phil,
He won’t sit still; He wriggles, And giggles,
And then, I declare,
Swings backwards and forwards, And tilts up his chair,
Just like any rocking horse—“Philip! I am getting cross!” See the naughty, restless child
Growing still more rude and wild, Till his chair falls over quite.
~ by Heinrich Hoffman, 1809–1894
“Fidgety Phil” is thus labelled naughty, rude and wild. His behaviours, caused by the neurodivergence of which Phil has neither control nor understanding, become his personal flaws and deficiencies. The adults Phil interacts with continually remind, ridicule and punish him for his (perceived to be intentional) shortcomings and, before long, Phil will internalize these characteristics, believing himself to be all of the reprehensible things these responsible adults have told him he is. His guilt, shame and self-limiting beliefs will follow him throughout his life, becoming self-fulfilling prophecies. How much better are we doing now?
Following are comments found on a typical report card received by an extremely bright six-year-old boy with undiagnosed ADHD, either mixed or hyperactive type. Let’s call this little guy Phil!
The comments related to Phil’s abilities in reading, writing and arithmetic make him sound like the kind of kid who’ll be his high school valedictorian one day. In fact, Phil’s IQ is in the 150-160 range.
Unfortunately, all of the comments directed towards Phil’s behaviour foretell of a child whose academic accomplishments are likely to erode year after year to the point where graduating from high school at all will be a challenge. That is, in fact, Phil’s story.
Phil and children like him are chastised, report card after report card, year after year, for actions and behaviours over which they have no control. Over and over again they are told that they are not enough, that they:
Their teachers believe these things to be true. They also apparently believe that repeatedly telling kids like Phil that they:
Phil and others like him, both boys and girls, are punished further when they fail to correct their “bad behaviour” despite all of the painful judgements being directed at them about their character faults. This can take the form of detentions, extra homework, missing out on field trips, being kept inside during recess, having to clean the blackboards, having to sit at the front of the class or in a corner by themselves, all the way up to expulsion, which only adds to the trauma to which these kids are already being subjected. Not to mention the punishments,which may include physical punishments, they receive at home for all of their perceived failures at both home and school.
Take another look at Phil’s report card. His behavioural “problems” (Phil clearly exhibits some of the most common symptoms of ADHD) were mentioned some 20 times over the three paragraphs, appearing in two out of three lines on average.
Kids like Phil don’t just experience this level of trauma and public humiliation at report card time; they are subjected to it daily. They are told that they are “less than” multiple times most days over many, many years. Some experts estimate that, on average, by age 10, children with ADHD will have received a full 20,000 more negative messages about themselves than their neurotypical friends. The result is that many spend their lives believing themselves to be fundamentally and hopelessly flawed.
No amount of being belittled, chastised, singled out, punished, or even growing up, will transform a neurodivergent brain into a neurotypical one. Kids like Phil suffer ongoing trauma throughout their childhood when they should be being given the tools, therapies accommodations, and medications that would allow them to become the students everyone, including they themselves, want them to be.
Instead, unrelenting chastisement, ridicule and punishment means that many receive the gift of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) to go along with their ADHD. And having internalized these negative beliefs about themselves and what they are and are not capable of, they put self-limiting restraints on who they might otherwise have become.
Although Phil and others like him are likely to achieve much less in their lives and will have a much harder time negotiating their lives than what might have otherwise been the case, the Phils of this world often make it through life more or less in one piece.
Those with lower IQs tend not to fare as well. Research shows that an extraordinarily high percentage of people with ADHD become high school drop outs and/or teenaged parents, regularly lose their jobs, are often under employed, become substance abusers, have difficulty with relationships and money, spend time in prison, and the list goes on and on. They live difficult lives which either end violently or by suicide at equally alarming rates.
Is it any wonder that the life expectancy of people with ADHD is between 6 and 10 years less than that of a neurotypical person? With their self-worth dying by the infliction of thousands and thousands of tiny cuts daily, beginning far too soon in their young lives, how could it be otherwise? Surely, we can do better.
Many parents find themselves redefining what “home” means as their family changes and adult children start to fly the nest. When your family includes neurodivergent members—and when you’re working through decades of collected stuff—moving becomes its own unique adventure. If you’re thinking about downsizing or trying to declutter with ADHD loved ones, I hope our story makes you feel seen, understood, and maybe even gives you a little laugh amidst the chaos.
The Decision to Downsize
Our family includes two young adults, both with ADHD, who are now living in different cities and countries, each chasing their own dreams. My husband, also neurodivergent, was on a sabbatical, stepping away from his corporate role to embrace a very different, hands-on lifestyle. With the kids grown and this new chapter unfolding, it felt like the right time to start fresh and downsize.
Moving from a sprawling 3,000-square-foot house to a cozy 1,200-square-foot apartment sounded exciting on paper but was absolutely terrifying in reality. I knew that downsizing in midlife would be emotional, but I hadn’t fully anticipated how much our diverse neurological wiring— mine, my husband’s, and our kids’—would shape the entire experience.
