Some adults with ADHD perform exceptionally well in demanding leadership roles, then encounter unexpected difficulty after becoming consultants, independent professionals or retirees. Even when the work involves fewer formal responsibilities, initiating tasks, maintaining routines and managing time can become harder.
The contradiction is easier to understand when the role is separated from the infrastructure surrounding it.
Senior roles are not necessarily unstructured roles. Leaders may have assistants, direct reports, recurring meetings, organizational deadlines and colleagues who translate decisions into action. These supports distribute part of the executive-function load. When a person leaves the organization, the work does not simply become more autonomous. It can also become more solitary.
What appears to be a loss of capability may instead be the loss of a system, including the people who helped sustain it.
Workplace structure can also change when someone moves into leadership rather than out of an organization.
Leadership is often treated as the natural next step for someone who performs well. But it is not simply the same job with greater authority.
The work shifts toward creating structure, not only operating within it. Leaders must decide what deserves attention, initiate work without external prompting, track multiple priorities and follow up with people whose progress may affect everyone else.
That transition can expose difficulties that were less visible in the previous role because leadership places different demands on executive function.
A 2024 systematic review by Hotte-Meunier and colleagues examined 79 studies involving 68,275 adults with ADHD across 22 countries. The researchers found that person-environment fit played an important role in workplace adaptation, job satisfaction and job retention. Workers with ADHD were better able to thrive when their environments offered the right combination of support, flexibility and challenge.
Success develops through the relationship between the person and the environment.
Leadership may provide more influence over that relationship, but influence is not the same as having suitable systems in place.
Some leaders rely on memory to track the work of an entire team.
They remember who promised what, notice when a project has stalled, keep a mental list of questions for the next meeting and carry unfinished decisions in their heads. A system that depends on one person’s memory is unreliable. For a leader with ADHD, maintaining it can also be exhausting.
Reducing those memory demands is more reliable than trying to remember more.
A single, visible record can track each commitment, its owner, the next action and the date it will be revisited. Regular check-ins create a predictable time for following up. Recording decisions and assigning responsibility before a meeting ends prevents those details from depending on one person’s recall.
Delegating ownership, rather than activity alone, also matters. When a leader assigns a task but continues monitoring every detail mentally, the task has moved but the cognitive load has not.
The discussion of structure should not obscure the strengths adults with ADHD may bring to leadership. Some of the same tendencies that complicate conventional work can contribute to strong leadership in the right context.
In a qualitative study of 17 adults with ADHD, researchers Tamsin Crook and Almuth McDowall found that participants described career success as occurring both “in spite of” and “because of” ADHD. Frequently identified strengths included linking ideas, offering a different perspective, spontaneity, empathy, humour, energy and a strong sense of fairness.
The ability to link ideas is especially valuable in leadership. A person who moves readily between subjects may notice that a staffing problem is also a communication problem, or that a stalled project is connected to an unclear decision made months earlier. What can look like a lack of focus from the outside may be an ability to see relationships across functions, people and time.
That does not mean every adult with ADHD has the same strengths, or that a strength is useful in every situation. Crook and McDowall also identified “overplayed strengths.” High energy, enthusiasm and passion, for example, could contribute to burnout or workaholism.
Understanding when a strength helps and when it begins to create problems is more useful than debating whether ADHD is a “superpower.”
There is a persistent idea that competent leadership should look effortless. It should not.
Recording decisions, naming priorities and creating reliable follow-up systems give the team a clear account of how the work will move forward.
Visible systems reduce ambiguity around ownership and make it easier for people to raise concerns before deadlines are at risk. The practices that support an ADHD leader can create a more dependable environment for the whole team.
ADHD leaders do not have to reproduce the managerial styles they have previously encountered. They can develop practices that support variable executive functioning while making priorities, responsibilities and decisions clearer to others.
Effective ADHD leadership depends less on resembling a standard model than on creating conditions in which both the leader and the team can work well.
Andrea Toole is a life coach and ICF certification candidate who works with midlife women with ADHD to build practical systems for focus, energy, and wellbeing. andreatoolecoach.com
Crook, T., & McDowall, A. (2024). Paradoxical career strengths and successes of ADHD adults: An evolving narrative. Journal of Work-Applied Management, 16(1), 112–126.
Hotte-Meunier, A., Sarraf, L., Bougeard, A., Bernier, F., Voyer, C., Deng, J., El Asmar, S., Stamate, A. N., Corbière, M., Villotti, P., & Sauvé, G. (2024). Strengths and challenges to embrace attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder in employment: A systematic review. Neurodiversity.
It is widely thought that ADHD causes a lack of focus. It’s even right there in the name: “Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder.” While difficulty concentrating is a common symptom, it is often the result of us being focussed on something else. In fact, ADHD can also cause something called hyperfocus, which cognitive neuroscience specialist Kathleen Hupefeld and her colleagues (2019) describe as “episodes of long-lasting, highly focused attention.” They explain that in clinical reports, many patients describe a hyperfocus episode as “falling under ‘hypnotic spells’ as they become immersed in an activity,” especially if it is something related to their hobbies, and that patients often experience “distorted time perception, failure to notice the world, and difficulty stopping an activity and switching to a new task” during these episodes. (Hupefeld et al. 2019).
Unfortunately, we cannot control what we hyperfocus on, which means it can often hinder productivity instead of helping it. This is why at six years old, my little brother—who also has ADHD—could not sit down for ten minutes to do his homework, but would go sit alone in his room, start a 5000-piece LEGO Star Wars set, and not come out until 5 hours later when it was done. Later, he also began playing guitar. What started as one lesson a week quickly spiralled into playing for hours on end every day. While people with ADHD are known for cycling through hobbies at a rapid pace, this one has stuck for him. When he is not playing, he is thinking about the next time he can play. It is the first thing he wants to do when he wakes up and the last thing he does before he goes to bed. Unfortunately for me, he chose to take up the electric guitar and purchased an amp whose quietest setting is “deafening.” It makes me miss the Lego days!
