Growing up, I never really felt that I was the same as my peers; it wasn’t a bad thing necessarily, but I just couldn’t relate or build the connections most did at the time. I seemed like the average kid to most adults when I was growing up, as I liked video games, books, music, movies and school. If someone looked at my grades, I was a good student, and I enjoyed learning. Nothing back then would have made it obvious to someone that in my 30s, I would be diagnosed with ADHD.
Except there were. There were numerous signs that ADHD would be a struggle for me and that my brain wasn’t quite like the rest in how it processed things and worked both to my benefit and detriment whenever it felt like it. That good student:
1) had the messiest desk of anyone in their grade
2) spoke out often and couldn’t wait to give the answer
3) made careless errors in their work even though they knew the answers,
4) forgot things for class
5) would often not do homework unless it would be checked
6) had difficulty fitting in with peers even when they tried to be like the others
7) overreacted to seemingly small things
Nobody looked beyond the good grades and stereotypes that ADHD was solely a busy child who couldn’t sit still and oftentimes misbehaved because that was what people thought it looked like back then. Add in being a girl in the 90s and I would be missed off that alone.
While I was in the process of getting diagnosed at 30, I wondered numerous times if I was wrong and that there was no way I could have ADHD. I figured if all the people I interacted with couldn’t see it, it must not be there. But then I started watching videos on other people who were getting diagnosed late in life and reading as many articles as I could to understand how ADHD can present so differently in people and saw myself in many of the things I watched and read. I was eventually diagnosed with combination type ADHD and it was freeing to be told that I wasn’t wrong this whole time about feeling different from others and that everything in my head was right. It was empowering but it wasn’t entirely without some sore spots.
Though my diagnosis brought a feeling of relief and comfort, it also brought sadness with it. It was hard to look back at my life through the lens of knowing I had ADHD the whole time. I wondered if I would have been better in school or if I would have made more friends or if my childhood would have been a lot less lonely. As a young adult, I may have been more conscious of my impulsivity and not spent money I shouldn’t have or have been a healthier partner to my boyfriends at the time or recognized that not everything is a personal attack when receiving constructive criticism. While I feel this period of mourning a life that didn’t happen was necessary for growth, there is something to be said about not dwelling on it too long because it interferes with the here and now. Take the time to acknowledge the grief but celebrate being here just the way you are.
I can’t say that the celebration period doesn’t have struggles or challenges because it does. My ADHD manifests itself in so many ways and finding a fit for me between medication, strategies and overall lifestyle has been a bit of a whirlwind. I will say that my life is in a much better place post diagnosis because it’s allowed me to make peace with who I am and develop strategies to enhance my life rather than just survive it. If you cannot get a diagnosis for whatever reason (lack of access or finances), please find resources or join ADHD groups with strategies you can use to support your everyday life. We are all in this together and it’s so much better to thrive than survive.
“What would you do differently?” This is a question I am so frequently asked that I have decided to respond to it in this blog about how my children have helped me become a better person. My acupuncturist most recently asked me this question this week when discussing their own child’s teenage adventures. Over the years I have shared in the stories people related to their young ones; and have learned in the end, it is all about relationships. I am a mother and a teacher with ADHD. I also have children who have ADHD. I am an ordinary person who finds joy in everyday things. I believe we can do small things with greatness or great things can be done in small amounts. That helps me when I feel overwhelmed, which can happen with my ADHD. For example, when writing this blog or preparing a meal. As a teacher, I hope to help promote, inspire, or support greatness in small amounts every day. As parents, it would be difficult to inspire greatness in everything we did but rather, our children are remarkably great and so are we.
Even an octopus does not multitask. Do one thing at a time. Mindfully being present in my activities has helped ease my anxiety about having to retain information from conversations while simultaneously completing non-related activities. The art of conversation is hard to find at present with the busyness of modern society and technological devices. Spending time and purposefully being present with my children during their conversations is one of my favorite pastimes. Simply listening, without judgment or correction, has allowed them to develop their thoughts and feelings. Learning to listen, without trying to guide or interject, has taken time. As a parent with ADHD and children with ADHD, there are always so many thoughts that want or need to be shared. However, learning when it is appropriate is another matter. I have learned that sometimes it is necessary to listen first and wait to respond later. Feelings can be big and need space. Our children can have the last word and most of the time, they need our presence more than our voice.