Letting My Partner Take the Lead (Sort Of)
Since my husband was on a career break, he volunteered to plan and coordinate the move. I’ll admit I was skeptical. After 30+ years together, I know how many hobbies, gadgets, and collections he accumulates. He has ADHD and a not-so-secret love for stuff. Organization has never been his strong suit, especially when paired with his signature tendency to leave things to the last minute. But I decided to trust him and let go. I kept reminding myself of the lessons I’ve learned about appreciating different strengths in relationships and letting partners run their own process. He promised he’d get it done; I promised to trust him.
Reality Strikes: The Slow-Motion Five-Month Move
Five months passed. Progress was… minimal. Every time I expressed worry about our timeline, I was met with defensiveness, explanations, and a list of micro-achievements (“But look, I sorted the screws!”). Meanwhile, the to-donate pile barely shrank, and our moving deadline got closer and closer. Panic? Yes, mine was rising.
Our two children were home for the summer, each attached to their childhood treasures—games, photos, instruments, and bins upon bins of stuff. They sorted, slowly, though more often delayed by friends and the summer break. Sometimes it felt like I was living in a different reality from the rest of the family. Everyone else seemed unfazed.
“We’re Almost Done”—But Are We Really?
The closer the moving day, the more I started doubting my own expectations. Was I being too controlling? Was my “importance-focused” approach the only right way to handle this? When my family said, “We’re almost done,” was I missing something?
Like many ADHD families, I knew stress could spark bursts of energy… just rarely on my preferred schedule. My husband thrives on chaos and stress tolerance—qualities that sometimes make me want to scream.
The classic ADHD features—time blindness, poor time estimation, and the strong “I’ll do it myself” streak—were front and center. No matter how much I tried to step in, the answer was always the same: “It will get done.”
The Inevitable Last-Minute Race
Moving day showed up. Was everything packed? No. Were things sorted, donated, and labelled? Not quite. But somehow, through humour, creative problem-solving, and my husband’s legendary charm (which bought us an extension with the new owners), it all came together.
The boxes got stacked. Memories got sorted. Things still linger in storage, waiting for the “future us” to deal with them. Did it unfold the way I wanted? Absolutely not. But it worked—because creativity is our family’s superpower.
A moment for Reflection:
A New Chapter Begins
We’re settling into our smaller space. Some belongings will get sorted… eventually. What we’ve gained, though, is far more valuable: a reminder that brains, lives, and families don’t always roll neatly, but with enough love and adaptability, they’re always enough.
If you’re going through big changes with your neurodivergent family, know that your frustrations and laughter are both valid. Your path won’t look like anyone else’s—but it will be uniquely yours.
Here’s to embracing new beginnings, imperfect transitions, and the art of letting go, both of things and expectations!
I was diagnosed with ADHD a few months before going back to work after my second maternity leave. At the time, my daughters were just three years old and ten months.
When I got the diagnosis, it felt like everything suddenly clicked into place. All the things I’d quietly struggled with for years weren’t just personal failings; they were ADHD. And I wasn’t broken. I just didn’t know how my brain actually worked.
But more than relief, the diagnosis gave me clarity of purpose: If either of my daughters ever feels like I did, I want them to have tools, support, and self-understanding early - not years of internal shame.
Not long after my diagnosis, my mom dropped off a binder full of old report cards. I sat on the floor flipping through them. With ADHD in mind, they read completely differently.
“Audrey would have received an A if she had only handed in the project.”
“Audrey is easily distracted by her friends and needs to stay on task.”
“Audrey is a confident speaker and passionate about topics that interest her, but struggles when it comes to tests”
I remember loving school - especially plays, speeches, and anything creative. But I also remember the pit in my stomach before tests. The last-minute scrambles. The mental exhaustion from trying to keep up. I wasn’t lazy or careless. I just didn’t know what I needed, and neither did anyone else.
Getting diagnosed with ADHD as a parent is... a lot. You’re managing meltdowns and making lunches while also trying to unlearn decades of shame and figure out new ways to function.
I’m still in it. I’m still learning. But I’ve already made some changes that I hope add up to something my girls will carry with them. Even if they don’t have ADHD, I want them to grow up in a house where it's safe to be who they are, and where struggling doesn’t mean you're failing.
We talk about how everyone’s brain works a little differently, and that’s okay. Some people need more quiet, more breaks, or more reminders. Some people need to move, or rest, or pause and come back. I say things like, “My brain feels scrambled,” or “I’m feeling overstimulated and need a few quiet minutes.” And together, we are reading books like In My Heart by Jo Witek to help name our emotions from the day.
I try to normalize it all - not in a performative way, just as part of how we move through the day. I want my girls to grow up believing that having needs isn’t bad or something to apologize for; it’s just human.
I’ve tried so many of the “perfect routines” people post online, but they just don’t work for my brain - so I’ve stopped forcing it.
Now, it’s about reducing friction wherever I can:
Little things that make life smoother are a big win for me.
I forget things. I overcommit. I sometimes hit my limit and realize it too late. But I’m learning to ask for help and reset without guilt.