While hyperfocus can hinder us from focusing on the tasks or conversations that we “should” be doing, it can also be a superpower and a gift (I know that the “ADHD is a superpower” sentiment can feel corny and cause eye-rolls, but stick with me). It encourages—or almost forces us—to pursue careers and life paths that bring us the most joy in order for us to be successful. For example, my brother’s ability to hyperfocus on building complex LEGO structures has evolved into a passion for engineering. He is entering his second year of (the very competitive) Queen’s Engineering program, with very impressive grades from his first year and an excitement to build his knowledge and work on new projects. Additionally, through his countless hours of practice over the last decade, he has become an extremely gifted guitar player. He even started a band (where he is the lead guitarist), and he won first place in a competition for talented Queen’s guitarists.
Now let’s look at the second half of the name: “Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder.” People with ADHD are supposed to be zooming around from task to task and jumping off the walls, yet why do we often feel so stuck? Why do we frequently get accused of being lazy? Not only are there misconceptions about ADHD, but there are also certain aspects of the disorder that many people are either unaware of or mistake for something else.
Executive dysfunction is a challenge that many people with ADHD experience, but that is not widely known about or understood by people who are unaffected by ADHD. Essentially, it is the ability to maintain control and appropriately problem-solve to work towards and achieve a desired goal (Sonuga-Barke et al., 2008). So what happens when those circuits malfunction? For those with ADHD, that can often look like disorganization, time-blindness, emotional dysregulation, forgetfulness, and decreased response inhibition, which Dr. Sonuga-Barke (2008) explains is “the ability to inhibit an inappropriate . . . response in favor of a more appropriate alternative.” People with ADHD also often experience task paralysis, where you struggle to initiate a task, often because it is boring or overwhelming. Combining decreased response inhibition with task paralysis can explain why you may really want to go to bed at a good time, and you know you have to be up early, but instead, you sit on the couch watching Love Island for hours. You tell yourself, “I just want to start the next one to see what happens after that cliff-hanger, and then I will turn it off,” but then 50 minutes later you click “next episode” again. And again. And again. And you can’t even enjoy it. As Dr. Sharon Saline explains, “Shame and pressure only make paralysis worse, while compassion and structure help create sustainable pathways to move forward” (2025). Before I understood what was happening to me, shame and pressure were my go-to responses. You lie there and feel tired and ashamed and frustrated and guilty and stressed about all the sleep you should be getting and how tired you will be the next day and how you told yourself you weren’t going to do this tonight. “JUST GET UP!” you think, while you stay all curled up in the blankie.
It is difficult to describe what executive dysfunction feels like to someone who doesn’t have ADHD using simple everyday tasks that they get done with ease, so instead I will explain it using an impossible task: What if I told you that I am currently holding a $100 bill? Now, I am feeling generous today, so I am going to give this $100 bill away for free. It is yours for the taking; all you have to do is take it out of my hand in the next 5 minutes. That seems easy enough, right? Or it would be, if this were not a written blog post and you were actually sitting right in front of me. So, you see, even though I am telling you that you can easily come and take this money from me, and you really want to do it, it is physically impossible for you to come get it. However, in this hypothetical scenario, I have offered to everyone else that I will e-transfer the $100 to anyone who sends me an email, and nobody knows that you were not given this option. People are not going to see why you could not take the money; they will only see that you chose not to. So, they will accuse you of being lazy, unmotivated, not caring, not trying, and eventually you may start to believe it yourself. Now imagine that $100 is getting an assignment done, making a doctor’s appointment, going to the grocery store, turning off TikTok to do something productive, even everyday tasks as simple as getting out of bed, hopping in the shower, or making a meal. It is not that we do not want to do these things or that we are too lazy, or unmotivated, or do not care, or do not try. It is not always a choice. It can feel like there is an actual barrier keeping us from doing these tasks, which most people do not understand because, to them, the barrier is not just invisible; it is non-existent.
I did not get my ADHD diagnosis until I was in Grade 11. Up until then, I could coast. I relied on my smarts and–most importantly–the rush of the last minute to compensate for my disorganization, poor time management, avoidable mistakes, (and what I thought was) lack of motivation and laziness. This worked for a while, but then the workload and the expectations got bigger, and all of a sudden, I was drowning instead of coasting. The thing is, I was motivated; my grades mattered to me, and I wanted to do well, so what was the issue? After I completed my ADHD assessment, my psychologist told me that it was a credit to my intelligence that I had been doing as well as I had been given, given how low my executive functioning scores were. I started to see an executive functioning coach to help me turn it around, as I knew that I would need to get a handle on this if I was going to succeed in university. She was very nice, and she gave me plenty of good tips, but there was just one problem—she had knowledge of executive dysfunction but no lived experience. This meant that she could provide great tips for getting organized and improving my time management, but strategies only work if you can get yourself to do them. I found myself spiraling even more into the “why can’t I just…” mindset that plagues so many who experience executive dysfunction. I felt hopeless.
Once I entered university, I realized that I would need to come up with my own strategies that would work for me. It took plenty of trial and error, but I learned how to work with my ADHD. I found a routine that worked for me. I made time-lapses of myself studying or completing assignments to keep me off my phone and keep me accountable. I made Kahoots instead of Quizlets because they were more fun, and they encouraged me to make friends in my classes so I would have people to do them with. One day, I had a strong desire to paint my nails, but I really needed to study. Rather than letting this side quest get me off track, I used this for motivation, painting one nail after completing each practice question (4 coats x 10 fingers = 40 completed questions). Once I ran out of nails to paint, I drew flowers all over a page and got to colour in one petal each time I completed a small task until the whole page was full. I was always the kid who would doodle all over her homework, so it is no surprise that this worked well for me. I ended up making it a regular part of my studying and schoolwork, and I now have a notebook full of flowers that serves as a reminder of how much I was able to get done. While I personally do not find body doubling helpful for schoolwork (because I am a people watcher and a talker), I find it very helpful for other daily tasks. I am a yapper, so calling my friend while putting away my laundry means that I can be focused on the conversation and my body can go into autopilot for putting away my clothes. I hate disappointing people, so I make plans with (particularly disciplined and reliable) friends to go to workout classes together. I even have a friend who is 3 hours behind in Vancouver that I FaceTime whenever it is past midnight, and I need help getting off the couch but everyone else is sleeping–we do “3, 2, 1, Up!” and then I show her I am standing. It works every. single. time. I do have to give credit to my daily dose of Vyvanse, but as many ADHD-med-takers know, it is not a miracle drug–we need strategies that support our functioning, and it's all about finding the strategies that work for you.