Perfection is not required. However, as a parent I desperately tried to achieve this with every lunch and snack I packed for the children. Each was a non-repeating, 45-minute process, of allergy-conscious, selective-eating, healthy options, budget-limited selections. Every item was carefully chosen for its maximum health potential, likelihood to be eaten, and economic affordability. I wanted the children to find healthy food options in their lunches that supported their neurodevelopment. Ensuring the children had an abundance of food for school and the perfect lunches was a way I tried to protect them from possible negative adult perceptions. In this way, the children’s behavior couldn’t be blamed on poor food choices, lack of nutrition, or neglect. As the children aged, they began to take part in sponsored lunch programs, buying cafeteria food, trading lunches, and even asking to meet up with me for lunch. As I became more comfortable and adapted to advocating for my children, I focused less on what was in their lunches and more on what was in their classroom. It is a process.
Worrying has never stopped anything from happening, including worrying. I worried then and I worry now. For both my children and me, our journey with ADHD occurs with Anxiety. The substance of my anxiety has changed regarding my children as they have aged and have taken on more of their responsibilities. Gone are the days of having to remember tests, assignments, birthday parties, and extra pairs of shoes. The floors have walked bare and the chairs rocked for hours, waiting for phone calls or for children to come home. Children leave when emotions get too big when words fail, friends call, days are long, or adventures await. My worry turned every scenario into the worst possible situation for my children. Every time they were late or chose a friend I did not approve of, I let their diagnosis of ADHD overshadow their creativity, independence, and interpretational skills. When things go astray, ADHD can create a big “WHAT IF” monster in my head. Children do choose their friends and do stay out late. They will get bruises and get hurt. Worry has never stopped my children from any of things. Being there for them has helped them heal when it has.
Even though I feel like motherhood has given me “the pink slip” now, my children still tell me I am needed. Even as an older mom, I still learn new things about motherhood as a mom with ADHD and with older kids with ADHD. Nothing is ever complete, like laundry or the dishes. They stay piled forever. If people want to see a perfect house, they can watch television or watch a magazine. My family is not perfect, and I am not raising a house. Your home can be clean without causing you anxiety or worry. Since several members of our home have ADHD how we try to accomplish things in the home is completely different. This used to cause communication issues, and emotional tension, and consequently, not a lot was accomplished. Through counseling and learning better communication skills and spending more time listening, I learned that sometimes getting things done gets in the way of relationships. My children helped to teach me a different type of organization system where things can be visualized. They also taught me how to delegate tasks and break down jobs into smaller ones. As a single mother, I was used to doing everything myself, and being able to hyperfocus, I was able to complete tasks without issue. However, the children taught me work will always be there but sunny days or freshly fallen snow are to be enjoyed. Take the time to make memories, they will keep you company when the children are grown.
Wouldn’t it be ideal if when your child receives a diagnosis of a neurological complexity, like ADHD, you were handed a map that detailed the road ahead of you? All you would have to do as an exhausted caregiver that had made it this far was choose which door to knock on first. Instead, when caregivers are told their child has a diagnosis they often feel alone, lost, and desperate for direction on what steps to take next. Being given a diagnosis is not even half the solution to what the problem has been for their child and the world of resources, advocacy, and intervention often seems out of reach.
At least that was my experience as a mom. When my child was given a diagnosis I knew I needed to take steps, but I didn’t know where or how to start. It was only through seeking the advice of other parents who had walked the path before me that I was able to piece a plan together and baby-step my way through finding the support we so desperately needed.
For many of us raising children with exceptionalities, like ADHD, there are years that feel like our families are being tossed around in an unforgiving storm. The journey to a diagnosis is often long, with appalling wait times for assessments and paediatrician appointments. Our children have struggled for years before they receive a diagnosis and we have struggled right alongside them. We’ve been in this blustery storm with our kids for a long time when we finally make it to the Pediatricians office and instead of being handed a solution, we’re often handed a blank to-do list. There is much to be done to help our children find their own unique versions of success, but first we must scrawl out that to-do list ourselves. It’s like bumping around in a dark room looking for the light switch. You know it’s there, but the only way to find it is to grope around the room feeling the roughness of the walls searching for the switch that is going to make all the difference.
Here's the thing: it is hard enough to do the things, without first having to find out what the things are that need to be done.