Sometimes that means tagging my husband in on a task I thought I could handle. Sometimes it means canceling a playdate. Sometimes it’s pizza for dinner…again. And I’m working on not apologizing for those choices.
What I want my girls to remember is this:
You can be capable and still need support.
You can be loving and still need rest.
You can be strong and still ask for help.
If either of my daughters ever struggles to focus, forgets something important, or feels like they’re falling behind, I don’t want them to jump straight to shame. I want them to feel seen and supported. I want them to know their worth doesn’t depend on performance, and that struggling isn’t the same as failing.
I’m doing this so they never have to wonder if they’re too much or not enough. So they grow up seeing what it looks like to understand yourself and meet that understanding with compassion.
If you’re figuring this out while raising kids, I see you. It’s a lot. But the work you’re doing - getting to know yourself, changing your inner voice, showing up differently…it matters.
Every time you pause, reframe, speak up, or give yourself grace, you’re planting something your kids will grow up standing on.
I was raised Catholic, in a small town where conformity was currency and silence often felt safer than truth. Like many queer kids, I learned how to hide early. I became good at shape-shifting—adjusting my tone, posture, even my dreams—just to feel a little less different.
I was also adopted. And while I was lucky to grow up in a loving home, there was always this quiet, lingering question beneath the surface: Where do I truly belong? That question followed me into adulthood. I tried to answer it with achievement, with approval, with striving. None of it worked for long.
When I came out in my 30s—to myself, and then to the world—it was a moment of truth and tremble. Some people wrapped me in warmth. Others vanished without a word. In the 18 months that followed, I lost over 60% of my clients. But strangely, I felt lighter. For the first time, I wasn’t hiding anymore.
I live with ADHD. That means I experience the world differently—intensely, unpredictably, often beautifully. My brain connects dots others don’t. It pushes me to dream big, move quickly, feel deeply. But it’s also brought exhaustion, anxiety, and more than a few internal battles. The same mind that fuels creativity can also spiral into self-doubt.
I’ve had big wins. I’ve helped raise millions for causes I believe in. I’ve worked with global leaders. But none of those moments were mine alone. I’ve been supported every step of the way—by mentors who believed in me, teammates who showed up, and friends who reminded me to breathe. I’ve also had my fair share of big failures. Some of them quiet. Some loud. All of them humbling.
And through it all, I’ve learned: what matters most isn’t whether you’re on a mountain or in a valley. It’s what you take with you when you leave. Every success and every struggle is a teacher, if you let it be.
For years, I wore success like armor. I pushed through pain. Smiled when I was falling apart. I told people I was “fine” while quietly crumbling. I thought if I just achieved enough, I’d finally feel worthy. But chasing worthiness is a losing game.
The real shift began slowly. In therapy. In conversations with people who didn’t ask me to shrink. In the soft spaces of community. That’s when I stopped trying to “fix” myself and started learning how to live—really live—with all of who I am.
Yes, I’m queer.
Yes, I’m neurodivergent.
Yes, I’ve struggled—with both unexpected physical and mental health, with shame, with feeling like I didn’t belong.
Yes, I’m adopted.
And yes—I’m still here. Still curious. Still trying. Still grateful.
I don’t have all the answers. But I do know this:
You are not broken.
You are not too much.
You are not behind.
You are allowed to rest. To be loved. To be seen. To take up space.
Unleash your authentic, creative, playful, multipassionate self.
"Let joy be your gps" - Robin Sharma
You deserve to go where people’s eyes light up when they see you coming. You deserve to feel safe in your own skin. You deserve to dream—boldly, messily, beautifully—and know that your dreams matter.
And if no one’s told you this lately: You are worthy of the life you imagine. Even now. Especially now.
So whether you’re on your way up or finding your footing again, trust that both places can be sacred. Learn the right lessons from both. And when in doubt, remember: your story isn’t over.
I’m not done writing mine.
And maybe, just maybe, your next chapter is the one that changes everything.
Listen to your intuition. Trust your instinct. Follow Your Heart. Let your rainbow shine.
Thrive forward.
Friendship and community are important to everyone, but may be of crucial importance to those who have felt isolated or excluded, a common experience for people with ADHD. In research, ADHD in children and adolescents has been related to a host of social challenges, with higher bullying victimization rates, more peer rejection, and higher conflict relationships. In adulthood, many individuals with ADHD have difficulty maintaining friendships and experience challenges with romantic relationships. Taken together, this paints a grim picture, suggesting that if you have ADHD, you cannot have fulfilling relationships. As someone with ADHD and a researcher in this field, I rarely see literature on how ADHD can contribute to meaningful, uplifting friendships. However, I believe that although ADHD can present challenges to your social life sometimes, it can also make you a caring and empathetic friend and partner, especially when you find the right people.
My experiences
As a child, I definitely experienced these social challenges, always feeling out of sync with my peers. At that time, I had no idea why I felt different from a lot of my peers and struggled to connect with them. As I got older, I learned to mask who I was to try and fit in a bit more. Without really thinking, I studied how other people acted and mimicked that. Sometimes I would slip up by getting too excited about something, interrupting others, or being too loud. For me, each stage of education got a little better socially, however, everything really changed for the better when I got to university.