Conclusion
Most days, ADHD feels like a curse more than it feels like a blessing, but when you learn how to work with it, you become an unstoppable force. It won’t necessarily make life easy, but it will make life doable. Let your hyperfocus lead you to your passions. Let your passions lead you to your career. Let the people in your life into your struggles. Help them understand you and let them help you in a way that works for you. It won’t only help you get things done–it will strengthen your relationships. Remember: You are not lazy. You are not useless. You are not a lost cause. You are not alone. Now, think of something you want to get done today. Ready or not, 3, 2, 1, UP!!!
Works Cited
Hupfeld, K. E., Abagis, T. R., & Shah, P. (2019). Living “in the zone”: hyperfocus in adult ADHD. ADHD Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorders, 11(2), 191-208. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/327943818_Living_in_the_zone_hyperfocus_in_adult_ADHD
Saline, S. (2025, September 15). The ADHD paralysis trap: Why you can’t start—and how to break through. Dr. Sharon Saline. https://www.drsharonsaline.com/blog/2025/09/adhdparalysis
Sonuga-Barke, E. J., Sergeant, J. A., Nigg, J., & Willcutt, E. (2008). Executive dysfunction and delay aversion in attention deficit hyperactivity disorder: nosologic and diagnostic implications. Child and adolescent psychiatric clinics of North America, 17(2), 367-384. https://www-sciencedirect-com.proxy.queensu.ca/science/article/pii/S1056499307001228
When I was growing up, many people thought I was a pretty perfect kid. I do not blame them; I was smart, a straight-A student, well-mannered, well-behaved, outgoing, and I was always told I was mature for my age. But, what my friends, family members, teachers, and even my parents did not realize was that I was going through a constant struggle. I struggled to stay on task, to remember everything I had to do, to do things in a normal amount of time instead of taking twice as long or rushing to do it twice as fast, to stay calm when I was stressed instead of bursting into tears and shutting down. This was not just for schoolwork, but almost every aspect of my life. It was not until halfway through the eleventh grade, when I truly expressed the extent of these struggles to my parents and then a psychologist, and I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, or ADHD.
Prior to my diagnosis, I had limited knowledge as to what ADHD looked like, besides the common stereotypes of struggling to sit still or focus. However, as I learned more about how ADHD can impact the different aspects of my life, I found that many of the things that frustrated me most about myself were actually tied to this disorder. Not only has my diagnosis provided clarity, but it has also allowed me to access tools to help me function better, which has led to improvement in my grades, self-confidence, and coping-mechanisms. But why did it take until then to receive my diagnosis? Why did so many signs go unnoticed? Why did it take me receiving my diagnosis for my then 49-year-old mother (who has an incredibly similar profile as me) to realize that she and her mother have it too?
One common misconception is that ADHD is less prevalent in girls, when in reality, girls experience different symptoms that are often overlooked as signs of ADHD, resulting in fewer diagnoses. According to special education and ADHD researchers Dr. Janice Grskovic and Dr. Sydney Zental (2010), some symptoms of ADHD that are often unique to girls are verbal impulsivity and hyperactivity–which can look like trouble filtering speech and talking quickly and often–as well as being easily bored, and having elevated emotional responses and emotional dysregulation–which can present as mood swings, overreacting, and uncontrollable crying. Girls with ADHD also often suffer from low self-esteem (which is often tied to feeling incompetent because of other ADHD symptoms), as well as constant or extreme stress, anxiety, and depression (Grskovic and Zental, 2010). Therefore, the common symptoms and struggles of ADHD for girls are often the things that get passed off as being typical “girl behaviour” or–in more extreme cases–soley attributed to a different condition (e.g. an anxiety or mood disorder) without considering comorbidity.
Grskovic & Zental (2010) explain teachers typically refer students for assessment because of externalizing symptoms and disruptive behavior in the classroom–which girls with ADHD are less likely to exhibit–and that even when girls have the same external symptoms, teachers will still see them as less disruptive or as more modifiable in the classroom. This is a problem, because it is typically through a teacher’s recommendation that parents or guardians will learn that their child shows symptoms and should be tested for ADHD (Grskovic & Zental, 2010). Instead, most of these symptoms may often be written off by teachers, family members, and friends as simply being personality traits, so girls will be labeled as moody, a “chatty Cathy,” or a drama queen.
According to a national survey conducted by the Director of the National Center for Gender Issues and ADHD, Dr. Patricia Quinn, and her colleague Dr. Sharon Wigal (2004), 82% of teachers in America think ADHD is more prevalent in boys. While this study is older, I have seen this misconception perpetuated (possibly unintentionally) by some of my own psychology professors, who shared the difference in ADHD diagnosis rates of boys and girls but did not discuss why this may be, leading some of my classmates to incorrectly assume that means that it is simply more common for boys. The future teachers, clinicians, and parents in that class may not remember the specific percentages, but this idea that ADHD is more common in boys than girls may stick with them.