Recently I joined a brand-new Paediatric Clinic that aims to provide wrap-around, low-barrier services to families before, during, and after their referral to see a Paediatrician. Many families have children with complex and compounding diagnosis and every parent I spoke with had a similar story of exhaustion, grief, hopelessness, and fear. In my role as the Family Liaison, I was able to show them that I understood their experience, that everything they had experienced was normal and that they weren’t alone. Most importantly, I was able to point them in the direction of current education and resources that would suit their situations. They were able to begin mapping out their to-do list before they even saw the Paediatrician.
As the first year in my role as the Family Liaison at the CYAN Clinic neared its completion it became clearer that funding was becoming impossible to secure. There has been no public funding made available to run the clinic and both myself and Dr. Francis had been donating our time to keep the clinic open. As you may already be aware ADHD is virtually unfunded in the province of British Columbia. Although it is a neurodevelopmental disorder that impacts individuals across all social-emotional, physical, and academic domains, ADHD alone does not qualify our learners for extra funding or support at school under the current Ministry of Education guidelines. A diagnosis of ADHD will not qualify caregivers for any public funding sources for intervention tools, outside therapy, coaching, or support services. Desperate caregivers are paying out of pocket for services on top of taking time off work to attend meetings, appointments, and to frequently pick their child up from school when their child is expected to adapt to an environment that doesn’t work for them. The financial burden of raising a child with ADHD is reported to be 5 times higher than that of raising a neurotypical child , and yet there is no accessible funding for the most prevalent neurological condition in childhood. And as we at the CYAN Clinic have learned, there also appears to be no funding to keep accessible services open and available at no-cost to families. We must do better.
Multi-disciplinary paediatric teams that provide educational and emotional support services to families during the assessment and diagnosis process enable caregivers to create their own maps. Seeing a Paediatrician and receiving a diagnosis doesn’t mean the storm is over for families, but care from a Paediatric Clinic absolutely should be a lighthouse in that storm. Wrap around services that support caregivers at the time when their child receives a diagnosis enable caregivers to continue to be the lifeboat their children need while they ride the waves.
Failure is a gift! As someone with ADHD, I have previously seen my cycles of excitement-to-burnout as failures. Reframing failure as a step towards eventual success has been enlightening.
As Carol Dweck said, there are two ways to look at the world: “In one world, effort is a bad thing. It, like failure, means you’re not smart or talented.”
Appreciate the process over the results:
Viewing my unpredictable interests as a gift has been key in my transformation!
If I were diagnosed earlier, my life would have been much different.
I would not have had to put up with the abuse I endured growing up and after I left home. I was called lazy, stupid, and crazy and told that those with ADHD have lower intelligence than those with out it.
Nancy, diagnosed at age 55
"My son was finally diagnosed with combined-type ADHD and learning disabilities when he was 7. He was assessed to be reading at an early kindergarten level when he was halfway through grade 2. With his diagnosis, medications, therapies and supports he is now caught up to grade-level at the end of grade 3.
In kindergarten and grade 1, my sweet boy was criticized and punished for being too disruptive. He was often isolated from his classmates and kept inside at recess. It was heartbreaking for both of us. Children with ADHD can be successful, but they need help to get there. My child never wanted to be bad or uncooperative… but he didn’t have the supports he needed to meet his needs.
His grade 2 teacher helped him get set up for support in the classroom and she helped me with her kindness by telling me he was working so hard to try and overcome his challenges in a setting that wasn’t designed for him. It is sad to know that many children probably struggle through school unnecessarily, because they don’t get the help they need. ADHD isn’t about being a bad child or a bad parent, it’s about accessing the right support and understanding for a growing brain that works differently!"
- Ouradhdlife, New Brunswick
#ADHDSpeaks
"The collateral damage caused by ADHD knows no bounds. When I was diagnosed at 38, I began to understand the effect ADHD had on every aspect of my life: professional, personal, financial, etc. I wasn't just the guy who couldn't focus or sit still. I was deeply wounded. There was nothing it did not touch!"
- Craig, Newfoundland and Labrador
#ADHDSpeaks
ADHD and autism both interfere with social skills, so it can take much longer for us to gain experience with our peers and potential romantic and sexual partners than it does for neurotypicals.
This experience however is often vital for us to properly understand our sexuality. For this reason, I feel there is a trend for many of us to not realize who and what we are until much later in life, and to go through a lot of unpleasantness on the way before learning to understand ourselves."