When I got to university, I had an opportunity to reinvent myself now that I was being exposed to new people. I no longer had to hide my love for learning like I did as a teen. I quickly became friends with people in my classes, with whom I shared many interests outside of school. In my first year, my uncle who I was very close with passed after a long battle with cancer and it was a defining moment in many of my friendships. My new friends were at my side, comforting me, giving me notes I missed, and helping me catch up on assignments. My high school friends were less than helpful, and I decided to start to put some distance between us. I had believed that I wouldn’t find better friends, but this experience helped me to believe that I deserved more.
My new friends were largely neurodivergent with some being diagnosed and undiagnosed, maybe not surprising for an undergrad neuroscience program. For the first time, I really feel like I fit in and had found my community. My “weird quirks” were just a part of me and not judged. My best friend in my program was my study buddy as we shared the same requirements before exams and often stuck together. Our routine for exams was to stop
studying at least 2 hours before, eat a good amount of food, and chat in a relaxed environment. Years later, I found out that he was diagnosed with autism when he was younger. Later in grad school, I bonded with friends over info-dumping and body doubling (work on a task next to someone to help with focus and accountability).
I reconnected with a friend from high school, and she remarked how much more confident and happier I seemed to be after undergrad. I was much more self-assured and worried a lot less about what people thought of me. I finally was able to be myself around people who cared about me.
Now in my late 20s, I see many of my closest friends are neurodivergent. We support each other through humor and shared understanding—joking about ADHD-related lateness or lost keys while also offering real support when needed. These friendships have been invaluable, not despite our differences, but often because of them.
Importance of a neurodivergent community
I have often been described as friendly and outgoing, so I have found making friends to be pretty easy, but maintaining friendships was another story. I had a hard time remembering to make plans, keeping up with constant communication, and disliked exchanging pleasantries when I just wanted to launch into a conversation. With my neurodivergent friends, I have found that our communication styles align, and even if we don’t see each other for a while, it is like no time has passed when we do reconnect. I don’t feel the same need to overexplain myself, because they just understand.
In an interview study I conducted, many people remarked how they believe that having ADHD has made them more empathetic and understanding of other people. When someone was having a bad day and took it out on them, they viewed it more as that person needing support than taking it personally. Others mentioned that they were curious and had a wide range of interests, which helped them have conversations with many different people. Unfortunately, everyone reported experiencing stigma.
Overall, having a neurodivergent community can be beneficial for people with ADHD, whether it is a group of in-person friends or an online community. Often the expectation is put on people with ADHD to change themselves to be better liked. Improving self- and emotional-regulation abilities can be beneficial, but the burden of adapting shouldn’t fall solely on neurodivergent people. Additionally, neurotypical people should be educated to be less judgmental and more accepting of neurodiverse individuals. There are countless things that neurotypical people do that can be irritating or rude to neurodivergent people, yet our society expects neurodivergent people to put up with it. One of the biggest beauties
of life is how everyone is a little bit different, and I think that understanding that and having an accepting community can do wonders for everyone.
The ADHD brain is one of great extremes—referred to as both a curse and a superpower. One minute, you can't focus on anything; the next, you're locked into hyperfocus and can't break away. You feel unmotivated and uninterested—until something ignites your curiosity and you're consumed by it. It's the child who struggles in school, but grows into the entrepreneur who changes an industry. The adult who gets overwhelmed at the grocery store, but envisions connections no one else can see. It's a brain built for bursts of brilliance—but it's constantly coming up short in a world that celebrates consistency and linear thinking.
The dual nature of ADHD has long divided our community, sparking debate among researchers, clinicians, and lived-experience voices alike. For some—like the well-known Dr. Russell Barkley—ADHD is a neurological disorder with serious, chronic impairments that are deeply disabling. According to him, calling it a superpower risks undermining decades of advocacy aimed at securing accommodations and recognition. And honestly? On the days I find myself lying on the floor having my third meltdown of the week (deeply short on sleep because my dopamine hungry brain had me scrolling on my phone until 2 AM), acknowledging that I have a disability brings a sense of relief. It helps me understand that my struggles are valid and not simply a result of personal inadequacy.
But I also have days when I admire this brain. Her curiosity. Her rebellious spirit. Her refusal to grind for things that don’t matter. For all the times I’ve been late, for all the emails I’ve missed, I sometimes catch my own unimpressed reflection and wonder: maybe my sense of time isn’t broken. Maybe that immersive daydream—the one I reluctantly tore myself away from—mattered more than the scheduled teeth cleaning. Somewhere underneath all the hard days—all the ones where I feel incompetent and frustrated by my nonlinear mind—I can’t shake the feeling that this chaos is leading somewhere meaningful. That this brain might help the world in ways I don’t yet fully understand.