My little brother had a teacher suggest that he get tested for ADHD when he was in Grade 1. I got to grade 11 without a single teacher recognizing the signs despite my report cards filled with comments about being “too chatty with friends,” my backpack always being a disorganized mess, and my quizzes being filled with “silly mistakes” because I was rushing to finish on time or had not noticed part of the instructions. I was forgetful, a huge procrastinator, and would constantly leave things until the last minute. As a child and teenager, I was frequently overwhelmed and anxious. I also had very big emotional reactions, even to minor inconveniences. This was one symptom that my brother and I had in common, but that looked very different for each of us. As a kid, he would rage and tantrum (we called it hulking out), screaming and throwing and destroying. As he got older, this rage showed up as aggressive and mean words that were uncalled for and his go-to response to any minor criticism or annoyance. In contrast, my go-to-reaction when experiencing any big emotion (e.g., fear, disappointment, frustration, even happiness) was and often still is to sob big “crocodile tears,” which typically leads to feeling embarrassed when I know that it is a disproportionate response to the situation. Perhaps if my parents or teachers had a better idea of what to look out for, someone could have said, “I think this may be ADHD,” much earlier on, and I would not have had to go through my first 16 years of life wondering what was wrong with me.
Hindsight is 20/20, but it is too late to turn back the clock. Rather than dwell on the years I could have had with the support and understanding that I needed, I want to focus on spreading awareness so that other little girls with ADHD receive diagnoses earlier and grow up without blaming themselves and asking “Why can’t I just?”
Works Cited
Grskovic, J. A., & Zentall, S. S. (2010). Understanding ADHD in Girls: Identification and Social Characteristics. International journal of special education, 25(1), 171-184. https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ890576.pdf
Quinn, P., & Wigal, S. (2004). Perceptions of girls and ADHD: results from a national survey. Medscape general medicine, 6(2). https://www-ncbi-nlm-nih-gov.proxy.queensu.ca/pmc/articles/PMC1395774/
If you have ADHD, being able to juggle multiple work projects, jump from meeting to meeting with no breaks and complete all of your daily responsibilities can make you feel like a superhero. But as you’re trying to balance it all, it’s important to remember the law of gravity: what goes up, must come down. The feeling of overwhelm and mental exhaustion that comes after a long period of overcommitting and overextending yourself is more commonly known as ‘burnout.’
According to the American Psychological Association, burnout is the experience of “physical, emotional or mental exhaustion accompanied by decreased motivation, lowered performance, and negative attitudes toward oneself and others.” However, those with ADHD have a unique experience of burnout.
Symptoms of ADHD such as emotional dysregulation, anxiety, poor impulse control, or disorganization can become heightened when burnout occurs, and can have a much harsher impact on job performance than a neurotypical employee. Here are 3 ways you can combat ADHD burnout at work.
Start acknowledging your limits
A common symptom of ADHD is struggling to plan, manage, or organize your time, which often results in committing to too many responsibilities or projects at once. Taking on more than you can realistically handle ends in missed deadlines or abandoned projects. Give yourself a cushion and start overestimating the amount of time you’ll need to finish a task at work – this can help boost productivity and reduce stress. Setting healthy boundaries and learning how to respectfully decline extra work can be uncomfortable at first, but you’ll thank yourself later.
Ask for help if you need it
Acknowledging your limits and asking for help go hand in hand. Delegating excess work to coworkers or asking for assistance with tasks is nothing to be ashamed of. Asking for help can even mean requesting for workplace accommodations like moving to a more private and quiet workspace, work-from-home days (if applicable) or being able to use noise-cancelling headphones to avoid overstimulation. With a bit of help from coworkers and simple accommodations, the risk of burnout can be reduced.
Prioritize your downtime outside of work hours
It can be hard to slow down when your ADHD is telling you to “go, go, go!” Finding a healthy work-life balance is easier said than done, but it is essential to maintaining your mental health. Your mind needs rest just as much as your body, so try to find some time to “do nothing” or engage in your favourite hobbies during your off-hours. Take a moment to reevaluate everything on your to-do list and decide what can be dropped to make time to recharge. If you don’t make time to unwind, exhaustion will eventually build up into full-blown burnout.
Takeaways
Burnout can often feel never-ending. It’s important to remember that the overwhelm is a phase, not a life-sentence. Understanding the symptoms of your ADHD burnout and its causes can help you recover, and you can begin to take the necessary steps toward a sustainable career and a happier, healthier life.
For most of my life, I thought I was just a train wreck. You know…the girl who could never get herself together.
I thought I was just lazy, a perpetual problem to be solved.
Don’t get me wrong: I made beautiful plans. Making plans and starting projects was never the problem. Finishing them was.
My favorite hobby was buying planners.
I’d rip into a new planner with the excitement of a Christmas morning. I color-coded them, used stickers, bought the fancy extras, and got the huge hit of dopamine that came with believing that each new planner would be the one to change everything.
And then I never looked at them again.
They joined the planner graveyard: a dusty stack of unused planners, calendars, and binder systems that mocked me with every new addition.
See, I wanted to finish what I started.
I wanted to keep my house organized, answer messages promptly, arrive everywhere on time, and complete ordinary tasks without turning them into a seventeen-step emotional event.
But wanting to do something and being able to make myself do it were often two very different things.
So I reached the conclusion many women whose ADHD goes unrecognized for years reach:
I must be lazy.
When “Try Harder” Doesn’t Work
I spent years trying harder.
I created stricter schedules. I made longer lists. I promised myself that Monday would be different.
I watched other women seemingly manage careers, families, appointments, meals, laundry, and social obligations without needing to lie facedown on the carpet afterward.
Meanwhile, I could lose half a day trying to decide which task to begin first and end up scrolling social media instead.
The hardest part wasn’t the unfinished work. It was what I believed the unfinished work said about me.
Lazy.
Irresponsible.
Inconsistent.
Not living up to my potential.
That last one followed me for decades because I knew I was intelligent. I knew I was creative and capable. I also knew I was passionate about my plans and ideas. But the trouble was I usually couldn’t get to the finish line, and sometimes not even past the starting line.
It made no sense to me.
If something mattered, shouldn’t I automatically be able to do it?
Understanding Changed the Story
Being diagnosed with ADHD later in life didn’t magically organize my life or make every task easy. It gave me something even better—the ability to give myself grace.