- Paul, Alberta
#PrideEdition #PrideMonth #ADHDSpeaks
I am a secondary teacher who has always worked with students in alternative programs and special education. Over the years, a large percentage of the students I worked with had a diagnosis of AD(H)D. I have always had an affinity for these students and could identify with their strengths and struggles. Deep down, I had always suspected that we had a lot in common. It wasn't until my fifties, and loss of my ability to utilize my memory as my calendar and watch did I finally understand why. In reaching out for help to adapt to the loss of my predominant organizational strategy, I received a formal diagnosis of ADD.
You don't know what you don't know until you know… this statement highlights how insight can recontextualize lived experiences. When you are neurodiverse, understanding that a life of ease and far less overwhelm can occur by implementing a few externalized strategies is beyond your grasp. This is why a diagnosis can be life-changing, as it provides a lens through which one can finally see and understand how AD(H)D impacts being in the world.
In becoming acquainted with how ADD shows up, I was stunned by the many ways my daily functioning differs from a neurotypical approach to everyday living. Keep in mind our world is constructed through a neurotypical lens requiring a sure way to organize and interact. So when you struggle to meet the unspoken standards, you unconsciously internalize negative messaging that can considerably impact your self-concept. I have felt inadequate in my ability to keep up and complete tasks in an organized, timely fashion. My messy, responsive way of life has always left me feeling chaotic and a little out of control. I now understand why.
BIG PICTURE THINKING
I can usually see the big picture, the connections and tasks that need to be completed to make something happen. This capability has its advantages in program development, project management, event planning or situational problem-solving. Starting at the end and working backward, filling in the details as you go can often lead to unique and positive outcomes. There is beauty in this engagement, leading to hours of focus and creativity. But big picture thinking can have drawbacks when there are many tasks, assignments and projects to complete within a short timeline. I see everything swimming in my mind's eye all at once, beckoning, requiring a response and a course of action. This leads to overwhelming and difficulty prioritizing tasks.
TIME BLINDNESS
I believe my orientation towards big picture thinking is partly due to the time blindness experienced when you have AD(H)D. I had never used a calendar or datebook to keep my appointments and meetings straight. I used to memorize every scheduled appointment that was to take place and hoped I would not forget. Did this mean double booking, canceling and rescheduling --you bet. Could this be overwhelming? YES!!!! But, I did not know any other way. I have always been busy in chaos, meeting each task or commitment when the moment to take action arose. This has always been my version of organization and how I approached each day. I remember hearing that living a life with AD(H)D is living each day as a novelty. No two days are ever the same, no structure, no actual routine, except one that is imposed upon you. I would have to say that this has been my lived experience.
OVERWHELM
As an engaged teaching professional, educational coach and consultant, I have always worked hard to accomplish what is asked. I also take on additional projects that are important to the quality of my work and the students I have the privilege to work with. As someone with ADD, this impulse to engage and commit creates internal complexity, competing priorities, and pressure to meet additional timelines and complete an ever-growing to-do list.
I can now see why entrepreneurship or a career as a first responder are good choices for the AD(H) D brain. To compensate like most people with AD(H)D, I have spent time cultivating an ability to respond to the most urgent daily needs. This capability to effectively react to situations requiring immediate attention creates the impression that I am capable of handling the demands in my world. But I will confess that overwhelm can be an insistent companion, as priorities have a tendency to shift like sand as new information and ideas come flooding in unencumbered. It is easy to get lost in a mind full of all that needs tending but not quickly scheduled with adequate confidence. A constant influx of information, new opportunities and pressing tasks can distract one from the enjoyment of simply being.
In understanding the impact of AD(H)D, it would seem that big picture thinking coupled with time blindness is an expansive condition, stretching the content beyond the limits one can comfortably hold within. When immersed in the details, it can lead to overwhelm and an inability to move forward with any productive task or self-care capability.
The management of AD(H)D requires the intentional development of conscious awareness to impact and maximize daily functioning. My AD(H)D world is full of exciting possibilities but requires daily organization through externalized strategies and structures to truly take shape and manifest fully in a stress-free, healthy way. In understanding what supports are needed, my life can now unfold where chaos and order intersect, creating a life in balance.
Understanding the impact of AD(H)D is worth pursuing because it offers the development of self-compassion., self-acceptance and true authenticity. Developing the processes and supports one needs to thrive and achieve true potential is a gift. I am now a dedicated professional educational consultant and coach helping others seek understanding. As someone with lived experience and I must say each encounter with a new client is like looking in the mirror, a positive reflection of someone who desires to show up in their world.