It’s in these moments that I understand where the other side is coming from. I feel a quiet frustration rise—not just at my own struggle, but at the world around me. A world so focused on diagnosis, so invested in defining one kind of brain as the gold standard. A society that prizes linear thinking, predictability, and productivity—and teaches us, often subtly, to measure ourselves against those ideals. We try to fit the mold. We put in more effort. But ironically, the harder we work to become what the world expects, the further we drift from our own strengths—and the less able we feel.
While the debate surrounding ADHD's nature – whether it's a disorder or the result of an evolutionary mismatch – is captivating and often stirs emotions, it's not the debate I’m interested in today (for the record, my official stance is that each ADHDer should use the language they find most empowering – and yes, that is allowed to change from moment to moment while we wait for scientific consensus).
Whether you embrace the term 'disability' or find comfort in the ideals of neurodiversity, an ADHD diagnosis allows us to attribute our difficulties to something beyond our individual shortcomings. And for those of us diagnosed as adults, this is the first step in healing what I call the ‘ADHD Shadow’ – the painful internal narrative that forms before diagnosis—when years of struggle are misattributed to personal failings rather than neurobiological differences.
In my own blog, The ADHD Awakening, I’ve explored how the stories we carry about ourselves don’t just explain our present reality—they shape it. That’s why changing those stories isn’t just helpful—it’s mission-critical. If we don’t, we risk staying stuck, living out a future written by our past.
But foundational to changing that inner narrative is something even more overlooked: changing the expectations we hold for ourselves.
In my experience—and in so many others’—this part often gets missed. We get a diagnosis, maybe try a medication or two, and then carry on with life, now with a label. But the pressure to function like everyone else? That stays. And when we inevitably fall short, we tend to meet ourselves with the same old message:
Whether you see your ADHD as a disability or a difference, the reality is this: you are living in a world that places expectations on you that don’t match your capacity to meet them. That mismatch? That’s called ableism. And after decades of living inside that system, we start to internalize its messages—absorbing those expectations and mistaking them for our own. That’s called internalized ableism — the process of taking society’s biases and turning them inward, often without even realizing it. It’s the shame-filled voice that whispers, “I should be able to do this.”
So the next time you hear yourself say the word “should,” I want you to pause—and choose the metaphor that speaks to you most.
Picture an orchid that looks like it’s dying a little. (Don’t worry—this ends well.)
Drooping leaves, stunted blooms, a stem that looks like it’s giving up. But here’s the thing about orchids: they aren’t like other plants. They need specific conditions to thrive—indirect light, just the right humidity, and a careful balance of space and care.
They may seem finicky, but when those needs are met? They’ll outlast and outshine every plant in the room.
If it wasn’t clear: you are the orchid. And can we all agree that the solution isn’t for the orchid to try harder?
Would you expect someone with less than 20/20 vision to try harder to see? Of course not—you’d hand them glasses.
ADHD is no different. It might be invisible, but its impact is real—on focus, memory, energy, and emotion. Clinicians and governments recognize it as a disability for a reason.
If that’s the lens that helps you understand your experience, you deserve support. You’re not asking for special treatment. You’re asking for tools that fit your brain
And for the love of all that is good, please—stop trying harder!
Laura Hudson is a writer, ADHD educator, and advocate with both lived experience and professional expertise in adult ADHD. She specializes in supporting individuals diagnosed later in life—helping them untangle internalized shame, understand their unique neurobiology, and build ADHD-friendly systems for thriving. Laura is also passionate about working with individuals who struggle with Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviours (BFRBs), such as hair-pulling, skin-picking, and nail-biting.
She is currently training as an ADHD coach and is the creator of The ADHD Awakening, a blog dedicated to demystifying ADHD, challenging pathologizing narratives, and equipping readers with practical, evidence-based strategies for self-understanding and growth.
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is more than just a medical diagnosis; it's a lived experience that affects millions of people worldwide. Yet, despite its prevalence, misconceptions and social stigma often overshadow the reality of those living with it. By delving into the sociological aspects of labeling and social myths, we can better understand the struggles individuals with ADHD face and explore ways to support them in thriving.
Unpacking ADHD Through a Sociological Lens
ADHD is commonly associated with inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. However, these
symptoms manifest differently from person to person, leading to misjudgements and misdiagnoses.
From a sociological perspective, the labels and myths attached to ADHD can significantly impact an individual's self-esteem and social standing. Research shows that being labeled as “hyperactive” or a “troublemaker” often leads to negative perceptions from teachers, peers, and employers (Metzger & Hamilton, 2020). These stereotypes can create a cycle of marginalization, making it harder for individuals to access support and achieve their potential.
The Emotional and Social Toll
Imagine constantly being told you're not trying hard enough or that your struggles are due to
laziness. For individuals with ADHD, these misconceptions are all too common. The emotional toll of feeling misunderstood can lead to anxiety, depression, and feelings of inadequacy. Studies indicate that people with ADHD often adopt maladaptive coping strategies, such as avoidance, which can further exacerbate stress and impair daily functioning (Koehler et al., 2021).
However, positive coping strategies, like seeking social support and breaking tasks into manageable steps, have been shown to improve outcomes.