Instead of calling myself lazy, I began seeing myself as a woman whose brain works differently.
ADHD can affect far more than attention. It can influence our ability to begin tasks, prioritize, manage time, remember information, regulate emotions, transition between activities, and remain engaged when something isn’t interesting or urgent.
I didn’t lack character. I lacked an understanding of how my brain worked—and the support it needed.
Shame Was Never a Strategy
Calling myself lazy never helped me become more productive.
It made me feel ashamed, and that shame made it even harder to begin.
When we believe we’re the problem, every unfinished task becomes evidence for the prosecution.
The laundry isn’t simply unfinished; it proves we’re failing. The unanswered email isn’t merely late; it means we’re irresponsible. The forgotten appointment isn’t a mistake; it becomes a verdict on who we are.
That kind of self-criticism can feel motivating for a moment.
We tell ourselves that if we’re harsh enough, embarrassed enough, or disappointed enough, perhaps we’ll finally change.
But shame is a terrible project manager, and tough love is a terrible boss. They consume the energy we need to take the next step and leave us feeling defeated.
The day I stopped calling myself lazy wasn’t marked by one dramatic revelation. It began with a gradual decision to become curious instead of cruel.
Rather than asking, “What’s wrong with me?” I began asking, “What’s making this hard?”
That question changed everything.
Working With My Brain
Once I stopped treating every struggle like a personal failure, I could look for practical support.
I began making the starting point smaller. “Clean the kitchen” became “put away five things.” “Write the article” became “open the document and write one sentence.” “Handle the paperwork” became “find the form.”
Sometimes that one step created enough momentum for another. Sometimes it didn’t. But even one completed step moved me farther than an hour spent criticizing myself.
I also started looking at the conditions surrounding a task. Was it unclear? Boring? Overwhelming? Did it contain more decisions than I had realized? Was I exhausted? Did I need a timer, a visible reminder, fewer distractions, or another person nearby?
The goal wasn’t to excuse myself from everything difficult. It was to stop pretending that difficulty could only be overcome through willpower.
I still use lists, routines, alarms, and structure. The difference is that I now try to use them as supports—not punishments for failing to function like someone else.
You Are More Than Your Hardest Days
If you have spent years wondering why you can accomplish extraordinary things in one area but struggle with seemingly simple tasks in another, you’re not alone.
Understanding ADHD doesn’t mean abandoning responsibility. It means approaching responsibility with better information, more effective tools, and far less shame.
I still forget things. I still become overwhelmed. I still occasionally create an extremely detailed plan and then wander away from it as though we have never met.
But I no longer believe those moments make me lazy.
They make me a person with an ADHD brain—one I’m continually learning to understand, support, and appreciate. And that understanding accomplished something shame never could: It gave me permission to offer myself grace—and that grace helped me move forward.
After-school meltdowns, anger or tears that seem to come out of nowhere, irritability, lack of focus, and restless sleep… struggles that are all too real for parents of kids with ADHD.
You feel like you’ve tried all the things, but your child is still struggling.
It feels like there’s a piece of the puzzle missing, and often, there is.
Supportive nutrition through balanced meals is often overlooked when we trying to identify reasons why children with ADHD are struggling.
When a child’s nutrition is suboptimal or they aren’t eating balanced meals, it can set off a cascade of effects in the body. This contributes to nutrient depletion, increased inflammation, gut health challenges, and blood sugar instability, all of which can influence the severity of their ADHD symptoms.
Why Do Nutrition and Balanced Meals Matter for the ADHD Brain?
The brain is the ‘hungriest’ organ in our body. At rest, it uses up to 20% of our body’s energy. Due to this high demand, the brain relies on a steady and reliable supply of nutrients throughout the day to function optimally. For this reason, providing adequate, consistent fuel through balanced meals is helpful in supporting attention, emotional regulation, and more stable energy patterns.
Balanced meals also help with blood sugar regulation. When blood sugar spikes and crashes it can worsen ADHD-related challenges such as difficulty focusing, irritability, sudden fatigue, and emotional outbursts. Steady energy intake through balanced meals can help manage these symptoms.
A child’s gut health is largely influenced by what they eat. A healthy gut contributes to the production of important neurotransmitters like dopamine (focus, mood, and motivation) and serotonin (emotions, sleep, and digestion). When our gut environment is struggling, our brain struggles too. When a child’s gut is nourished through supportive foods, it helps promote stronger brain function as well.
What Is a Balanced Meal?
A balanced meal contains all three macronutrients (protein, fibre, and healthy fats) in appropriate proportions from whole food sources.
The goal is to limit the amount of ultra-processed food, especially refined carbohydrates, that can spike blood sugar, feed the bad bacteria in our gut, and provide minimal nutritional value.
A bowl of sugary cereal for breakfast is sure to lead to an energy crash by 10am often resulting in a mid-morning meltdown. Scrambled eggs with avocado and a slice of whole grain toast will provide your child’s brain with more stable energy to help support smoother mornings.
Protein, Fibre, and Fat: The Balancing Trio
The key to creating balanced meals that support the ADHD brain is to aim to have a source of protein, fat, and fibre at most meals. Each nutrient provides its own unique benefit for ADHD brains.
Protein provides the building blocks for neurotransmitters such as dopamine and serotonin. It supports growth and immune function, aids in blood sugar regulation, and helps children feel full.
Kid-Friendly Protein Options:
Fibre is fermented by bacteria in our guts to produce short-chain fatty acids that support the gut lining and the immune system, reduce inflammation, and play a role in modulating mood and brain function. Many children with ADHD struggle with chronic digestive issues, which in turn (by way of the gut-brain axis) can affect how they feel and behave.
Kid-Friendly Fibre Options:
Fats make up nearly60% of the brain’s dry weight. Essential fatty acids, especially omega-3s like DHA, support cognitive function and neurotransmitter regulation. Fats are also calorie-dense, making them helpful for weight gain in children who are struggling with low appetite.