Rebecca Dupont
I’m having a virtual parent-teacher interview and am scribbling random, almost illegible notes on a post-it about ways in which I can support my daughter- who is learning across the board a grade to two below her age -it's completely daunting. Internally, I am going back and berating myself for not forcing letters and numbers on her earlier, and making more diligent routines and schedules. She never cared for sitting down or would heavily protest or shut down when I would impose some of my own “fun learning ideas” into her dramatic play. At times I’d even make up different voices for each letter because that seemed to catch her attention, but it never fully evolved into wanting to learn more. She loved being read to and only ever sat still for books so I just pushed my worry to the side and said, “she’ll learn it all in kindergarten”. Just give her autonomy and freedom and pick your battles, there are enough struggles to choose from here.
Perhaps like me your child was a high needs baby, then a high needs toddler? Never leaving your side, having huge emotional experiences beyond what appeared typical and basically running you ragged with their energetic output that was boundless, no matter how little they slept! And they were oblivious to how little sleep you got. Other mothers would be sitting gabbing joyfully, enjoying each other company on a patio with babies contentedly sleeping in strollers while I made my third lap down the shaded street carrying my baby, because she wouldn’t do a stroller and only napped, albeit briefly, after being walked for hours or rocked almost violently. I loathed them.
Now in grade two things have evolved slightly. I would still call her a relentless force but fortunately, at school, she is seen as happy and most adaptable. She is working really hard to keep up and does quite well at emotional regulation in her day. But learning is a huge, huge challenge for her like it is for about 30-50% of ADHD kids who also have dyslexia, dyscalculia, or other learning differences on top of ADHD. “It’s like numbers are mysterious to Esme”, says her teacher. Even when counting 5 on her fingers, to know what “5” actually means would be like going to the moon on a pogo stick. I end our third teacher conference completely triggered, fighting back tears, feeling like an utter failure in life, and wanting to crumple up into a lint ball and be buried under the couch with some chocolate. My partner has a different experience. She is feeling somewhat optimistic! She reflects on some of the more positive comments while I seem to be dwelling in the areas where she is so far behind and then projecting that into her future life as if nothing could change. Like
how will she ever “succeed" in life? How will she budget time, money, resources? How will she figure out x, y, z?! I am spiraling into the future black hole of worry that gets you deep dark real fast.
Luckily, I have some tools and time for self-reflection and pause for a moment to understand how much I am also entwined in this conversation from the place of my inner child. Though I didn’t have the same learning challenges of dyslexia and dyscalculia on top of ADHD like my daughter, I did have trouble at school with executive functioning issues. Like so many women, my ADHD went undiagnosed, until my daughter was assessed. So therefore in school I was just the extremely verbal girl who could take over the room with her energy and ideas and complained (loudly) when we were learning things that did not interest me or seemed completely irrelevant. And like many girls my presentation became more inattentive over time which translates to ignored in the school system. I was withdrawn in class at times, forgetful, with scattered notes everywhere or staring out the window dreaming up other places I would rather be. I was the girl who was told I was so bright but never lived up to my potential because I didn’t apply myself. Those “helpful” comments always made me fume. Please, if your teenage daughter comes home with comments like this on a report card investigate an ADHD diagnosis!
When dealing with my daughter I asses that my investment in her wellbeing and education comes from a deeper place than her loving, concerned parent- it comes from the internal place of me desperately wanting to re-parent myself and be recognized for some of the challenges I had. I want to go back in time and be seen and understood so that I could slough off some of this residual shame and self-criticism; feelings of doubt and not-enoughness I’ve been carrying. I didn’t want her to wonder in silence, what is going on with me? Why don’t I just “get it” like the others seem to? Much of this journey is about some of our parallel experiences as girls, now as women and mothers with recognition of our own ADHD, parenting little versions of ourselves. The key is I am her parent, aware of who she is and her struggles early on. She has me and her other mother advocating for her, researching and investigating all the ways in which we can support her from a place of knowledge, self-empowerment, and strength. We see her and know the challenges that will come up for her in a school environment. We know that ADHD is something she will be dealing with in many facets of her life for the rest of her life. We can intercept uninformed comments about her potential and her abilities from a united and informed front. This early acknowledgement is a key ingredient I never had that will inevitably shift my daughters' self-concept and experiences navigating systems.
I trust that osmosis it will also transform me and bring healing through the lines of time, with compassion, reweaving my past self through this lens of ADHD awareness. For now, I laugh myself up from my crumpled heap and go outside into nature to allow my wild child the space to run free, I invite my daughter along as well.