Shifting the Narrative
Breaking the stigma around ADHD requires education and empathy. By promoting awareness of the neurological basis of the condition, we can challenge harmful myths and foster more inclusive environments. For instance, creating supportive learning spaces and flexible work environments allows individuals with ADHD to leverage their creativity and problem-solving abilities. Moreover, building strong support networks with family, friends, and mental health professionals can empower individuals to advocate for their needs and thrive.
Practical Strategies for Coping and Thriving
Conclusion
ADHD is not a one-size-fits-all condition. By recognizing the profound impact of social labeling and myths, we can better support individuals in managing their symptoms and reaching their full potential. Through empathy, education, and practical support, we can create a more inclusive and understanding society where individuals with ADHD are not defined by their diagnosis but celebrated for their unique strengths.
References
Gormley, M. J., & Lopez, F. G. (2020). Coping strategies among adults with ADHD: The mediational role of attachment patterns. Journal of Attention Disorders, 24(5), 693–703.https://doi.org/10.1177/1087054718770012Koehler, C., Schredl, M., & Vetter, V. R. (2021).
The role of stress coping strategies for life impairments in ADHD. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 12, 679832. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.679832Metzger, I., & Hamilton, L. (2020).
The stigma of ADHD: Teacher ratings of labeled students.Sociological Perspectives, 63(4), 609–627. https://doi.org/10.1177/0731121420937739
You may be wondering how I went from being an ADHD parent to also being an ADHD advocate.
The first two decades of my career taught me that I could not be an advocate for anyone, on any matter, if I did not first understand and fully appreciate the interconnectedness of trauma, shame and systemic failure.
Consider Bessel Van Der Kolk, The Body Keeps The Score, “…four fundamental truths: (1) our capacity to destroy one another is matched by our capacity to heal one another. Restoring relationships and community is central to restoring well-being; (2) language gives us the power to change ourselves and others by communicating our experiences, helping us to define what we know, and finding a common sense of meaning; (3) we have the ability to regulate our own physiology, including some of the so-called involuntary functions of the body and brain, through such basic activities as breathing, moving, and touching; and (4) we can change social conditions to create environments in which children and adults can feel safe and where they can thrive (2015, 38).
With the above in mind, imagine the trauma inflicted on parents when professionals and institutions blame them for their child’s reactions. This blame denies the safety required for vulnerable communication. The parents will feel powerless and helpless as they are held solely responsible for what they cannot control and do not fully understand. They are denied the support they so desperately need. They fight, flee, or freeze.
I am one of these parents. I came to the school asking to be part of their community, seeking their help. They abandoned me.
Now, consider the trauma inflicted on a child when the adults in their life blame them for the dysregulation they cannot control. The child has no choice but to assume they are the problem. They fall victim to an environment they have no control over. They feel powerless and helpless. They fight, flee, or freeze.
So where to we go from here?
I have learned that advocacy is one of the tools that can help to dismantle discrimination, stigmatization, ignorance and the misuse of power and authority. Making my ADHD advocacy public denies the opportunity for our experience to be weaponized against us and instead allows us to focus on healing.
Before our personal details are revealed, I want to tell you more about the person behind these words.
I am 49 as I write this. I live in Peterborough, Ontario, but I was born and raised in Hamilton. We moved to Peterborough when our oldest was five years old and our twins were three and a half. I never thought I would live here, and I had never spent any time here. Funny how quickly everything can change. My husband was going to be transferred, and Peterborough was one of the options. We drove up one afternoon, spent the night, puttered about the city, and said, “Yeah, OK, we can make this work.” Within three months, we bought a new house, sold our old house, and moved to Peterborough. This was a huge transition. I did not know a single person living here. None of us did. It worked out.
Prior to moving to Peterborough, I had been working as a social worker for many years. At different points in time I worked within the Hamilton emergency shelter system, child welfare, and inpatient psychiatry.
Since living in Peterborough, I have gained additional experience. I worked in community mental health, hospital settings, home care, and hospice. I also returned to school and earned my MSW. It took me four years to accomplish this, taking one course at a time. I am very proud of this achievement. As soon as I earned my MSW, I opened up my private practice, which is what I do now.
Needless to say, I have more than two decades of experience working as a social worker. Most of this experience occurred within our government systems, as a case manager, advocate, program manager, and therapist. I love what I do and feel very honoured and committed to continuing. I also want to share that I chose to do my MSW at Dalhousie University for its focus on social justice.
Are you starting to understand why my personal life and professional life started to merge?
I did not seek or plan to be an ADHD advocate; it was inevitable.
I know how to be a social worker, an advocate, and an activist. It is wild to say, but I have more experience in years as a social worker than I do as a parent. Despite this, I was not prepared for the resistance I encountered from the school system. Nor did I expect it to get so personal.
I have never confronted a system so desperate to remain the same despite advances in research, knowledge, and best practices. I have never faced an essential service that impacted the lives of so many people, that held so much power, with little to no accountability. I don’t know about you, but I know of no examples of positive outcomes born from those who hold incredible power and influence without accountability. I know of many instances where these factors have been causal to atrocities.