Kid-Friendly Options:
Putting It All Together
Creating balanced meals that support your child’s ADHD brain can feel overwhelming, especially if you’re dealing with picky eating or poor appetite.
Start by adding a source of protein, fibre, and/or healthy fats to meals your child already eats. Focus on building on one meal at a time.
Add berries and hemp hearts to their cereal.
Add blueberries to their lunch.
Drizzle good quality olive oil over plain pasta.
Dip fish crackers in hummus or almond butter.
When your child is ready, try some of these meal ideas:
Breakfast:
Lunch:
Dinner:
Simple Snacks:
Focus on progress over perfection.
Changing your child’s eating habits takes time and energy. Getting kids to accept new foods can take up to 20 new exposures, so consistency without negativity (no nagging, bribing, or guilting a child into trying new food) is what matters. It can take time to build new habits so be patient with yourself as well.
Remember, small, consistent changes are what lead to lasting results. Every small change you make towards balancing your child’s meals, helps to support their ADHD brain.
When I was diagnosed with ADHD at 48, it didn’t feel like a beginning. It felt like an explanation.
For decades, I had built a life and career in coaching, counseling, and supporting others—yet underneath that competence was a quieter, more complicated reality. I lived with constant mental noise, inconsistent focus, and a persistent sense that I was working harder than others just to stay in step. I had developed systems, habits, and coping strategies that allowed me to function—and often excel—but they came at a cost. The cost was often emotional dysregulation that impacted my personal and professional relationships: one divorce and some work challenges.
The Diagnosis Reframed Everything
Suddenly, the patterns made sense. The bursts of creativity alongside periods of paralysis. The ability to deeply connect with people, paired with difficulty managing administrative tasks. The intensity, the sensitivity, the drive—and the exhaustion. What I had once interpreted as personal shortcomings began to resolve into something far more accurate: a different neurocognitive wiring.
Like many adults diagnosed later in life, I experienced a mix of relief and grief. Relief, because there was a name for what I had been navigating alone. Grief, because I wondered what might have been different if I had understood this earlier. I had long suffered with low level depression that led to worsening symptoms and challenges as I aged. As an example, I often wondered, if I had had the ADHD diagnosis earlier in life, would my depressive symptoms have been less severe? How might I have been supported differently? What would I have told my younger self, who worked so hard to appear “together”?
Menopause Amplified the Struggle
But the story doesn’t end with diagnosis. ADHD is not something that gets “resolved.” It evolves—and at times, it intensifies.
For me, that became especially clear during menopause. The hormonal shifts didn’t just affect mood or energy; they amplified my ADHD symptoms in ways I hadn’t anticipated. Focus became more elusive, memory less reliable, and the systems I had relied on for years no longer worked in the same way. It was disorienting—and, at times, discouraging.
Research shows I’m far from alone. Studies confirm that declining estrogen levels during perimenopause disrupt dopamine and serotonin—the brain chemicals central to ADHD regulation—leading to worse inattention, executive dysfunction, and emotional dysregulation. For many women, symptoms peak between 40-59, often unmasking ADHD for the first time or making medications less effective. Over 60% report this transition as when ADHD most disrupts daily life.
A New Professional Focus
This experience clarified my path forward. I began to see how many women, particularly high-functioning professionals, navigate this intersection of ADHD and midlife transition—often without adequate language, support, or recognition. Women who had spent decades compensating, only to find those strategies breaking down. Women questioning their competence, when in fact their neurobiology was shifting.
My work has increasingly focused on supporting professionals with ADHD and/or high-functioning autism, with a growing emphasis on midlife adults—particularly women—whose challenges are often overlooked or misunderstood. These are individuals who are capable, insightful, and deeply committed, yet operating in environments that don’t always align with how their brains work best.
These talented, dedicated and highly intelligent woman don’t need to be fixed. They need translation, alignment, and strategy. My coaching focuses on how attention, energy, and motivation truly work, not on idealised versions. We build systems that are sustainable, not aspirational. We work with strengths, rather than constantly compensating for perceived deficits. And we address the emotional layers: the years of self-doubt, shame, the internalized narratives, and the quiet erosion of confidence that can come from feeling out of sync. My sessions include cognitive reframing, challenging limiting beliefs and creating an ability to pause before reacting, to name a few tools in my toolbelt. I lean into my doctorate degree in mental health counselling frequently and have grown my understanding of neuroscience and continue to bring my learnings to each session.
Turning Challenge into Contribution
There is something uniquely powerful about being supported by someone who not only understands the theory but has also lived experience—across different life stages.
My ADHD did not derail my career—it shaped it. At 48, I received a diagnosis. In my 60s, I continue to navigate its complexities, especially as life changes like menopause bring new challenges. But I also see, more clearly than ever, how this journey has allowed me to align my work with those I am best equipped to support.
If there is one message I would share, it is this: understanding yourself is not a one-time event. It is an ongoing process—and at any stage of life, it can become a powerful foundation not just for coping, but for contribution.
If you have ADHD, you may care deeply and connect intensely. At the same time, everyday relationship moments can become harder to manage. You may mean to reply, intend to help, or listen better while looking away, yet the other person may receive a different message.
The tips below can help you make intentions clearer, reduce repeated conflict, and repair more easily when things go wrong.
Common ADHD Relationship Patterns
ADHD can create a gap between what you meant and how someone else experienced it.
Intention is what you meant. Impact is how the other person experienced it.
You may recognise some of these patterns, and they can show up differently in different relationships.
💬 Delayed replies
You mean to respond, but the message disappears from your mind. To the other person, the silence may feel like distance or disinterest.
🕒 Time blindness
You underestimate time, arrive late, or struggle to prepare early. To the other person, this may feel like their time was not valued.
👂 Distracted listening
You look away, drift, miss details, or seem less present than you feel. To the other person, this may feel like they are not being heard.
🗣️ Interrupting
You jump in because you are excited, urgent, or afraid of losing the thought. To the other person, this may feel like being talked over.
