The Many Faces of ADHD - Tony's story

This ADHD Awareness Month, CADDAC is highlighting "The Many Faces of ADHD" — because ADHD doesn't look the same for everyone. It spans all ages, backgrounds, genders, and experiences. We asked for volunteer bloggers to share their personal journeys with ADHD — the challenges, the wins, the moments of clarity or chaos. This is Tony's story.

Tell us about your experience with ADHD
When were you diagnosed, or suspect that you had ADHD? How has it impacted your life?

I was diagnosed in 2024 at 48, but I suspected since 2001 when I started teaching and began reading about ADHD and working with students with ADHD. I learned to internalize my hyperactivity and mask my inattentiveness. Until my diagnosis, I didn’t know who I was. I’ve spent this past year, after completing rehab for substance use disorder, taking a leave of absence from work, separating from my common-law partner of nineteen years, and attending weekly psychotherapy appointments to begin learning the true individual that I am. Growing up with an identical twin brother who doesn’t have ADHD and being compared to him constantly (by myself and others, especially my mom) negatively impacted my self-esteem. It also didn’t help that I grew up gay in a Catholic Italian family, and he is straight.

What has been the biggest challenge living with ADHD? 
This could be in school, work, relationships, your mental health, etc.

All the above. I was so inconsistent in every aspect of my life: I would get all A’s in my university courses one year and barely pass most courses the next; I would feel very confident as a teacher one term and a failure the next; I could feel joyous with gratitude for life one day and struggle getting up, showering, eating, and leaving my home to go to work for three days in a row. I reached a point where I burnt out, hitting lower than rock bottom, until I was assessed for ADHD. I learned about rejection sensitive dysphoria, and all its characteristics told the story of my life. Rejections by men led me to stay in a dysfunctional relationship because I didn’t think I was worthy of anything else. Criticisms at work, at home, and from me were tough to handle.

What strengths or unique qualities do you associate with your ADHD?
Is there something about how your brain works that you appreciate or celebrate?  

I appreciate creativity above all else. I loved drawing, painting, and writing stories as a kid. I also loved exploring nature through my own experiments. As a high school science teacher, I love developing unique and creative lesson plans and forms of assessment. My humor and empathy are other qualities I appreciate; they’ve been assets in the classroom and in my relationships.

How has your identity (age, race, gender, culture, etc.) shaped your experience with ADHD?
Feel free to reflect on how ADHD intersects with other aspects of who you are.

I always felt that I didn’t fit in, whether it was in school with my friends and peers, or amongst my colleagues at work. For the longest time, I attributed this feeling to being gay. Coming out was difficult, but trying to fit in and feel accepted by other gay men was just as tricky. I couldn’t see myself fitting in with the different tribes of this community. I believe that my neurodivergent traits pushed others away; I was the “queerdo” amongst gay typicals.

What do you wish more people understood about ADHD?
What myths or misconceptions would you love to bust?

My emotions are strong, and I’m not overreacting. I’ve struggled and continue to struggle with emotional dysregulation. Being criticized for my feelings led to repressing my emotions, which led to anxiety, depression, and addiction.

What has helped you the most in managing or embracing your ADHD?
This could include tools, therapy, community, mindset shifts, medication, etc.

Psychotherapy with a therapist who also has ADHD and identifies as a member of the LGBTQ+ community has been most helpful. He’s helped me embrace the positive aspects of ADHD. Also, being part of an online peer group for adults with ADHD helped me feel a sense of belonging in this world.

Why do you want to share your story during ADHD Awareness Month?
What motivates you to speak up now? 

Frustration. I’ve often felt misunderstood by most people in my life, especially at work, and it took me a long time to learn about myself and feel connected to others like me. I want to share my story so that it may resonate with even just one person, making that one person feel a sense of belonging.