We need to worry about this.
It is no wonder that students, their families, and the professionals working within this system are not well. Moral injury and trauma are being inflicted without consequence, question, or a genuine effort or desire for it to be different. Narratives are being manipulated and dominated by the same well-funded voices. The government blames the boards, the teachers, and the unions. The teachers blame the government, boards, and parents. The unions blame the government and promote the victimhood of teachers. Research and news articles mostly focus on poor student behaviour. Few articles are printed or trend when they talk about the experience of students and families. We would much rather view teachers as the Mary Poppins-like figures of our communities, the governments as never doing enough, and the students through the lens of “there’s something wrong with kids today.”
Too many adults blame children and youth with little to no critical thought of their role in shaping these kids. While attempting to collaborate with the adult professionals working within the schools, I noticed that most of them did not have the regulatory skills they expected the kids to have.
Witnessing the trauma inflicted on our ADHD youth strengthened the ADHD advocate in me.
“You’re lazy,” “try harder,” “focus,” “sit still,” “you need to see a doctor,” “you will amount to nothing,” “let’s see who gets further in life,” “you have no friends,” “no one likes you,” “you’re going to live in your parents’ basement,” “live off your dad’s money.”
That is but a small sample of what my kids, primarily my daughter, heard day in and day out from the adult professionals who were supposed to be teaching them, mentoring them, and modelling the skills they were expected to develop.
I can prove it, too. I have receipts.
Your ADHD Advocate,
Lynn
In 2024, I had entered what I believe to be the “eye of the storm” of the Great Reckoning of my late adult ADHD diagnosis.
For those of you who are horoscope buffs, last year was pivotal for the cardinal signs. Astrologists predicted “profound spiritual growth and self-discovery”.
These predictions of change came to fruition, yet, how this shift happened and what unexpected events unfolded can be described as a metaphorical geomagnetic storm which caused mass destruction of my sense of self, stability and identity.
I literally felt as if my world exploded. I received the shift I had been longing for … but not in the way I thought things “should” have happened.
During this Trial By Fire, I was fortunate to have a trusted professional ally teach me about Mindfulness, which is quite different then Meditation. Before exploring Mindfulness, I would strongly suggest working with a trained professional; please note this is my personal experience I am sharing, and by no means medical advice.
I’ve heard the phrase “be mindful” and I initially connected it to attention to detail, being on time, and politeness, but until last year, I didn’t realize it meant so much more.
Being Mindful has to do with awareness in your body and mind – it is noticing sensations and thoughts. As those of us with ADHD can attest, when your mind is going a mile a minute, slowing down to notice seems impossible.
I gave Mindfulness a try; I would take walks alone, and practiced “noticing”:
I heard birds, singing softly.
I felt the warm sun on my face.
I smelled freshly cut grass.
So far so good.
From there, I would begin to notice sensations in my body:
My jaw is clenched.
My cheeks are sore.
My foot is really sore.
My shoulders are tight.
My hand is trembling.
Not so good…
The most profound part of this experience was noticing the sound-track of negative thoughts, playing through my mind.
These negative thoughts became very noticeable.
Imagine your worst critic reciting a laundry list of everything you didn’t do in your life, with feelings of guilt and shame attached.
“You Should have kids, everyone else does.”
(sidebar, I have fertility issues)
“You Should have more money saved”
“You Should have known better”
“You Should learn to stop talking so much – you’re exposing yourself”
“You Should be a better daughter, wife, friend, human being”
Suddenly, this Mindfulness practice went dark, real quick.
Although it was a painful at the start, this practice helped and is continuing to help me uncover important insights about myself. The most profound one was that deep down in my core, I felt ashamed of myself, because I still hold onto comparisons, past mistakes, and internalized old (irrelevant) conversations I heard about other women, and made them about me, because of who had said them and the significance they held in my life.
For example, I still remember the person I respected and looked up to the most in my life making comments about “Ms. So-and-So” someone she did not like, back in 1997.
“Ms. So-and-So” had a messy house, and therefore was called Lazy (Lazy is a word that is very triggering, as I’m sure some of you will agree).
Fast forward to 2024: my chores around the house fell to the side, because of the anxiety and stress I was experiencing. Through Mindfulness, I uncovered that subconsciously, I was ashamed of myself because, like “Ms. So-and-So”, my house was messy, and because I was messy, I was lazy.
Then, the rumination shame spiral would begin:
“If my house is messy, and I am not working at this time, I will be labeled lazy.”
“If I’m lazy, people will not like me”
“If people don’t like me, they will speak badly of me to others”
“Everyone will know I’m messy and lazy, therefore, I will DIE ALONE” ….
Make. This. Stop.
During my healing journey, I learned to challenge these self-defeating, unproductive and negative thoughts.
Ultimately, I was rejecting myself and letting the opinions of others (which may or may not be real, and perhaps could have even changed since 1997) keep me stuck in the past, and guide my ship, which was not cool.