🌊 Emotional intensity
You react strongly when overwhelmed, hurt, stressed, or overstimulated. To the other person, this may feel sudden, intense, or hard to respond to.
💔Rejection sensitivity
Criticism, delay, distance, or a change in tone may feel especially painful. To the other person, your reaction may seem bigger than the moment itself.
🔁 Inconsistent follow-through
You intend to do something, but struggle to start, remember, or finish. To the other person, this may feel like unreliability.
🏠 Shared task tension
Chores, planning, finances, or invisible labour become repeated conflict points. To the other person, this may feel like they are carrying too much alone.
ADHD Relationship Tips
💬 Make your intentions visible
People cannot always see what you meant internally. If your behaviour looked distant, distracted, late, or unreliable, it can help to say the missing piece clearly.
Helpful phrases may include:
💬 “I forgot to reply, but I do want to stay connected.”
💬 “I went quiet because I was overwhelmed, and I want to come back to this.”
💬 “I may look away while you talk, but I am listening.”
This reduces guesswork. Clear words help the other person understand what silence, delay, or distraction means.
🧠 Name the pattern without attacking yourself
When a pattern keeps going wrong, it can help to name it more clearly. A pattern name gives you somewhere to start.
🧠 “This is a working memory issue.”
🕒 “This is a time blindness issue.”
🌊 “This is emotional intensity showing up.”
🔁 “This is a follow-through pattern we need a system for.”
Naming the pattern helps you move from shame into problem-solving.
📌 Make expectations specific
Vague expectations are hard to follow through on. Phrases like “help more,” “be more reliable,” or “communicate better” may sound clear, but they leave too much room for interpretation. A clearer agreement is easier to act on.
📌 “Help more” can become “own dinner cleanup on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.”
📌 “Be on time” can become “start getting ready at 18:30 and leave at 19:00.”
📌 “Communicate better” can become “send a short message if you cannot reply properly yet.”
Specific agreements reduce shame, guessing, and repeated conflict.
🧰 Use visible systems for responsibilities
ADHD can make it harder to rely on memory, motivation, and a natural sense of time. Visible systems make important things easier to remember before they become urgent.
Helpful systems may include:
📅 a shared calendar for plans, appointments, birthdays, and important dates
🏠 a household task board showing who owns what, and when it happens
💬 a communication fallback, such as “I’m overwhelmed, but I’ll reply tonight”
This works best when the task is visible before anyone has to remind you. A system can protect your intentions from getting lost in daily demands.
🌊 Plan for emotional intensity and rejection sensitivity
If you experience rejection sensitivity, a delayed reply, a tired tone, a short comment, or a changed facial expression may feel like rejection before you can check what was meant.
It can help to create a pause and return plan before conflict escalates.
🌊 “I noticed I felt rejected very quickly, and I want to check what you meant.”
🌊 “I’m having a strong reaction. I need a few minutes before I respond.”
🌊 “I want to keep talking, but I need 20 minutes to regulate. I will come back.”
The return matters because it helps the pause feel safe instead of unfinished.
🔁 Repair with one concrete next step
“I’m sorry” may be honest, while repeated patterns often need more than reassurance.
For example: “I forgot, and I understand why that was frustrating. I’m putting a reminder in my phone now so this is less likely next time.”
Other repair sentences include:
🔁 “I interrupted you. I’m going to pause and let you finish.”
🔁 “I reacted strongly. I need a few minutes, but I will come back.”
Repair shows that the pattern matters and gives both people something clearer to work with.
Conclusion
ADHD can affect how intentions are expressed and how actions are received. One moment may have one meaning for you and a different impact on the other person.
That gap becomes easier to work with when you can step back and ask: what pattern is showing up, what impact did it have, and what support would make this easier next time?
🧠 name the pattern
💬 notice the impact
📌 choose one practical support
🔁 repair when needed
With clearer communication, visible systems, and specific repair, ADHD relationship patterns can become easier to understand and navigate, creating more room for trust, connection, and everyday care.
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About the author Johan Lammers is the founder of sensoryoverload.info, a learning platform for neurodivergent adults.
ADHD was never something I had considered in my own life. Despite being an experienced mental health professional, like others, I held outdated, stereotypical ideas about what ADHD was. It wasn’t until I began working with women who were being diagnosed later in life that something shifted. I started to understand ADHD differently.
Over time, parts of these women’s stories began to feel unexpectedly familiar. I remember the exact moment it clicked. I was mid-session, helping a client navigate the very real challenge of actually finishing laundry. I was sharing strategies, my strategies, when something stopped me. Why did I have so many personal workarounds for this and the other struggles that these women were coming to me with?
Even then, I doubted myself. I did well in school. I got good grades. Never caused trouble; a classic overachiever by every outward measure. Sure, I was regularly told to stop talking in class, slow down speaking, stop distracting my friends while they were trying to work… but that was just my personality. Right?
Getting an ADHD diagnosis changed that story entirely. It didn’t break anything. It explained everything.
An Incomplete Picture
For a long time, ADHD was understood through one narrow lens, which left a lot of people out.
Research now shows that ADHD presents very differently across genders, and the common presentation in girls and women has historically been missed. Rather than overt hyperactivity, it often looks like inattentiveness mistaken for daydreaming, or a mind that never settles even when the body is still.
Hyperactivity exists, but it’s turned inward. It’s an emotional intensity and a sensitivity to rejection that leaves women being told, and feeling, they’re “too much” or “too sensitive.” Difficulties with time management, follow-through, or organization are often misinterpreted as laziness or a lack of effort. Over time, this can lead to anxiety, self-doubt, and a sense of falling short, despite a great deal of effort being invested.
These symptoms are no less disruptive but they are quieter. Quiet struggles are easy to miss.
The Exhaustion of Masking
One reason women with ADHD fly under the radar for so long is that many become extraordinarily skilled at masking; adapting, compensating, and hiding their difficulties, often even from themselves.