I challenged the “messy/lazy/dying alone” stuck point; and uncovered evidence that dismantled this negative belief:
I have arthritis in my foot, making it harder to be mobile (and vacuum the house), and I’m still doing my best despite this.
I am under extreme stress, and there is evidence to show this will affect someone’s home care routine.
My house is in a state of flux now, but it was not always this way.
I will get better, this will change.
I can ask for help.
You have a lot on your plate and are still getting things done, independently.
Having a spotless kitchen does not guarantee a life without hardship, and doesn’t prevent dying alone.
All this evidence suggests I’m not lazy. Just struggling.
In 2025, I am making a commitment to challenge the word “should” when it comes in a thought that has guilt and shame attached to it. A tidy home is great, but do you know what’s even better? A tidy mind, free of toxic shame and the unimportant and oppressive opinions of others I was holding a yardstick to, so I can assess my self-worth.
Your friend,
Dee
I have worked in American higher education for twenty years and counting. For the first eleven years, I was an Academic Success Coach for “nontraditional” students (those who don’t follow the “traditional” path of completing a four-year college degree program immediately after finishing high school “on time”). My specialization was coaching nontraditional students on academic probation.
I found that most of these students cared very much about their education. They often appeared to exert at least as much effort as their more successful counterparts, if not more. But too many had also come to believe (to varying extents) that they must not be cut out for college, and being directed to services like mine was their confirmation. Others uncomfortably confessed that they always thought “special” resources (like tutoring, coaching, and academic accommodations) were for other people - whoever they were. And there was always someone who masked frustration or embarrassment with defensiveness, even declaring coaching services to be infantilizing and unnecessary.
In an attempt to ease students’ fear of judgment and failure, I would sometimes divulge that I became an academic coach because of the constant academic struggles and related frustrations I experienced in my own formal education. While it seemed many of my colleagues were in the work because of their strong academic history, I was there because I knew what it felt like to barely make it. I would also mention that I had not been successful with my master’s degree. I dropped out before completing my thesis (but remained responsible for a large amount of student loan debt for the credits I managed to complete).
I sensed from the start of my academic coaching career that our understanding and approach were incomplete when it came to key themes like motivation and resilience. I was dubious of an underlying attitude in adult student services at the time, that good old-fashioned grit was all that was truly needed to succeed. I knew that much of what these students (and I) battled could not simply be attributed to insufficient “grit” any more than it could to inadequate intelligence. I intuitively began focusing on what I began to view as the invisible scaffolding for good learning and performance. It took me a long time to be able to articulate what it was, but today I can do just that.
The puzzle finally came fully together for me after I received my ADHD diagnosis three years ago. Since then, I have been voraciously self-educating (can you say special interest and hyperfixation?) on the insidious and invisible ways ADHD can impact our daily lives. We even have a fun buzz term for the collection of skills affected: executive functioning (or executive skills). Currently, there is no single universal definition for this term, but many find the general idea helpful for conceptualizing the meta stuff in our day-to-day functioning.
It’s probably no surprise to you that executive dysfunction can be present in varying degrees with anyone, however, we’re finding that it’s prominent with neurodevelopmental disorders like ADHD, Dyscalculia, Dyslexia, Dysgraphia, Autism, PTSD, and traumatic brain injuries (among others). Executive dysfunction was likely the saboteur for myself and many of my students, and the changes I made in my coaching over time involved focusing on executive skills development.
These days I’m passionate about the importance of consistent executive skills development along with other more traditional academic tools. Executive functioning is involved in such things as effective organization, managing limited time, identifying unnecessary distractions, navigating multiple priorities at once, anticipating potential issues ahead, and communicating needs and questions appropriately (before it’s too late). Well-developed executive skills lead directly to better learning experiences and more successful results.
Resources like academic coaching are often severely under-utilized, even when free, discreet, and available virtually or in-person. But fortunately, we’re seeing more and more of American higher ed more visibly offering free academic coaching for their entire student populations. And the field of academic coaching is adapting and providing more targeted and inclusive approaches, making it a major potential resource for richer learning. Likewise, federally regulated academic accommodations like assistive technology, extended test-taking time, recorded lectures, flexible attendance policies, earlier access to future assignments, or noise reduction headsets, for example, are now sometimes informally granted by request without a diagnosis.
We are on a hopeful trajectory of better recognizing and supporting nontraditional adult learners (with or without diagnosed disabilities) who struggle with executive challenges. This may contribute to the potential (eventual?) reduction of harmful stigmas and misinformation, or lack of information, blocking too many nontraditional students from academic success. And if we’re lucky, this will lend to increased cultural normalization of services like coaching and formal accommodations in higher ed.
Not yet familiar with academic success coaching? Here are some things a skilled academic coach can do:
If you or someone you care about is attending college or university and in need of additional support, find out what supplemental options the institution offers. And if academic coaching is provided as part and parcel of your enrollment (especially if it’s free!), try it out. It truly does take a village for most of us to manage our stressful adult lives and succeed at school, simultaneously. With a good coach, you’ll likely begin seeing positive results immediately and wonder what took you so long! Good luck.