Masking does not always look like disorganization. It can often look like being highly organized, or dependable because you arrive early and complete tasks immediately.
However, this is done out of a concern that things will otherwise be forgotten. It’s over preparing or stopping your day to make that one appointment.
This was me. I was super organized, everything was done immediately. I was always on time, usually early. From the outside, I looked completely capable and put together.
What no one could see was what it cost. I was hypervigilant about tasks and time in a way that consumed me, leaving little room for anything else. What people saw as capability was often survival, masking, and compensation running at full speed, all the time.
I had no idea how much I had been masking. The overachieving, the strategies, the systems quietly built around difficulties I never thought to question. It had all felt so normal, I didn’t know if could be anything different.
When masking works well enough, ADHD can remain undetected for decades. A new job, a baby, perimenopause; any major transition can finally overload the coping strategies holding everything together. Suddenly the system breaks down, and many women are left wondering: what happened? What’s wrong with me?
Why Transitions Like the Postpartum Period and Midlife Matter
Many women begin to question ADHD during periods of significant change, such as becoming a parent or entering perimenopause.
These transitions often involve shifts in roles, responsibilities, and routines, as well as biological changes. Estrogen plays an important role in dopamine regulation; a system closely tied to attention, motivation, and emotional regulation. When estrogen levels fluctuate or decline, these processes can become more difficult to manage.
As a result, focus may feel harder to sustain, memory less reliable, and emotional responses more intense.
For women who have spent years unknowingly relying on coping strategies they didn't even know they had, these transitions can be the moment those strategies simply stop working and the woman who always managed, suddenly can't.
What Diagnosis Offers
For many women, receiving an ADHD diagnosis is not about adding a label, it is about gaining understanding. For me, it didn’t change who I was. It changed how I understood myself.
Experiences that had once been interpreted as personal shortcomings began to make more sense in a different context. The constant effort, the systems, the workarounds, none of it had been random.
This shift in understanding often brings a sense of relief. It allows for greater self-compassion and opens the door to strategies that are better aligned with how the brain actually works.
Alongside the challenges, ADHD also brings strengths, such as creativity, curiosity, the ability to solve problems quickly, or to make connections others might not immediately see. Many of us are natural outside-the-box thinkers, with an ability to approach problems in creative and unconventional ways. I honestly believe ADHD strengths enable me to be a better therapist. I can often see the connections others miss.
Awareness of how ADHD presents in women is helping more people find clarity later in life, make sense of their experiences, and most importantly, find ways of working with their brain, rather than against it.
Bio
Melinda Aspell is a Registered Social Worker and the founder of Selene Therapy & Wellness, a virtual practice specializing in ADHD in adults, perimenopause, and women's mental health. With over 20 years of experience and advanced certifications in both ADHD (ADHD-CCSP) and menopause mental health (MMHCP), she brings both clinical depth and lived experience to her work, including her own late ADHD diagnosis.
I grew up knowing I was a little different.
I was the kid who hyper-fixated on animals, who felt everything deeply, sometimes to a fault. I was endlessly creative, always finding new ways to express myself. And I talked—a lot. Fast, excited, constant. At three years old, it was seen as cute and endearing. Adults laughed, calling me bright and expressive.
But as I got older, those same traits became a problem.
What was once “cute” turned into “disruptive.” My energy, my voice, my constant need to engage with the world around me started to be seen as distracting. I was often sent out of the classroom for walks—not as support, but as a way to give the teacher a break from the talkative kid. At first, it felt like a small thing. But over time, it added up. I was missing more and more class, falling further behind without even realizing why.
Being a girl with ADHD made it even easier to overlook. My behaviours were brushed off as quirks, personality traits, or things I just needed to “try harder” to fix. Instead of support, I got comments: lazy, distracted, not applying herself.
Eventually, I started to believe them.
I remember sitting in Grade 1 and thinking I wasn’t going to amount to anything—that I just wasn’t as capable as the other kids in my class. Grade 1. When I think about that now, it breaks my heart. No child should carry that kind of belief so early in life.
I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until I was 14, after a few visits to the guidance counsellor’s office, my counsellor noticed a pattern with my transcript comments from past teachers and I was referred to doctors for testing. I can’t fully put into words what that moment felt like. For the first time, I felt seen, not as the “problem,” not as the narrative others had created, but as myself. A compassionate, creative girl who was struggling in a world that wasn’t built for the way her brain worked.
That diagnosis changed everything.
Over the next few years, I began to learn coping strategies. With support, structure, and an Individual Education Plan (IEP), my grades improved dramatically—from a 65 average to a 92. But more importantly, my self-worth began to heal. I started to understand that I wasn’t incapable—I just needed different tools.
As I got older, though, my ADHD didn’t disappear. It evolved.
What once looked like fidgeting, talking, and classroom disruptions started to show up in new ways: job hopping, feeling constantly unsatisfied, struggling with consistency, and being outspoken- Again, sometimes to a fault. I still had that same energy, that same fire, but without the right outlet, it often worked against me.
And once again, I found myself doubting who I was and what I was capable of.
Eventually, I made the decision to explore medication. It wasn’t an easy choice, but it was the right one for me. Combined with the coping strategies I had developed over the years, it changed so much. For the first time, I felt like I could channel my energy instead of being controlled by it.
I learned how to adapt—not by changing who I was, but by understanding myself better.
And somewhere along the way, something shifted.
I stopped seeing my ADHD as something that made me “less than,” and started recognizing the beauty in it. My passion, my empathy, my energy—those things didn’t hold me back. They pushed me forward. They became my strength.
Today, I’ve found my career path and passion in not for profit and education, and I’m a mother to two beautiful daughters, both of whom also have ADHD. And that has given my journey an even deeper purpose.
I’m determined not just to succeed for myself, but to show them what’s possible for people like us.
I want them to grow up knowing that just in because things might be harder, just because they may struggle in ways others don’t, it does not mean they are any less capable. It does not mean they won’t succeed!
